Another DH and division of chores one

[Farmwifefarmlife]

I’ll try to keep it short!
We have a large house & land and some livestock it’s only a part time farm not enough to support us fully so me and DH both work self employed I run a dog daycare business from home it’s full on and intense 20 dogs per day a large number are our own we also have puppies from time to time so it’s full on and there is never a day off but I’m around for the children. DH flicks between various things he wants to do but is always busy currently he’s away Sunday evening till Wednesday evening with the promise of being around Thursday/ Friday to help me more this hasn’t happened.

housework and childcare are not his thing at all he will happily be outside fixing engines and he does help with my dog business by building / fixing things but he won’t help with the actual dogs as they are not his thing. He has three Kennelled dogs outside that i also have to do while he’s away.

we have two young DC and I’m 36 weeks pregnant, am I unreasonable to expect some help with the children & house? he seems to have it in his head I’m some sort of kept woman but my business makes equal to his. The new away job is enough to support his half of the rent & bills and I was hoping to have some help for a couple of months on the other days, he’s also frequently busy on the weekends.

we don’t keep tabs on money, sometimes he’s helped me out of I’ve had a bad month and vice versa. I’m just really struggling and feeling down and worried how I’m going to cope with a baby on top of everything else.

He sounds entirely useless. People don't do childcare and housework because it's their "thing" they do it because it needs doing.

Well quite frankly cooking & cleaning & housework isn't my "thing" either but I do my share because it needs to be done & I live in the house.

My partner also does his share for the same reason.

Sit him down for a serious chat - he's not around for family life 5/7 and does F all on the other 2 days ! That's not on, you deserve some down time & he needs to recognise that life requires some work.

not his thing to do house chores but also not his thing to look after his 3 dogs and leave them to you when you are just about to give birth. I see no redeeming features of this man from what you wrote.

Look at the language you're using. Help. It is categorically not help! This frames the children and housework as your job and this allows him to opt in and out (or mostly, it seems out) as he sees fit. You must also seem very capable, so he doesn't need to 'help' you, because you've got it covered.

You need to discuss this with him. He is only putting half of the monthly money in you all need to survive and is putting zero of the effort in needed for you all to thrive.

What a deal, he's got it made, hasn't he? He gets to work part time and tinker with his engines for the rest of the time, while you're indoors spinning all of the plates. How do you find that attractive? Why does he care so little for your wellbeing and the kids wellbeing?

What changes would you like to see? I get that dividing labour isn't always as straightforward as splitting everything 50/50, but how come the money can be split like that, but the grunt work can't? What's the barrier?

Sounds miserable op.

He sounds completely useless.

Housework and household jobs aren’t my “thing” either and I bet 99% of the adult population would agree with me but you don’t get to opt out cos you don’t like doing it!

I definitely agree I can think of better things to do than endless Landry and cleaning the bathroom! They are not my thing either but that’s family life it needs to be done and that’s my point he only seems to see it as my job. I work really hard and have no time off the paperwork for my business is endless.

i think he looks at the jobs and just thinks it’s not his job, emptying the nappy bin he just won’t do it and will leave nappies on the side instead or if I’ve emptied it at night and forgot to put a bag in he will just put the nappy in the bin without a bin bag. He says he just doesn’t notice these things need doing but I feel he does it on purpose to avoid me asking. He says if I ask he will do whatever I need to him to do but I might as well just do it myself.

I just want him to do the jobs that need doing, wiping the sides, doing the washing up ( I need a dishwasher!) things like that, everything falls to me.

Just ask. He is not a mind reader.
Say - Please put tjhe nappies in the bin for collection.
Remind him that you are too tired, too pregnant, too breastfeeding tired etc.
It is not easier to just do it yourself.
Keep telling him until he starts to think differently.
Thank each other for relentless things you both do.

I think this is the problem he always says well
you manage. I think because I do it all he thinks he doesn't need to “help” when they are his children and his house! It’s a big old farmhouse too and takes a lot of keeping on top off.

he does do stuff outside but he will openly admit he would rather fix a fence than do housework. He’s not sat down watching tv so I then feel bad for nagging as he is doing something it’s just not the something I need.

I do, and I understand he’s not a mind reader and he does say this frequently but after two years of reminding him about the nappies I’m starting to feel like he’s another child to keep having to tell to do something. Maybe I’m asking too much for him to be able to think for himself.

Ime having 3 dc with a useless fuck doesn't end well...

I’d ask him if he’s willing to pay form daily housekeeper to come in for a few hours each morning or is he going to step up to the plate and fully participate in family life.

If not, then you need to downsize your business and house to a more manageable scale and think about leaving your husband.

Ah. So he just doesn't care enough. He sees that you manage and that's that. Even if managing means you're on your knees, drowning in this shit.

So, you could stop managing. What would happen if he needed clean pants and there were none? And you said, oh I didn't see that your laundry needed doing? I don't advocate this approach (which is his childish approach) I'm more in favour of the grown up approach, where you sit together and discuss what has to be done and how.

I am not a fan of you having to write a list for him to work through either. Proper, actual grown ups know that the sides need wiping and bathrooms need cleaning and laundry needs doing. So, I'd be asking him when he's going to grow the fuck up? You could also implement a new rule, that he's not allowed out to play until the house is in a certain state. Like you would a child.

The other option is that you leave. Get a more manageable place and he continues to only contribute money. Although you'd be 100% responsible for the house and kids, you wouldn't be constantly let down, either.

I don't know why you're putting up with this. In a way, you're enabling it, why? Is it a self esteem thing? Are you scared of him? Do you think you're trapped because of money? What's going on with you here?

Yet another thread where someone is carrying on having children with someone who has already proved themselves to be totally useless - why?! 🙈

If he hasn't changed before now, what incentive does he have to do so now you're having a third child?

I'm also interested in how you can safely run a daycare with 20 dogs as well as two (soon to be three) small children - it all sounds very chaotic.

There are rules and restrictions for running a dog day care. Each member of staff should have 10 dogs or fewer to care for at any one time. So you need to cut your 20 dogs right back for starters.

Your husband is useless. No one does housework and childcare because it's their thing, they do it because it needs doing. He's given you three children plus three extra kennelled dogs then what, goes off for a few days, hangs around fixing occasional things in his garage. You'd be better off as a single parent.