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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always falling asleep if the TV is on

27 replies

Thecatsmothersaunt · 06/10/2024 01:23

Have been seeing this really lovely guys for a couple of months, he has an early start for work Monday to Friday, so when we don't see each other I encourage him to go to bed earlier to catch up on sleep, sometimes he does but mostly he doesn't, which means when we do see each other he will often fall asleep if we sit on the sofa and watch tv.
Tonight we were originally going out to see a band but he suggested a film instead, as normal he began to doze off and I could feel myself getting really pissed off with him, we don't get a lot of time together but if I wanted to watch TV on my own I wouldn't have invited him for the weekend.
It doesn't help that my self preservation response kicks in and I mentally back off and go quiet, he eventually asked me when we got into bed, why I was being cold and had he done something wrong, I told him I wasn't happy about his never being able to stay awake long enough to watch programmes together, he didn't respond and just went to sleep. I'm currently wide awake and feeling a little lost.
AIBU to be mad about this or should I just stick it up if it's the only red flag?

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 06/10/2024 01:24

I think to feel like this after only a couple months isn't necessarily a red flag but you aren't well matched. He's clearly shattered which is fine but you just aren't right together.

sarahzbaker · 06/10/2024 01:25

Leave the TV off?

AllTipAndNoIceberg · 06/10/2024 01:33

my self preservation response kicks in and I mentally back off and go quiet, he eventually asked me when we got into bed, why I was being cold

How is this ‘self-preservation’ as opposed to just you getting in a mood?

YANBU to find it disappointing that he keeps dropping off, but it sounds like your way of responding to that is unreasonable. Withdrawing and going cold on someone, making it so they have to ask what they’ve done, is not a healthy dynamic.

Also, if he’s tired he is tired — it’s not deliberate. Catching up on missed sleep isn’t really effective for a lot of people and over time he may be in a real sleep deficit that he’s finding it hard to set right.

I agree with the pp who said you’re probably just not well matched.

JC03745 · 06/10/2024 01:34

Does he snore? Is he overweight or have any anatomical nasal problems? Previous broken nose etc? He might have sleep apnoea and isn't sleeping well at night- even when he is 'sleeping'. It sounds like he is knackered, or has a medical issue. Has he had his thyroid checked or for deficiencies like anaemia?

Is he out late other nights partying? If not, I'd be concerned about a serious health issue, so have no idea what red flag this signals to you OP???

Nothanks17 · 06/10/2024 06:02

He is just shattered

I fall asleep a lot watching the tv even if its something both me and my OH really want to watch I desperately try to stay awake but I just can't help it. Its not a red flag...

amothersinstinct · 06/10/2024 06:19

I think you are being a bit of a cow sorry

He's tired from work

You going cold and giving him the silent treatment is the sort of thing that would be labelled emotionally abusive on MN if the tables were turned

GreyCarpet · 06/10/2024 06:19

Have been seeing this really lovely guys for a couple of months, he has an early start for work Monday to Friday, so when we don't see each other I encourage him to go to bed earlier to catch up on sleep, sometimes he does but mostly he doesn't

So you've been seeing him for a couple of months? Literally, a matter of a few weeks? He's been him his whole life. What makes you think you have any say at all in what time he goes to bed?

If you don't like that he falls asleep in front of the TV on Saturday night, you are free to stop dating him and find someone you are better suited to.

You shouldn't be trying to dictate his sleeping when he's not with you and it's not fair to go cold on him. That's manipulative.

If you're not happy and finding yourself getting pissed off with him then end it.

Mercedes45 · 06/10/2024 06:22

Someone being tired is not a red flag

leafybrew · 06/10/2024 06:29

Poor bloke - having you boss him about to go to bed. And then sulking as he's had the audacity to fall asleep in front of the telly.

Maybe you're the red flag for him and he'll ditch you.

GreyCarpet · 06/10/2024 06:41

To be fair to the OP, him falling asleep in front of the TV every Saturday night is a relationship red flag to her if that's not what she wants her relationship to look like. We all have our own red flags.

Only she can decide if it's a deal breaker but I'd suggest that if she's already getting pissed off with and giving him the cold shoulder, it probably is.

It's not something that is going to change.

rwalker · 06/10/2024 06:44

If I were him I’d be running for the hills

waitingforthebus · 06/10/2024 06:46

My DH falls asleep infrint if the TV quite a bit. I flip the channel to what I want to watch and then give him a nudge when it's time for us to go to bed. Stop being dramatic

frozenkimchi · 06/10/2024 06:52

I fall asleep every single night in front of the TV - I hate it and can't help it. I have severe sleep apnoea which I'm trying to resolve with CPAP therapy but it's incredibly hard. I've been with my DP for 12 years and I'm so grateful he didn't ditch me when this started happening 18 months ago. It's a horrible feeling not being able to stay awake and not having that evening time with your other half.

Before you jump the gun maybe talk about it first (and maybe suggest sleep apnea). It could just be that he's just very very tired from work. Yes I can completely see how it would be frustrating from your end, but speaking from the other side it genuinely can't be helped and can be really hard to live with. Plus the guilt is awful. How is he at weekends?

doodleschnoodle · 06/10/2024 06:57

I'd find this annoying too. I'm not someone who ever falls asleep watching TV or while doing something with someone else and I would find it irritating if DH just fell asleep every time we sat down to watch something together. Probably not fair, but I can't help what I find annoying sometimes! Luckily he doesn't fall asleep in front of the TV etc either but obviously now we've been together a long time so if he did start doing it, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

If it's the only time you get to spend together and he's asleep for most of it, it's not ideal, is it? Especially if he's choosing to stay up late in week so he then can't stay awake at weekend when he sees you. So I'd be irritated too. Not sure what I'd do about it, mind you.

Inspireme2 · 06/10/2024 07:56

GreyCarpet · 06/10/2024 06:19

Have been seeing this really lovely guys for a couple of months, he has an early start for work Monday to Friday, so when we don't see each other I encourage him to go to bed earlier to catch up on sleep, sometimes he does but mostly he doesn't

So you've been seeing him for a couple of months? Literally, a matter of a few weeks? He's been him his whole life. What makes you think you have any say at all in what time he goes to bed?

If you don't like that he falls asleep in front of the TV on Saturday night, you are free to stop dating him and find someone you are better suited to.

You shouldn't be trying to dictate his sleeping when he's not with you and it's not fair to go cold on him. That's manipulative.

If you're not happy and finding yourself getting pissed off with him then end it.

Yes.
End it and get to bed early!

Catza · 06/10/2024 08:01

My partner does that and did pretty much since day one. It's never been an issue, I let him sleep while we cuddle. He usually needs about an hour to recharge.
When we watch F1 on Sunday afternoons it is pretty much guaranteed that one of us will have an unexpected "10 lap nap". The loving thing to do is to put a blanket over the person who fell asleep and watch/read in peace.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2024 08:05

I would feel annoyed because you were planning to go out and see a band, and if I’d been wanting to do that and had to stay in to just watch telly that’s a bit of a shame.

The falling asleep does seem a bit rubbish at such a very early stage of a relationship.

MabelMoo23 · 06/10/2024 08:05

Sorry I also think you are a bit of a cow.

if he’s falling asleep in front of the telly then he’s probably absolutely shattered and if you start kicking off then he’s going to feel like he has to force himself to stay awake when exhausted just to make you happy

I’d personally say you are the red flag.

Royalshyness · 06/10/2024 08:17

I don’t think you are a cow but you probably need a man with a bit more life in him
myself and dh are not fully suited but I accept the way he is. I wouldn’t have if we are only a month or two in.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/10/2024 08:41

After just a couple of months of dating I would have no interest in sitting in watching TV on a Saturday night. Has he no interest in going out for fun - the cinema, theatre, restaurants? Do you have days out - walks, drives, coffee shops?

MyBigFatGreekSalad · 06/10/2024 18:46

Honestly op, I think you're more of a red flag than him 😂

TheGoldenGate · 07/10/2024 10:29

Thecatsmothersaunt · 06/10/2024 01:23

Have been seeing this really lovely guys for a couple of months, he has an early start for work Monday to Friday, so when we don't see each other I encourage him to go to bed earlier to catch up on sleep, sometimes he does but mostly he doesn't, which means when we do see each other he will often fall asleep if we sit on the sofa and watch tv.
Tonight we were originally going out to see a band but he suggested a film instead, as normal he began to doze off and I could feel myself getting really pissed off with him, we don't get a lot of time together but if I wanted to watch TV on my own I wouldn't have invited him for the weekend.
It doesn't help that my self preservation response kicks in and I mentally back off and go quiet, he eventually asked me when we got into bed, why I was being cold and had he done something wrong, I told him I wasn't happy about his never being able to stay awake long enough to watch programmes together, he didn't respond and just went to sleep. I'm currently wide awake and feeling a little lost.
AIBU to be mad about this or should I just stick it up if it's the only red flag?

Yes, the TV is awfully boring these days and can cause sleepiness. You are not the only one 😃

Original poster
Thecatsmothersaunt · 07/10/2024 13:24

Thank you all for your replies, I realised after the first 4 replies on Saturday night that I was being a miserable cow and completely unreasonable and went and climbed into bed with him, gave him a cuddle and apologised for being a bitch
I didn't actually mean that him falling asleep is a red flag just a con in our relationship, but he's so lovely that I'll let it go and do what a previous poster suggested and turn the TV over.
I think that having survived some previous bad relationships I automatically try to find fault as it's not going to last, this inner monologue needs to change!
Thank you for all of the wake up calls, good and bad and for the reality check x

OP posts:
Dotto · 07/10/2024 14:05

No I don't think that you were being a cow. I personally would be put off that he can't seem to take care of himself properly to get enough sleep.

A few weeks in, he should not be falling asleep when he said he wanted to spend time with you, nor (more importantly) rolling over and ignoring you when you tried to communicate that with him. Now you have apologised he knows that you will put him first and yourself last, be wary.

HeliotropePJs · 07/10/2024 15:21

If it's happening frequently on the rare occasions you're able to see one another, it's not unreasonable to be annoyed at the situation, even if it's not intentional on his part or a symptom of a lack of interest in the relationship. The thing to do is to talk about it and find a solution. Be prepared to explain why it makes you feel neglected, annoyed, etc, and have some suggestions for ways to improve the situation.

Is he willing to follow a healthier sleep schedule so he can be better rested when you're together? If it's just TV that's triggering his early nights, he should accept that you want to avoid sitting in front of the TV until later at night. If he's unwilling to budge and spends more time drowsing on the sofa than interacting with you, it's okay to decide that you're not a good match.

This kind of thing is a fairly normal part of being in a relationship and living with someone, but in the earlier days of a relationship, it's not unreasonable to expect a little extra attentiveness.