Starting to consider (worry) about my fertility at aged 31

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I am currently 31, single and have never had a long-term relationship.

I have always wanted to get married but I have never been sure about having children. I think that's most likely though because I have never been with someone who I love and can see myself settling down with. When I actually sit down and think about my future, I probably would like my own family one day.

Obviously I am aware fertility starts to decline the older you get and this never really bothered me as it was something I just didn't think about. Also, 31 seems to have creeped up on me out of nowhere, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not in my 20s anymore!

However, in the last few weeks / months, it's something I have found myself thinking about frequently. A lot of my school peers and friends are either having babies / trying for babies / in serious relationships. It's really started to play on my mind and got me thinking about what happens if one day when I am in my mid/late 30s, I want to try for a baby yet it doesn't happen because my fertility has declined.

I have thought about doing a fertility test to see how fertile I currently am. My mum actually had me when she was 37 back in the 90s, so maybe that means I might have good fertility? But I've also been thinking about my other options - most notably egg freezing.

I am posting this to see if anyone is in the same situation, or was in the same situation and decided to do something to preserve their fertility?

I am, of course, very aware that things can change dramatically in a year, and who knows, in a year I could be in a serious relationship and trying for a baby at aged 32! But dating and meeting people is hard nowadays (I live in London).

To be honest 31 seems a little early to be worried about egg freezing! Although I wouldn’t sit around and wait for Prince Charming to find me either- are you doing any online dating?

I think it is time to start proactively dating decent men with a view to settling down. Sure you’ll find women on here who fell pregnant the first month at 40, but it took me four years both times to have my babies at 28 and 34. Don’t gamble with your fertility.

Egg freezing is actually more successful the younger you are so I wouldn’t wait if you think that’s an option OP. It’s pricey though.

Are you actively looking for a relationship? In the real world too, not just online? Fertility tests do give you some idea of where you are but AMH can drop at any point in the next decade so it’s more of a snapshot, not always the best indicator.

The younger you are when you freeze your eggs the more likely they are to be useful to you when you need them.

op egg freezing is likely to give you a false sense of security, it isn’t that sucessful.

Making an effort to date with more of a plan is more likely to be sucessful.

Took me years to have my second child, despite being in my mid twenties!
So I'd say don't gamble, freeze your eggs if you can afford it.

Egg freezing is more successful if you do it when you’re younger - but it is far from guaranteed to get you a baby. And fertility unfortunately is not hereditary. The fertility tests can you give you some indication but they’re far from definitive. If you would want to have a baby with a partner I’d prioritise dating right now. And the age effect on fertility doesn’t really kick in til later 30s.

I was 26 when I fell pregnant and that was after a year of no protection. My mum fell pregnant very quickly. This means your mum's fertility may not be the same as yours. 31 isn't an older mum, but you could easily be in your mid 30s by the time you've settled down with someone. Time to start dating men who actually want children.

It’s actually the best time to do it if you are going to. There is not much point in doing it over 35.

I think egg freezing has a much lower success rate (regardless of age) than most people think. Make sure you research very carefully. And it’s not like sperm freezing, you have to take some quite serious drugs to stimulate egg production and then have an operation to extract them- I had it for IVF, it’s a day thing but you do need full sedation and can be uncomfortable for a few days afterwards.

I think egg freezing has a much lower success rate (regardless of age) than most people think.

It’s certainly not the panacea that MN seems to think it is.

Start dating and going out as much as possible. But do not just hyper focus on finding a man to settle with as the be all and end all. Have fun, think about what you really like and do that. What do you like? I belong to some hiking groups, some are mixed and I know there have been two marriages in one of them. However those people do love hiking. I you tried something and hated it then changed yourself to accommodate a true lover of that activity it’s a problem.

I know there is a lot of dating online these days and it is pretty dire a lot of the time but I do know two success stories with marriages over a decade long.

I think it might depend a bit on how much spare cash you have at the moment. If you’re working in a City job and quite flush, go for it, what harm can it do? Worst case is the eggs are no use in future so you’ve wasted about 5 grand but at least you did something.
But if money is tighter it’s not something that needs to be a priority right now.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far - they are helpful. My friend actually told me a similar thing the other day about egg freezing not being that successful. I haven't done my research but I just know that it is one option.

To answer the questions about dating - no, I am not actively dating at the moment which I realise is a big hindrance to meeting someone! I am partly not doing this though because I am trying to work on myself and my self-esteem and self-confidence. But also conscious that I am not getting any younger either. I've had some poor experiences with online dating in the last year and it's put me off again. I've also had some ONS' and me being the naive person that I am think that a relationship can start from these!

I am definitely going to try out new hobbies. I've actually signed up for some beginner golf lessons as my parents love it. Hiking / walking is another hobby I am thinking of exploring too.

I could've written his word for word. 32 has just crept up on me so quickly and now I'm worried that I've left it so late. I'm glad that I'm not the only one so thank you for posting this

31 is a great time to think seriously about your future and consider the fact that life may not take the route you expected. I don't mean that as a downer, it could be better than you ever dreamed, but think about your priorities, how important having a child is to you, and what you want out of life if it doesn't happen (since that's never 100% in your control). Are you finding meaning and purpose and fun from other areas of your life?

Your 30s are a great decade for being intentional and taking steps toward the future you want - dating selectively, building your community in other ways, personal development. The richer your overall life, the more likely you are to get where you want/need to be but also the stronger you'll be and the more options you'll have if one element of what you wanted (and I accept having kids is a fairly huge element) doesn't happen. I am trying to work through this myself and looking for new hobbies in London including hiking and running!

Also don't be hard on yourself. I'm a similar age and felt like I lost a lot of time due to the pandemic, then wasted even more by dwelling on that and panicking about approaching my 30s in the years after. From speaking to others it's a really common feeling that we missed out on our late 20s and people either felt rushed into the baby decision or feel guilty for wanting to enjoy a bit more of single or child free life past 30

I am just about to start IVF. I was 30 when we started trying and am now 34. We have unexplained infertility, my amh is normal for my age and I did get pregnant when I was in my very early 20’s. No endo or pcos, regular periods and I’m a healthy BMI. Both my sisters got pregnant the month after coming off contraception. So this whole journey has been a total shock. I thought once I decided I wanted a baby it would happen quickly.

Having said that, lot and lots of my friends have managed to get pregnant with absolutely no bother. I feel like the anomalie rather than the rule.

If you have the means to freeze your eggs and you are determined you want to be a mum I would do it.

@Hep1989 I am sorry to hear you are going through a hard journey to conceive. I wish you all of the best with your IVF!

I don’t want to scare you! And it feels like everyone else has absolutely no problems getting pregnant (multiple times 🤣)… but if I knew what a long road this would be I would have started trying sooner. But again, when housing is so unstable, finding the right person is a journey, get to a point in your career etc etc that’s not always possible either! You are very sensible to start thinking about all this now!

I didn’t realise but there are things you can do to protect your fertility, there’s a really good book called ‘it starts with the egg’. Things like avoiding BPA’s, getting enough vitamin D taking a supplement called coq10.

Good luck xx

At 32 I was single and had no specific plans to start a family. I moved countries, joined a few groups/meetups to meet new people (not specifically dating) and 7 years later I'm married to a guy I met in one of those groups and we have 2 children. I've been incredibly lucky and I am so grateful for that, but I just wanted to reassure you that it is possible with an open mindset

I think people take fertility for granted, I know I did. At 31 I was actually married and I came off the pill to actively start trying. Time went on and nothing. My periods just wouldn't come back.

Fast forward several years and 2 laparoscopies later I sat in a gynae office being told at 36 that I'd never have children naturally. I had absolutely no idea that I was riddled with endometriosis until I started trying.

Slight extreme case I know but you never know what's around the corner. We did have to do IVF with a 10% chance of even getting an egg but it was successful so I feel blessed.

I would actively date, join loads of clubs related to your interests and just put yourself out there. You never know Mr right will appear out of nowhere 🙂

All the best!