How many people with children did you know (well) before having children?

[Suddenfeelingofsadness]

Recent conversation with my (female, mid twenties) lodger about children. When we first met she said that she 'couldn't' wait to have kids. She said last night that she wasn't sure she ever wanted kids now (after three months with me and my two children). She said she didn't know before now how mums (single mums in particular) just have no time off, no rest whatsoever. Obviously she didn't really think about having no days off, no days to watch TV or mooch around town or be hungover.
I hadn't really thought about it before but I had no friends with children before I had them. I thought of my aunties etc as 'old' and so I just imagined that they liked having two small children stuck to them at all times. I have just cracked on with it and I don't feel I have been misold the experience, because I guess no one ever told me the reality.
Perhaps this is circumstantial but I guess if someone had shown me the school run, the long hours, the sleepless nights, the fact that I wouldn't ever have an evening to watch a series, the impact on how long I have to get ready, the toll on my looks, diet, ability to exercise, social life, finances. Not told me but showed me, as I have accidentally done with my lodger; I would have thought long and hard about it.
Unless I am at work, commuting, asleep or on a lunch break, I think I have around 45 minutes a week without my children.

Interesting thought - I've never wanted children, for a whole host of reasons, but among them being the eldest of a horde of cousins and helping with the older ones while smaller ones were babies through my school holidays, including being woken up by the babies although I didn't have to go to them in the night obviously. It really brought home to me very early on just how much work they were in a way that maybe lots of people don't get to see up close before having their own?

I knew a lot of people with kids before I had mine, I was a good five years or so behind all my friends. It's my experience though that people don't share their struggles with parenthood, it's only when you join the club yourself that you find out what it's like and that everyone struggles with it!

@hilariousnamehere I think that's right. I didn't have any siblings or close relatives. My cousins were also the most well behaved children and not neurodivergent like mine!

When DH and I had DC1, I had one close friend who had a baby, although she lived a distance away and due to covid, I had never met the baby. My SIL (who also lives far away) had a then 2 and 5 year old. DH’s best friend from Uni had a 1 year old, who we had met a handful of times. Most of our local friends were younger than me and didn’t have DC. Most of our friends near or far were child free, and, 4.5 years on, the majority remain child free.

Needless to say, having a baby hit me like a train, as I had absolutely no idea.

@Welshfiver I suppose it depends on the context in which you see the child too. Cute child in a country pub, in a little shirt, is very different to seeing the mum shattered after trying to potty train for six months only to find a poo behind the armchair.

I first wanted to have a baby when I was about 24. Then my sister had my niece – which put me off for 8yrs from the very minute I started watching someone's life with a child. I was exceptionally glad I did not have a child in my 20s.

Loads of people. Was almost 40 when I had DS, and had planned for most of that time to stay childfree. It’s not the job of parents to make parenthood look appealing to people considering it.

And obviously, there’s no ‘standard’ experience of parenthood. A single parent with two young children and a lodger and no non-working day childcare will be having a very different experience to a married SAHM/ carer of one with profound additional needs, or someone with abundant family support.

@KindOf I don't think parents should make it look appealing but I'm curious if those who knew lots of parents beforehand take to motherhood more easily. Or whether if you know lots of SAHP's you find it harder to adapt to being a working parent etc.

I knew lots of parents and worked in the US as a live in au pair for a couple of years when I was 20. I remember taking a photo of the baby crying yet again to remind myself what motherhood was really like. This felt important to me.

I had my first twenty years later age 40, having forgotten the insight I had when younger.

And yes, it was like in the photo I took, but worse really as I had no au pair and was a single mother. It felt like a human rights violation, being so trapped and harassed.

I didn’t have close friends with kids, nor any kids in my family, so it was all quite a surprise. Since I had a child I have friends who have said they no longer want children after seeing me with one and friends who had kids at the same time. I see what they mean - one of my friends went on to have two children and watching her deal with that completely put me off having more.

I had twins when I was 22 so I reckon I was the friend with children that people knew. I'm still friends with quite a lot of people from my early 20s and a few of them do have children of their own but a lot of them have actually remained child-free. I really, really struggled having twins at a pretty young age and ended up getting therapy to help me cope but after the first 6 months, it was an absolute blessing despite the struggles.

None really. But that's just because we were the first in our friendship group to have children. Our friends who now have children would be able to say they knew us well before having their children. I was the first of my siblings to have a child, but now my sister has a baby.

So we've obviously not put people off it. But I suppose even a close friend having a child doesn't give you the same insight that being a lodger and seeing it every day would.

A close friend had twins a few years before we had our first. I was very involved with them so knew somewhat of the reality and it made me want children more.

None. I was a teenage parent, none of my peers had children at that age.

Nobody we saw regularly enough to understand the reality (our friends are scattered). The community midwife at the NHS antenatal morning was baffled that neither of us had ever changed a nappy (both early 30s and eldest children).

I didnt know many.

Had one older friend with kids. She was quite open about how hard it was but she was always a drama queen so I thought she was exaggerating and just laughed.

Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think if I had seen the relentless of it at closer range I wouldn't have done it.

I didn't see my friend with kids that often, and it was for short periods, so I couldn't / didn't quite grasp that it was pretty much 24/7.