In trouble for doing the washing

[MarshmellowMan]

After years of doing nothing (despite me working more hours), DH started doing all the cooking and food shopping, but he was always uncomfortable if I bought some extra food or something not part of his "system"

He has since taken over all the kids laundry. He insists that he will do it all, uniforms etc. All fine with me

Today he has been pissed off with me all day as I scooped up a bunch of kids clothes lying around and washed them. He says he can't do it if I'm randomly doing the odd wash. He is really really frustrated and pissed off with me

I do get what's he's saying. I should be thanking the lord and getting on with my life. But feels a bit controlling to only eat what he wants plus not be able to put a wash on

I wanted him to do more but feels a bit ridiculous. He said I'm being unfair and he cant do these things unless I let him

I mean he's really mad that I've washed the kids clothes!!

I could not live like that. What would happen if you sat him down & explained exactly how it makes you feel? What are his reasons for it?

He’s being strangely controlling. Is he this rigid all the time?

That sounds like a slightly mentally unbalanced approach to a task, unless he has some kind of really structured system which you have somehow interfered with..? He can't unilaterally decide it's an all or nothing approach!

As a long-time laundress for my family. I did find it strangely enraging when DH randomly did some laundry or tried to hang up any wet laundry. I had a very efficient system (still do) and his efforts, although very much well meant, disrupted my easy flow.

I dunno, I wish DH would stay out of the washing and have got really frustrated with him in the past because I have got it worked out in my head so that things can be washed and hung and dried when the next wash needs hanging to minimise tumble dryer use. I hate it when he decides to do a washing blitz and has the dryer running constantly plus wet washing hanging from every slightly suspended surface.
But then I don't see dirty washing in washing baskets as a bas thing. It's where it belongs and it can wait there as far as I'm concerned - the kids and me have plenty of clothes, far too many in fact, we're not going to run out.
He apparently sees washing in baskets as a problem and needs to fix it.

Also used to HATE it when he did my washing and never sorted things so ruined a few items. He's got slightly better at this, plus most of the kids pale things are ruined already now so that rage is spent.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want a calm conversation about it. But I must admit that I do all the laundry in our household and find it easier that way. I have it in mind what needs washing first, and how much drying space is available, and I choose dry windy days for sheets and towels and so on.

Shopping and cooking the meals is another thing altogether and I think this should be shared unless one person is completely happy with the food that the other person shops for and cooks. Selfishly, I'd rather do all of this too, but I understand that my DH sometimes wants to buy chips for lunch or have processed meat that I'd rather not eat, and I go with that.

He basically is "if I'm gonna do this, let me do it". Maybe he sees me doing it as feeling like I don't trust him. I didny think anything of it. The kids were watching telly. He was at the gym. I just did a wash on a sat morning. Makes me feel weird that I can't do that. But as I say - I do get he has a system and he has asked that if he's going to do it he wants to be left to do it

The food thing is annoying as he buys loads of ready made sauces and I would enjoy batch cooking sauces etc but it really irritates him and creates an atmosphere

Deleted, I think I was wrong.

It's great he is so hands on but sounds very frigid in his ways. Are you sure there's not something behind his frigidness?

Sounds like far too much hard work. In this house whoever is home / has the time does the shopping, cooking, washing etc and the other one says thank you. No systems at all but it works for us!

Just stand up for yourself?

Sounds annoying. My ex got like this about shopping and cooking. I wasn't allowed to choose what I wanted to eat. It was controlling.

I can see how you feel, but I also get very annoyed when DH arrives home with random food items that aren't in the meal plan so I then need to work out when use them or says "they are for the freezer" when I stocked the freezer two days previously and there isn't room in it! I don't interfere in the car maintenance regime, so I get irritated when he does it to me.

@Createausername1970 but the car maintenance routine (whatever that may be) is pretty standard no? I want to cook. I want to eat something other than the 7 same dishes. Who does the oil in the car is not the same as getting to decide what everyone eats.

@whatsintherug I'm trying! That's why we have been fighting all day. Me telling him it's no big deal.

DP rarely does the washing, and when he does he gives it no more thought that it being in the washing machine. Just tonight I found the clothes in there had been done, at some point in the last few days. So they need rewashed before being put out to dry. In the winter, when we have to dry clothes on radiators, he’ll wash a full load which then has to be dried in two lots, so half tends to need to go in again. It’s such a waste of electricity.

I don’t usually say anything, though I did the time he threw the tub of soiled nappies in with everything else. He’d not touched the machine in months so I assumed I was safe just leaving them there so I’d remember to sort them in the morning. I was not impressed at having to rinse a full load by hand in the bath before rewashing them!

Did he develop some type of OCD?
You mentioned having the same 7 dishes, is that he is that controlling? Can you ask for your favorite meals once in a while or is his "system" the most important?

Wtf, he is a controlling arsehole. Not being ‘allowed’ to cook a meal or put a wash on in your own home is so odd & unrealistic

Washing leave him to it if he has a system.

Cooking I'd say a 50/50 split is reasonable and whoever cooks does pots too.

This dynamic has appeared for us in some ways over the years - I find DH can be incredibly boundaried around what’s ’his tasks’ and mine and struggles with what he feels is me ‘interfering’. For example in the past if he’s putting kids to bed and I come in to put laundry etc away and kids start interacting with me, he would get annoyed and I would get annoyed at how inflexible he could be.

Over the years chatting about it, I’ve come to understand that my upbringing was quite ‘everyone pitch in’ and I am happiest when we are all working together on things, but his was ‘family are critical and micromanage everything’ so he feels most comfy and in control when left to get on with things himself. At times I’ve found it hard with weekends as what I want is his back up and help, he thinks he should offer me breaks and have some himself. I like this to an extent but things can get shiftworky which I really dislike.

Anyway we now understand these dynamics well and communicate about them well, so they don’t cause problems like they used to, and they don’t get misunderstood by one another to mean things they don’t - we are just different and have different needs, which can both get met with discussion and cooperation.