For respecting DD’s wishes not to see DH’s family when we return home for the first time in years?

[TheDancingHorses]

DH and I have been together for 14 years. I had 2 DC when we met and we have since had DD together.
To begin with, DH’s mum, dad and sister were friendly and I made a big effort get on well with them. After a year, his sister turned against me and spread crap about me and my DS to her parents and mutual friends. As a result, my relationship with DHs parents was difficult. His mum and I talked things through and were (I thought) on good terms until she sadly passed away a couple of years ago.
DH and I emigrated with my 3 DC around 8 years ago- for many reasons but largely triggered by his sister’s ongoing nastiness to me and DH’s inability to stick up for me, and the fact that he continually put his sister’s feelings before mine.
We are due to have our first visit back to our home country. The main reason for this is to take my DM’s ashes home up he interred with my DF so it’s not the easiest circumstances. Our DD is 11 and is aware of friction between me and DHs sister. When we started planning our trip, DH talked about seeing/staying with his dad and/or sister and DD said she didn’t want to see his sister as she hadn’t been nice to me but she’d happily go and see his dad with him.
But, a month or so ago I discovered that me and my older daughter had been removed as friends from DH’s late mum’s fb account. It may sound petty but I was hurt and angry about this, particularly as it had been done to DD(21) and not just me. Turns out it was his dad - apparently he’d had a few beers and done it by accident which I don’t believe as unfriending someone isn’t something that you can do ‘accidentally’. DD11 heard us talking about this and now doesn’t want to see DHs dad. She’s also realised that DH’s dad shows no interest in her - never asks to talk to her when him and DH speak, didn’t bother to wish her happy birthday etc.
I don’t feel inclined to try and persuade her to see her grandad but I know DH is upset that she doesn’t want to.
Aibu in respecting DD’s wishes or is my judgement clouded by my feelings about DHs family? I’ve started doubting myself so any thoughts would be appreciated!

What does your DH think about the poor treatment of you and your older daughter by his family?

If he spoke to your younger daughter and managed to persuade her to visit her grandad, would you be OK with that?

I don't think that you are unreasonable, but it depends on how upset your DH is and how supportive he is normally in relation to his family's treatment of you and your older children.

Don't stay with them, but would a few hours visiting DH's dad really be that awful? You can always leave if it turns out to be. I think this is a good opportunity to teach DD that sometimes it's best to do difficult and potentially unpleasant things to be the bigger person. You're not asking her to be close to him, but I don't think a polite visit is asking much.

This is all on your DH for being weak and not sorting this out earlier. It’s all come home to roost. I wouldn’t do anything. It’s up to him to sort it out. Just get on with your own stuff. Stop interfering and let DH take the lead. Surely it’s up to him to facilitate your daughters relationship with her grandfather.

Why does your 11 year old know about any friction between you and SIL? 11 year old being party to the Adults fall outs seems a bit off.

11 year olds, are 11 year olds, and will (of course) be loyal to you, but she should not have been put in that position in the first place.

As for FB.. I find it very hard to use these days, I rarely see updates that have want to see, and never go in other peoples profiles … I’m not sure of the benefit of staying “friends” with a dead person, surely when someone dies you close the account down.

Thanks for the responses, it’s really helpful to get other people’s thoughts.

@ExtraOnions DD doesn’t know much about the background, just that DH’s sister wasn’t very nice to me or my DS. I agree that DD shouldn’t be brought into my issues but I’m not keen on her seeing DH’s sister as she is nasty person and I wouldn’t have any trust in her not saying unpleasant things to DD.

@thepariscrimefiles DH is very passive about everything and has never really said anything to his family about the way they’ve treated us. It has affected our relationship a lot and I hold a lot of resentment towards him over it. That’s probably a whole seperate post!

I won’t go and see his dad - his dad didn’t speak to me or my older DC for about 5 years, to the extent that he would walk past us in the street and barely acknowledged us. That said, I wouldn’t have a problem with DD going with DH and spending time with her grandad.

For now, I’m not going to do anything and leave it for DH to deal with. We’re only in our home country for a couple of weeks and I don’t want any added stresses or dramas when we’re there - taking my mum’s ashes home is hard enough as she only passed away earlier this year.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond.