Fed up in marriage

[fedupe]

I'm a "stay at home Mum" to our 18 month old and love being with them but for some reason DH seems to think that EVERYTHING is my responsibility except bringing money in.

We have our own business, DH works all week then on Tuesday and Friday nights he plays football and alternate Saturday football matches. If he's not playing football at the weekend then 99% of the time he's working.

I appreciate how hard he works but he doesn't seem to appreciate me.

I keep the house clean and tidy, take our toddler to soft play/to meet friends with their kids/swimming lessons, I am solely responsible for all laundry, all housework, all food shopping.

He saw that a weeks shopping (although I got 2 weeks worth of meat as freeze for the following week) came to £170 and was so annoyed that I'd spent that much.

His side of our bedroom is a mess, football bag which smelt so bad from the damp football boots in he actually thought we had a gas leak and was looking around to see what the smell was until I came home and knew it was the bag right away and chucked it into the hallway.

There is a half cup of tea left on his desk in his office, it's been there 3 weeks now and I'm sick of feeling like I'm a skivvy so going against against my clean and tidy ways, I've left it to see how long it actually takes for him to wash up. Today I pointed out that it's still sat there and he said that I'm not moving it or washing it up "to score points".

I had a miscarriage 5 weeks ago and had a D&C 3 weeks ago, I'm still bleeding from that, I feel like I'm spinning plates constantly except they're all falling off and crashing. I feel utterly exhausted, tearful, sad and lonely.

He complains we don't have a sex life (once or twice a month) but I don't feel like having sex with somebody who doesn't appreciate me. I'm now stuck in a vicious circle where I began comfort eating and I've put 1.5 stone on and now feel disgusting in myself so definitely don't feel like having sex.

We sit down in the evening and he mainly plays games on his phone/doesn't show interest in watching anything with me like a series or anything.

I try and talk to him and it just ends up in a row. Just stuck for how we move forward in this.

Oh darling I feel for you. Your miscarriage was very recent & no wonder you're feeling down. Your DH isn't being very supportive is he? I'm thinking that you may be depressed (wouldn't be surprising given everything that you're dealing with) maybe worth talking to your GP. But that won't solve the basic issues in your relationship. £170 for <almost> 2 week's shopping is, by no means, unreasonable - I've just put in a Tesco order of £335.?? Which will last the 2 of us about 3 weeks. Chasing an 18 month old child around all day is blooming hard work, add that to you being chief cook & housemaid, no wonder you don't feel like sex. Sex can become just another job that you have to do.

Do you have any friends who you can talk to and generally socialise with? Maybe take your little one out in their buggy & have a bit of a jog around the park? I also suggest that you create a playlist of your favourite tracks & have a boogie around the house (little one will enjoy having a disco). Dancing is good exercise & releases endorphins that make you feel good.

I note that talking to DH isn't a goer. No surprise there - talking means that he may have to take action which could impact on his cooshy life, but I'd persevere.

Good luck Hun.

He sounds awful.

Time to get your ducks in a row.

Or you can leave it another 10 years....

Sweetheart, find your inner warrior woman and fuck him. Make a better life for you and your child. You both will thank you in the future.

Thank you @Ibloodylovetea for being so lovely, we do put on music and dance together, little one loves a boogie and they feel me with happiness I just feel lonely in myself.

I'm lucky I have great friends and we all had children around the same time give or take a year or less and we meet at soft play etc once a week.

I need to get this weight off but I'm stuck in a cycle where I'm exhausted so don't exercise and then I feel crap so binge on crisps and choc at night when LO is in bed. X

I don't know who I am without him, we are childhood sweethearts and I love him so much.

I get so confused within myself as he is a fantastic Dad and I really do mean that and he CAN be a fantastic husband, he can be loving, attentive, caring I think he's also exhausted from running the business which I get and our busy daily lives is causing friction between us but yes I do wish he helped more, even if he did do the little things like bringing his cups out to the sink and washing them up or clearing his side of the bed.

I don't want him to stop playing football as I know it's his exercise and hobby but I wish he was here more to help out.

When he is here, he spends time with LO until they go to bed which I get and I love seeing them together, they were a much wanted baby after years of fertility issues.

I'm just so conflicted as I'm miserable with this life that I'm living, I love being a Mum, adore it, adore our child with every inch of me but I hate being solely responsible for all of our life admin, our home, laundry, groceries etc. it's like I have a full time job of raising a toddler but I also have another full time job on top of that as a housemaid and it's relentless and exhausting,

Could you put LO in nursery a couple of mornings a week to get some time to yourself?
Or join a gym with a crèche?
That sounds really hard and your DH sounds really unhelpful I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either!

Do not feel guilty for feeling this way OP. The way he is approaching parenthood is incredibly outdated. He may have seen his father act this way but I promise you it is an antiquated way of living. Our parents generation were probably the last generation who approached male and female parenting roles like this (I’m in my mid 30s..not sure how old you are).

My stance has always been that during the working day, my job is looking after my child and DH’s job is at the office. The second he gets home we are both on equal footing and an equal partnership. You simply cannot function if there is no equality once the working day ends.

The fact he has the nerve to complain about a lack of sex life shows a lot of true colours.

Only you can change this. You must make it a priority to speak to him about this and find a resolution that works for you as well as him otherwise you are on a journey to hating him for a long time.

I understand that you find over-eating a comfort - I do the same when stressed. Cheesy Wotsits my favourite go-to. I can easily eat 5-6 packets in one sitting.

Might it be possible to put little one into a nursery or with a relative or other childcare for a couple of mornings a week while you get yourself a part time job? Or even do some voluntary work - charity shops would bite your hand off if you offered a few hours a week. Would give you a feeling that you'd achieved something, there would be company, a chance to be just you, not someone's wife, mother etc, you would get a tea/coffee break when you actually get to drink a hot drink AND you can go to the loo without a little person hammering on the door. I was a single mum for 10 years & used to joke that I went to work for a rest LOL!

Do you feel able to just actually lose it with him? I don't mean ranting and raving, I just mean actually using direct language telling him you're pissed off to high hell and unfulfilled in your marriage or are you just quietly sad and worried that speaking up won't please him and he will leave you?

He is very very selfish and horrible man!

I don’t know if you have any close family or friends you can stay with for a few days or week to get some rest bit.

also work is easier that looking after 18 months all by yourself.

consider a cleaner

I've just talked to my DH about this. He had a small chain of 5 restaurants with his ex. He was also passionate about playing & watching rugby. His comment was that what you are saying is what his ex wife said when she left him. But she chose to have an affair & left him for someone else. This was some 20 years ago.

I asked him what his ex could have done to change things. He thought for a while and then said that she should have told him exactly how she felt. I asked if she had tried to talk to him about it. He said 'yes', but it was always in the context of moaning & rowing when they were both tired & over-whelmed by a particularly busy day & would have been better if she'd picked a time when they were relaxed & cosy to have that discussion as he'd have been more amenable to listening. He also commented that, on balance, he could have done more to help by getting a cleaner in, spending less time at the rugby club & spending more time with her rather than all his time in the businesses or playing rugby. He's very complimentary about his ex - says she's an excellent mother & grandmother & was a 'grafter' - which she is as we've met on many occasions watching GC playing rugby, school plays, sports days etc.

Maybe that helps?

PS DH stressed that he ALWAYS cleaned his own rugby boots & kit - would NEVER have left them stinking next to the bed.

His focus is on himself constantly, your dc as they get older will see you upset and the raised voices in the household.

This was very similar to my marriage before we separated back in 2010. It broke me to hear my son (8yrs old at the time) say to his dad, we are way down your priority list daddy. My son went onto say all the names of my exh friends who came before us on his list. We were way down the list.

Gladly we have moved on, unfortunately son has not spoken to his father in 10yrs.

You need to think long term what is best for you and your child.

Before resentment sets in.

Having a miscarriage is a hugely traumatic event. I wouldn't make any decision while going through the grief of that as you will not be yourself. Don't underestimate its impact on you. Can you get some counselling and when you are a bit stronger tackle your dh . Could you go and stay with your mom for a few days to get a change of scenery and some help with your toddler.
Then l would seriously think of getting a job even part time as you will be less taken for granted.

He's not fantastic though is he? If he was you wouldn't be so miserable. Good fathers don't treat their child's mother like shit. He's selfish. How has his life changed since you got married and had your baby? Probably not much, whereas your life has probably changed beyond recognition.

Changes need to be made. You must tell him how you feel and that he needs to start pulling his weight. You are not his skivvy. He needs to step up and you need to work out how you want to go forward if he doesn't.

I think you need to sit down and discuss