To be fed up with a conversational narcissist

[elotrolado]

My DB is a conversational narcissist. I’m so fed up with it, it’s emotionally draining!

Regularly, he:

Continually talks at you about money and how much him and his wife spend on material things, cars, holidays plus any pay rises they have had. Constantly belittles our car, life choices etc

Tries to influence you, on repeat. E.g. “You should try XXX like us, it’s brilliant” and so on.

Talks about places you’ve both been but as if he’s the only one to have done it, ignoring you when you try and join in and talk about it too.

Never asks about mine or DH’s job, house, life, anything. Still don’t think he knows what I do for a job!

Talks very loudly about himself in earshot of others in public and tries to draw them into the conversation in order to boast further. You can literally see people recoiling!

And this, he’s overly lavish with monetary gifts for our DC, almost to the point that although it’s very kind, it can be awkward when he behaves like he does - making me feel terribly guilty!

I try to keep my distance as much as possible but it’s difficult as I really don’t think he has a clue and he will just turn up unannounced.

Our parents know what he is like
but humour him, especially DF. I think they’re just grateful he’s settled down as he was challenging for much of his childhood and early adult life. His wife is lovely, I can’t understand it!

It sounds annoying, but there are many types of people in the world, we can't choose our family, you just have to put up with it really.

Everybody has a family member they don't particularly like.

OMG are you the sister that I never knew?

My DB is exactly the same. Our DF had Parkinson's & dementia - DB visits were like a Royal visit with my DM buzzing around him while he sat in her chair smoking! I lived just around the corner & was there every morning and evening to help my DM to care or him. Then DF went into a care home - DB never visited him there. DM died 2 years (almost to the day) after DF died. DB changed locks in their house & him & his partner cleared the house leaving me to deal with everything that they didn't want. They took everything from the house of value.

I've not spoken to him since - My DM's funeral was in September 2020. Sod him.

You need to set boundaries. I would tell him to please call before coming over as it may not be convenient at the time. Then when he calls, you can tell him either that you're busy or not in the mood for company most of the time, but occasionally agree to see him just so as not to cause a family rift. That way you can limit the contact more.
If he doesn't keep to your boundaries you will have to get more tough with him and refuse to see him until he treats you respectfully.

My dad was like this. It’s utterly exhausting. After a while people just tune it out.

If it’s any consolation bear in mind other people will have the same reaction. No one takes people like this seriously. Imagine being married to him.

That’s terrible! So sorry you had to go through that at such a difficult time 💐

My DPs, especially DF are getting increasingly frail and my DB seems to neglect to notice, rarely visiting them. When I’ve tried to talk to him about their health he just says he’ll talk to DF and tell him to pull himself together! I’m dreading whats to come.

Is there any possibility he is nd? Sorry to wield a Mn classic suggestion, but some of that sounds a bit as though he means well but isn’t fully intuitive about socialising - just the repeating and the “ trying to be helpful” sound as though reactions are going over his head.

I think so, yes. These traits along with other events over the years could well signal this. I just imagine it will always go undiagnosed, as he’s not someone that would recognise the signs nor listen if anyone tries to suggest it.

Yes I see the frustration. But while I sometimes eye roll at the vast numbers of people claiming and suggesting ND, I think what the ubiquitousness of the discussion has been helpful with is realising that when it really is an issue, they can’t help it.

I’ve had people in shops giving very weird service etc that once I might have pulled them up on, but now I’m better at just thinking well, you never know and letting it slide. I mean therein lie some downsides as well! But for your purposes it might take the edge of your frustration with him. People aren’t always being unusual in their behaviour to be arsey.

@Calliopespa This really helps me get through life easier, by accepting there are more undiagnosed ND people than we realise. It can explain so many difficulties in past generations.
It's really helped when I've thought someone is rude or ignorant, awkward etc, usually when I look deeper I can see ND traits or I just think "maybe that's why" and don't dwell on it.
But OP your brother sounds insufferable, I'd keep contact to as little as possible

You have just described my brother…I could have written this. Interestingly, my brother is also married to a really lovely person, and I never understood why she couldn’t see it. Anyway, in the last few months, they separated…we think he’s having an affair. She phoned me and said, she’s just realised he’s a compulsive liar and narcissist. She had been slowly ground down by him and controlled for so many years, she just didn’t see it.

I try to keep my distance from him. I live quite far away. Similar to you, I have parents with ill health. He’s not visited my dad once since several hospital visits and stays this year.

That’s really interesting, I can only imagine how living with someone like this could grind you down.

My DB lives in the same town unfortunately. Previously he lived away, so it was somewhat easier to maintain but when he moved back he chose where I live over anywhere else!

You need to be very firm that drop ins are NOT welcome.
Let him blow up, tantrum, whatever, but do it.
As losers like him age, their circle becomes smaller and they need an audience.
My friends brother was like this. She had years of it, as did her nice parents.

She kept quiet until her father died and her mother went into a home.
The week after her mother was in the home he rocked up to her home for his saturday afternoon visit where he would talk at people boasting and lecturing.

She wouldn't allow him in and told him he was not welcome to call to her home now that their parents were no longer in the family home.
He was shocked and appalled in equal measure.
She closed the door and avoided him ruthlessly for the following year.
She wouldn't reply or engage at all.

Her mother died a year later and she hasn't spoken to him since.

She said knowing that she never had to be around him again softened the blow of her parents.
He too had a very quiet nice wife, no children though.

He sounds very annoying and very boring so I would keep my distance.

I can’t see that he’s a narcissist though from the limited info given.

I have a brother exactly the same. He will even say things like ‘yes my mum said….’ Instead of saying ‘yes, mum said’ or ‘our mum said’
He always refers to our parents as just his. like they aren’t mine. Drives me mad

There's being a bore, but this is being a thief.