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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is not ok?

7 replies

Lifeisjusttoohard · 05/10/2024 19:11

DD 19 has been with her bf for around 7/8 months. She spends pretty much all weekend with him most weekends and three nights a week.
Last night she went out with friends and stayed over. He’d asked her to go out tonight to a fair, and stay over at his sisters but she’d said no. She likes his sister, but every time they get together they end up not getting home until 5/6 am and she really doesn’t enjoy that, plus she knew she’d be tired from last night. She arrived home at lunch today, telling me he was still pestering her to go out tonight, but she really wanted to just chill at home. He called and said he wanted to see her as he hadn’t seen her last night (one night fgs) but she said it was crazy for him to drive over (half hour each way) when she’d see him tomorrow. He insisted he didn’t mind, so met her at the stables when she went to do her horse…still trying to persuade her to go out. He told her that his sister would think she didn’t like her, and he’d already told his sister she was going. DD told him he should not have, as she’s said no all along. She got home from the stables and he called her saying he wanted a bit more time with her as he’d only had 20 mins at stables so turned up at home.
when I got home from seeing a friend she was dressed ready to go with him. She said he’d just gone on and on and she could not be bothered to argue with him.
I told her this was not right at all and it was controlling behaviour. She said she knew that and left.
Please give me your most sensible opinions on this. AIBU to think this is really bad.
Worried mum 🥲

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 05/10/2024 19:14

Try not to worry too much. So now you know this behaviour, for future try and get something in place for her.
For example, she could say you have booked a meal for her, she already has plans, things like that she can’t get out of. It’s good that she is aware that it is controlling. Try not to get in at her so to speak - she sounds clued up, she will get there by herself just be herself alibi if you need to be.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/10/2024 19:15

I understand your concern and I would feel the same. Not sure what you can do though, other than be there for your dd when she eventually decides she wants out. And making it clear to her that you're happy to talk things through if she needs to.

I hope she extricates herself very soon!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/10/2024 19:19

Sounds like she already knows it's not right and it won't last much longer.

Although it doesn't give much of a clue about how he REALLY is, or what you actually think of him. For all you know he's got surprise tickets to an event or something and it was all just a ruse to get her to go out.

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 05/10/2024 19:36

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/10/2024 19:19

Sounds like she already knows it's not right and it won't last much longer.

Although it doesn't give much of a clue about how he REALLY is, or what you actually think of him. For all you know he's got surprise tickets to an event or something and it was all just a ruse to get her to go out.

He seems to treat her well, buys her flowers etc. He isn’t someone I’d kind of imagined her with, but they have a lot in common and all I care is that she’s happy. I don’t have to go out with him. There’s been a couple of earlier incidents that I hadn’t thought much of until now.
She went clubbing with a friend and was staying over. Then she messaged to say her bf had picked them up to save getting a cab, but then he’d taken her back to his and she hadn’t stayed with her friend. She said her friend didn’t mind as DD has to get up early for the horse so it was ok. Another time she went to a concert with a friend and he ended up driving them to it and taking her back to his afterwards. At the time I thought it was him being caring but I did have a niggle of doubt…and now…

OP posts:
unsync · 05/10/2024 20:02

With your last update, it puts things into a different light. The flowers etc could be love bombing. Do they really have a lot in common or is he mirroring? The picking up is most concerning, that's very controlling, especially when viewed with the coercive behavior in your first post.

She needs to extricate herself, but be prepared for it to get difficult. He won't like losing control.

Cherrysoup · 05/10/2024 20:06

Picking her up, taking her there sounds like many threads I’ve read on here, basically he’s controlling her movements/not allowing her to see her friends? I don’t really like the sound of this. How does she have time for his crap with a horse?!

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 05/10/2024 22:04

unsync · 05/10/2024 20:02

With your last update, it puts things into a different light. The flowers etc could be love bombing. Do they really have a lot in common or is he mirroring? The picking up is most concerning, that's very controlling, especially when viewed with the coercive behavior in your first post.

She needs to extricate herself, but be prepared for it to get difficult. He won't like losing control.

No they genuinely do have a lot in common. It’s just made me a little on edge. She was so tired and really did not want to go out at all.

OP posts:
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