Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should pay petrol money?

60 replies

ellideb · 22/04/2008 18:09

I'd aranged for me, my friend and her child out for the day to a funhouse along with one of my mindees. I'd texted her about 4 days before the outing to tell her how much the admission fees would be and also if she could contribute £3 towards petrol. She didn't reply to that txt but I'd asked her if she'd received it a few days later hoping she would mention something about the petrol money. she had got it but never said anything about it. We've just come back from the funhouse and she hasn't given me anything towards the petrol. Now AIBU to be annoyed? Should I have asked at all? How can I ask for the money off her without seeming mean? Should I just let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 18:46

Yes you are all right, it is insignificant really but I would offer to pay petrol, always, but that's just me. I suppose there are other issues I am a little annoyed about with her and that is just one thing that was on top of other things IYSWIM. It was out of character for me to ask and looking back and seeing your responses makes me see that I was being unreasonable. Like you say, put it down to experience. You can always rely on MNers to clarify things for you!

OP posts:
maidamess · 22/04/2008 18:47

Oooh yes, we willl always put you on the straight and narrow!

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 18:50

You are being tight, niggly and unreasonable.

£3 is not spare change to us but I wouldn't dream of asking a friend for petrol money and I wouldn't take it if it were offered.

Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 18:50

Feeling bit ashamed of myself now really, makes me sound really tight doesn't it? She's a good friend, and I to her I hope (most of the time anyway!) so lesson learnt me thinks!

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 22/04/2008 18:52

maybe you need to give her a call and straighten out all those niggly things

Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 18:55

I'm rubbish at confronting people cluelessnchaos I would have no idea how to go about it!

OP posts:
mshadowsisfab · 22/04/2008 18:56

yanbu petrol costs. if she got a bus/taxi she would have to pay

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 18:57

so you'd nickel and dime a pal over a few bob, m?

that's the whole point, you're not a bus or taxi, but a pal.

LyraSilvertongue · 22/04/2008 18:57

Let it go. It's only £3. Definitely don't ask her for it. she may have just forgotten and if you ask you'll seem money-grabbing.

SmoothandWilkie · 22/04/2008 19:06

What are the niggly things?

In reply to your original message, I can see your point, I would ALWAYS offer petrol money regarldless of distance OR would offer to drive next time. However, I would never ask, would hope the friend would offer unless it was a HUGE distance.

LyraSilvertongue · 22/04/2008 19:24

Tbh, I wouldn't even offer petrol money if someone else was driving. the unwritten rule is if you accept a lift, you drive next time. Or if there's no next time you get the coffees in or something. it's never an issue.

Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 19:26

lovely as she is, she can be very bossy, she knows best and her way is the correct way to do things. I always feel as though I'm defending my position with her and it can be infuriating and draining when you don't want a judgement/strong opinion and just need an ear. although that can be good if you need advice, i do come away from her sometimes feeling rung out! once, she gave me a child's slide she had chucked out then a few weeks later asked for it back, saying there was a new one in i could buy for £7. IMO you don't ask for things back once you have given them to someone. but on the other side of that she has given me a lot of old toys etc that she no longer uses (for setting up my business) and i am really grateful (I've always offered to pay for everything) but its just little niggly things! whoever said friendships were easy?

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 22/04/2008 19:30

Sounds like you need to get firmer with her and when she says does things like that tell her you think it is a bit off, I had a friend who treated me like that and I always ended up feeling like a charity case with her about.

Beeper · 22/04/2008 19:34

Dont you know oil is at a £117 dollars a barrel.

Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 19:40

Now i feel as though I am being taken advantage of. Does it sound like I am?

OP posts:
feedmenow · 22/04/2008 19:52

Maybe you need a little bit of space from your friend for a while so the niggles can go away?
It sounds to me to be similar to a situation I have been in where I do really value the friend and the friendship but we spent too much time together and it all got complicated. (eg, I offer petrol money/do the driving next time where as she doesn't cos she just doesn't think like that) I don't think you were really being unreasonable and I don't think she is taking advantage of you - I just think maybe you see and do things differently and need to find a way to get past those things to keep the friendship on the straight and narrow!

newgirl · 22/04/2008 20:12

i think if you enjoyed her company then consider that a contribution for the petrol. I invite my friend who doesnt drive out and i am very happy that she comes to keep me company - i wouldnt dream of asking for petrol - i think id end up going on my own if i did!

the slide thing - well, who knows - she may have decided to keep it/sell it - never mind

if you feel taken advantage of, then spend a little less time with them for a while

lizziemun · 22/04/2008 20:14

See as someone who doesn't have a car I would not have a problem paying you for petrol (BTW I always give £5).

Petrol is so expensive.

I have a friend who drives whenever we go out during the week and if she would not take the money then i will get her a bottle of wine or flowers.

I think it is just being polite to pay petrol to someone who is doing you a favour.

Original poster
ellideb · 22/04/2008 20:26

I think that's good advice feedmenow, I think the best thing to do would distance myself, we do see things differently, and I always come away feeling drained. I don't have to spend a lot of time with her so i won't. What did you do to resolve your differences?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 22/04/2008 20:32

YABU. You invited her so you shouldmot ask for ppetrol money. I sometimesgo out with a friend she does the driving sas I don't drive,but she does not expect me to give her petrol money. Iopper to pay for parking or buy her coffee.

nickytwotimes · 22/04/2008 20:35

I am also a non-driver so either buy the coffees or provide a picnic.

Alambil · 22/04/2008 20:41

You were going anyway!! The petrol would have been used had they been in the car or not

rookiemater · 22/04/2008 21:16

YABU. She has given you toys which I would count as being payment in kind , granted asking for a slide back is a little weird, but seriously not as bad as asking for £3.00 petrol money. BTW its a very precise amount, I'm assuming that you have calculated the cost of your journey and £3.00 is exactly half, in which case £6.00 of petrol is rather a lot to spend on the petrol. Wouldn't you have been better asking for petrol money from your mindees parents, who after all, would probably expect to pay for excursions.

LyraSilvertongue · 22/04/2008 22:48

I do have a friend though who never has any money and always expects other people to pay. Last time we went for a night out she arrived with just £5 in her pocket. We must have spent £30 on drinks, so £25 came out of my pocket. She also lost one of DS1's dressing up outfits (within hours of being lent it) and offered to pay for a new one in that 'I don't want to but will if you really insist' kind of way.
You do get fed up bailing people out sometimes.

LyraSilvertongue · 22/04/2008 22:51

Rookiemater, I'd feel a bit miffed if my childminder started demanding petrol money for day out that she takes my children on. It's her decision to take them. If I'd asked her to take them to a particular place, that would be different.
She does only have them one day a week though so it's not important that they go somewhere exciting on that day.