Who is being unreasonable here...

[hampsteadfeat]

Long story short..

My childhood and one of my closest friends, of forty years and I , recently went away to a yoga retreat. We haven't spent a weekend fully together since we were young and single.

I am a lone parent. She isn't. We each have three kids all between 12-16.
When I state' lone ' I mean lone as in I have little or no support. One of my kids has autism.
My friend is married and her husband is mostly hands on.
I was very anxious for the first day or so. I couldnt relax as my kids were with different families and needed contact for various reasons.
Her kids were at home with her husband.

She seemed very irritated with me. She felt I was agitated and unsettled and suggested more counselling and a lot of woo to support myself. I am time poor and low in funds.

I had really thought that I was doing well. I have lots of counselling and am putting strategies into place to support myself as best I can eg sleep, water, nutrition, exercise and meditation.

I could see that I was unsettled, I couldn't switch off and was anxious as one of my kids was very upset at home.

My friend is very anal about times, activities, plans. I am not as I do not have that luxury.and frankly I don't live by a clock .
I just went along with her plans as it suited me also but she was definitely annoyed that I couldn't just enjoy this retreat by switching straight into relax mode.
Who is unreasonable here ?

Is this comment for real?

I feel for you, OP. I hear how difficult your life is, it's not dissimilar to mine in some ways. Luckily, my friends are far more understanding and have no trouble accepting our different lives and try, with me, to make the best of our times together. Lesson learned, OP. Don't make the same mistake of going away with them again. Keep the friendship on the workable basis it was on before. All the best.

Neither of you were being unreasonable. The situations you left at home were very different in terms of feeling like your children were safe and happy.

Try not to be too upset by her behaviour. Anxiety transmits and you being unsettled may have put her on edge too.

You don't seem to possess much self awareness here op. It's all about what your friend did wrong, what parts of her personality are wrong.

Oh I could'nt bare it.

I’m not autistic but if there’s a plan to do something at a certain time then I like that plan to be stuck to or it messes up the rest of the day’s events. As soon as you said “I don’t live by a clock” I understood your friend’s frustrations. If you don’t live by a clock how do you ever get anywhere on time? The fact she picked up you were anxious means it did impact her, or she wouldn’t have said anything, yet you’re adamant you’re right and she was wrong. Were you constantly calling or messaging dc? Your friend wanted time with you being present and was disappointed she didn’t get that. It may be that you were not able to give her what she wanted but she doesn’t sound unreasonable. It’s a shame it didn’t work for both of you.

I agree with this.
A case of same planet, different worlds.

I really think you aren’t seeing things from her pov any more than you feel she couldn’t see yours. As a pp stated, having a supportive hubby doesn’t mean her life is stress free, and she had probably been really looking forward to some wind down time. A retreat should be just that, and despite you asserting that your jumpiness didn’t affect her personality, it clearly did! She was unable to relax.

You sound quite self-absorbed to be honest.
Maybe she could have been more understanding, but frankly if you displayed the same attitude then as you are in this thread, id have been cross with you too.

I think you are both a bit unreasonable.

I don't think she's unreasonable for expecting a yoga retreat to be relaxing. Thsts the point of it. If you are super anxious then it is stressful to be around, it's not your fault you were anxious but maybe just not the right activity for you/not the most compatible friend

Just have a spa day in future. Less full on.

I don’t get why you would agree to a weekend away knowing that you would be stressed and agitated about your kids.

Who suggested a yoga retreat? If it was your friend I would say she was maybe trying to help you get some time to relax and unwind and she was irritated you wouldn’t switch off. If it was you then i understand why your friend would be annoyed if you had suggested it but then not made an effort to enjoy it.

I do understand it’s easier for her to leave her children with their dad, she doesn’t have to worry as much as you do but I really don’t understand why you would agree to something that would stress you out and worry you and then be annoyed at your friend because your stress impacted her and agitated her. IMO you should never have agreed to it and you shouldn’t be resentful of your friend because she has a husband to look after their children.

You criticise for your friend for “always needing to be right” yet in every response you are offering more & more to try to make your friend look like the one who is unreasonable.

You clearly think she was unreasonable and want to be proven correct.

Maybe she was but probably not as much as you would like to think!

How do you know? Also why ask AIBU if you’re not actually going to take on board anything people say that you don’t agree with?

I think so? What’s wrong with it? Seems like a reasonable comment to me.

OP, you say that you being agitated didn’t affect your friend, but that’s a little tone-deaf and lacking empathy on your part. Being asking somebody who is agitated and anxious and not enjoying themselves can really affect your mood.