Overbearing MIL

[x1994x]

AIBU?

I'm pregnant with my first child and due January so me and DP have started getting the babies room together, furniture built and clothes put in the wardrobe.

I've been really excited as I love decorating and organising, I've bought wooden wall lights and painted them just to give the room our own touch.

I'm expecting a boy so I have bought blue accessories as I don't want a bland white and grey bedroom (the walls are white and carpet is grey and I want to save money so can't replace)

MIL was at our house all day Friday whilst we was working as we was expecting a signed for delivery and I came home from work (she had since left) and my babies room had been reorganised - think cot and furniture swapped around, some of my wooden lights have been taken down and the blue curtains have been taken down just leaving my white blinds up.

My babies clothes that I still had folded in a bag as I wanted to go through them, wash them, put them away in size order and where I need them had all been put away and hung up, labels ripped off them etc

Felt like a massive invasion of privacy as there was no asking if she can do this or heads up nor did me or DP give permission for her to do this.

Both me and DP went mad and basically told her she can't go into peoples houses and act as if it's her own and take over duties I've been looking forward to do as a first time mum. She played the card of wanting to do something nice and got upset bla bla bla.

She's now not talking to us (which is fine by me tbh) but AIBU or has this taken the mick?!

One piece of great advice I received was to leave the labels on so you could exchange stuff if you needed for older aged items etc.
So presumptuous.
So invasive.
So rude.
Don't think this is normal behaviour.
It really isn't.
Hold on to your fury and use it.

I still don't understand why she'd rip all the labels off???

I would go absolutely nuclear about this. She is an intrusive and interfering madam. Start as you mean to go on when the baby gets here. She'll no doubt try to be overbearing with that too. Set clear boundaries and never give way to her.

OP that’s not being kind. It’s being controlling and really, really upsetting.
Good you and DP are on the same page.
Make sure she is never in your home on your own again. Be prepared for her to chime in with name suggestions (I am thinking Lionel!) and buying him a clarinet for his first birthday.
Let her sulk and do not give in.
Not the same thing….
Got my first flat late 90’s. All cream and minimalist - I thought it was very Armani chic. Came home from a holiday and my lovely mum had a surprise for me.
The main bedroom had been decorated in blue and lemon ‘splashed’ wallpaper, matching bedding and lamps all from Marks and Sparks. And a dado rail in bright yellow.
She said well I knew it was bland and all this is expensive but I thought it would lift your mood!
I used to lie in bed and groan just looking at it 😂

You are so very lucky to have a husband that has your back. I had years of this sort of nonsense before it got so bad even he had to go no contact.

I would make plain to your husband that this means how you deal with her going forward will be different. Grey rock her no information to act or interfere with and keep her firmly at arms length.

Your husband may be swayed if she kicks up more of a fuss by playing the victim. Many men will try and appease the squeakier wheel, so make sure it’s more uncomfortable for him to appease her than do what is right by you.

Found out my DH’s brother has spilt with his gf and honesty thought good, she’s escaped this ghastly family. (My DH is lovely, but was in the fog for the past decade).

YANBU at all, it's horrendous behaviour. It sounds like a power move, then followed up with deliberate emotional manipulation. "I was only trying to help!". How? How would taking down curtains help?

As for removing all the labels, that's just terrible. Because it isn't something you can even fix. You can at least move the furniture back. You can't pit the labels back in if you decide you wanted to take any items of clothing back.

It's completely normal to ask family for favours. She chose to accept doing a favour. Nowhere in the fine print does it say that if you help family out, it gives you free reign to start ripping out labels from clothing and rearranging rooms. It isn't normal behaviour.

Don't allow her anywhere near your house for the foreseeable future, if at all. Probably best not to leave her alone with the baby too long either, or she'd probably take it for a hair cut or something and say she was "trying to help"! She's making it known she isn't to be trusted. She knew very well what she was doing and it isn't an innocent mistake, it's a clear power move, and doesn't bode well for trusting her in any other areas.

Oh this has pissed me off. That is out-fucking-rageous. Taking the curtains down!! Who does she think she is!? That was a big fuck you to you if ever there was one.

Massive overstepping.
She reorganised the furniture, removed curtains that had been hanging, and proceeded to take tags off clothes and hang them up meaning you can't return them?

Very very presumptious!

I wouldn't have her cross my threshold again. I know she will be grandmother but you can go to visit her and keep her out of your home.

I'd even go so far as to print off some application forms for moving to Australia and other far flung countries and looking for residency etc. and leave them around. See if she takes the bait!

Wow that’s awful, sadly I’ve experienced similar though nothing this outrageous. That’s so sad taking away those special moments for you. Well done for speaking up. Good to set boundaries now.

Pretty sure she means the cardboard tags that have the price etc on. Not the fabric ones with washing instructions. Totally normal to remove these before putting clothes away… although absolutely not the MILs place to do it in this case.

Obviously she was completely and utterly unreasonable. Absolutely bizarre behaviour.

You are already winning though because it sounds like you have a husband who is entirely reasonable and will support you when his mother stomps over normal boundaries / behaves like a lunatic. That makes all the difference, and will especially in those vulnerable first weeks and months with a new baby. My MIL was really REALLY intense (lots of grabbiness and weird expectations) when my baby was born and it kinda ruined new motherhood for me. I didn't feel very supported unfortunately and it still impacts me now.

So, I'd let him handle it from here, you don't need extra stress in pregnancy. And of course don't trust her in your home again, she's shown you who she is.

Best of luck, hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and all goes really well for you.

I just realised that she meant the cardboard tags too! Still outrageous behaviour.

I'm usually one for oh she was trying to save you a job but no. This is out of order. I'd never leave her unattended in your house or with your child.

I always go onto these threads expecting the OP to just be bashing the MIL for the sake of it but WOW.

I'd never let that woman in my house again, she took a huge first from you. I'm so glad your husband is on the same page as you.

Running the hoover round is helpful. What she did is just plain controlling and weird.

She's definitely just lost all of the trust you had in her

I am so sorry you have got a horrible MIL. How about you paid her a little visit and start rearranging her decorations and wardrobe? And then go all teary on her and say "I just wanted to help"... batshit

I would say you were planning to return some of the clothes and ask her why she’s taken the tags off and what she expects you to do now? I’m outraged for you OP I loved setting up my babies nursery and putting away all their little clothes. It annoyed me enough when DH wanted to help! Not to mention I actually kept on a lot of tags as I needed to exchange a lot of the clothes for different sizes.

She shouldn’t even be upstairs nosying around the bedrooms!

Good on you and your DP for setting these boundaries now with her before baby arrives and you have even more issues.

Of course now she is playing the poor victim me card. Doesn’t surprise me one bit.

That’s what people like her do when they overstep a boundary in order to guilt you into allowing this behaviour to continue.

Good you both stood up to her!

I have an overbearing, over stepping MIL unfortunately.

It's taken years of me getting cross and explanations falling on deaf ears to get even slightly anywhere.

I don't understand why parents (in-laws or family) think it's OK to behave in this way.

If you switch it around to consider - would I behave like this at their house? Would I do it to a friend? The answer is no. I have no idea why they think it's acceptable to behave this way, just because it's their child and spouse/partner.

And yes, the usual reaction to being challenged, even politely, is surprised and hurt. And completely unable to comprehend why it might not be ok.

I have the same problem. Moved away from her, she's now saying she's selling up and moving to be close to us.

She has continued to be incredibly overbearing and plays the victim whenever challenged, however gently.

All you can do is protect and reinforce your own boundaries. At least DH has your back, that's the key part of the deal really.

That is totally unacceptable behaviour and not normal. It's not being helpful it any way. It's an invasion of privacy and she sounds like the kind of womanwho will try and controlyour lives under the disguise of being helpful. Trust me on this , you need to put in place boundaries now. This woman will ruin your years as a first time mum. I had experience with this , she cast a dark shadow over my life with my child. She ruined so many things and my mental health suffered badly because of her need to control and try to be number 1. I'm not over reacting , she sounds like the kind of lady who will ruin your time as a mummy. Nip it in the bud now!!

Can we come over and redesign your things?
I don't think that sofa looks awfully well there.
No, sorry, the colours aren't you.
What were you thinking?

This.
This is for you. It's nesting and as such is your nest.
Can't believe she can't see that. Cheecky woman.
Ignore her tantrum.

What happens to someone to think this is an okay thing to do?

How rude poking her nose in and interfering! I wouldn't have that, when she next comes I wouldn't even allow her upstairs.