Is my marriage worth fighting for?

[Neuroticmillenial]

I have a toddler and child with sen.

Was told the other day it’s not that I don’t have time to do my makeup everyday (which is what I said), it’s that I don’t use my time wisely enough as he has managed to cook a chicken dinner whilst looking after both of them 🤔

I asked him why he won’t take the kids out to give me a rest, and he replied that I should take the kids out to give him a rest as, after all, he works Mon-Fri. Just fyi I’m currently not working but I have always worked and for the most part, working was easier than the summer holidays.

I replied that there are men who work twice the hours and still take the kids out. He replied that there are women with twice as many children who don’t whinge about it like I do. I asked him not to speak to me for the rest of the week and he repeatedly called me pathetic. I told him it was the end of our marriage.

He has non stopped apologised, offered to take the kids out, done lots of housework.

On a serious note, I’m so hurt. I felt like an incompetent piece of sh**!

Do I take him back? Am I overreacting? And by the way, if he decides to snoop on these boards and my internet history (as hes done previously) that’s on him.

He sounds like an arse. A remorseful arse at that.

Do you love him, and would your life be easier with him in it or out of it?

To be completely honest I wouldn’t want to be married to a man like that. Is he ever kind to you? Does he support you? Is he respectful to you? Do you think his apology is genuine and is he capable of changing?

Aside from anything else I wouldn’t stay with a selfish and man who didn’t want to do activities with his own children.

IMO no it isn’t worth fighting for. He’s apologetic now because you’ve threatened to leave and he knows if you divorce his life will be much harder, if he wants to co-parent.

If you stay he will believe you always will and whatever changes he is making now will stop. It’s not like he’s realised he has been behaving badly. He thinks he is right but doesn’t want to separate. You will be stuck in this cycle forever because he doesn’t respect or value you

The problem is he’s shown he doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter what he does now. You know it to be true and I’m not sure there’s anything he can do to change things now. I also doubt he can keep up the nice guy/helpful act for long. I’d use this time to get organised. Are you in a position to look for work? What are your living arrangements?

I don't know. Sometimes people can say very hurtful things they don't mean in arguments when they're very stressed. He is remorseful but has he changed his behaviour?

I personally wouldn't throw a marriage away over a bad argument but it depends on the wider context of how you feel in the marriage.

I agree with the posters who ask is your life easier and happier with him in it or not? Before I got divorced I had severe depression and found that whenever I fantasised about a happier life, it involved not being with my ex. However, we was truly useless and was a drain rather than an addition to my life on the whole. I was just blinded by what we used to have and what I hoped would re-materialise, which never did and never would.

It's one thing to threaten a divorce and another to go through with it. It was unequivocally the right decision for me but it was still incredibly difficult and I don't think many posters who glibly say "leave him" have any idea of how difficult that is in practice.

Only you can decide whether you've reached that tipping point or not. But the fact that you are on a Mumsnet board about this suggests that you have moved past empty threats. If you are seriously considering the logistics of what life will look like without being married to him, and if that vision appeals to you, then that's you answer.

If I were you I would get back to work, get on an equal par with him hours wise if you can and make him step up to parenting his children for 50% of the time. If he still behaves the same, I would divorce him.

OP,he values you at the same level as kitchen appliance.
Start thinking how to get back to work asap to not to rely on him.

IMH but controversial O, no marriage is worth fighting for. If you've reached the stage of fighting for it, it's dead and you would be better off putting your efforts into what happens next.

You've shown contempt for each other here. You don't sound like a partnership and it doesn't sound like you even like each other very much. It's dead in the water.

Like @CurlewKate said, put your energy into the next stage. At the very least you'll get a break then because you can have formalises childcare arrangements.

You need to get back into working. Just because you’re female doesn’t mean you’re cut out to have the kids all the time. And that’s fine. His lack of respect is somewhat worrying and I suspect he is contrite now because he realised divorcing is financially unpalatable and 50/50 parenting ad infinitum is a lot different to making a nice dinner with 2 kids around every once in a while and feeling smug af about it.

Honestly it sounds like you two are stressed and exhausted. I have three still relatively young DC and have known my fair share of who’s more exhausted/who is doing more arguments. Are there any times when you can just sit down and be a couple (not parents) together? Chat about the day, watch some funny TV together, complain lightheartedly about this wearisome period of your life/marriage? There can be much damage done in these arguments, but also much forgiveness to be found after recognizing how low both of you are. Think long term, the toddler will grow up, you may face other issues with your other child, but maybe things will get easier. If we are not talking about abuse but tired, thus angry, arguments, I have found seeking outside help (therapy or childcare) or finding the time to see and sympathize with each other’s weaknesses is healthy during these dark and bitter moments of marriage.

I don't think either of you have been particularly great TBH

If you divorce you can't force him to see the children or have them over night - you could end up in a worse position than you are now. And you'd be expected to work too ....

Having little children is a huge strain on a marriage. Life can feel relentless. Probably even more so when sen is involved.

If this is an isolated argument that got out of hand then there can be hope. If this is his genuine perspective on maybe not.

Could you afford some childcare to get some respite? I do agree with pp, you should see if it's possible to get back to the workplace for some independence (mentally and financially).

Do you actually like eachother, as friends?

I think family life can get stressful and couples can drift apart to a point where they don't really like or respect the other very much. When you're in that head space, you lose perspective and can usually only see things from your own perspective eg how hard you work, how little sleep you get, how hard your life is and you can't see your partner's perspective. It sounds like this is where your husband is at, and perhaps yourself too?

I think if work is put in to gain that perspective back, couples can come back together. But it takes work and communication. Couples counselling can be helpful in these scenarios.

It's easy for people to tell you not to bother, but separation and divorce is bloody hard too so it's not a quick fix. Lots of sort out and navigate, financially, emotionally and practically. I'd try counselling first, even if that leads to aiding you part ways in an amicable way.

You need to get back to work.
He is lazy and selfish and you need to be prepared for doing it alone.

You're both working Mon-Fri. Him out of the house at his important man job and you looking after the kids, taking on the mental load and doing housework. Once he finishes work then parenting of the children, house jobs etc should be 50/50.

Does he speak to you like this a lot, or was this a one-off argument? Do you still like him? Only you know if there's something there that can be saved. If so, then get some counselling together, don't allow him to just say "I'll change" and expect it to be better.

Lots of food for thought here, op; for me, this quote:

'if he decides to snoop on these boards and my internet history (as hes done previously) that’s on him.'

gives me distinct Ex'd'h vibes. Mine would always throw back at me when I tried to discuss issues, love bomb me for a bit after again so I would go back to believing things would change, etc etc. But it just got worse. The fact that he's broken the trust already by snooping on you speaks huge volumes. Yes you might be able to move forward with counselling, but it seems to me his treatment of you goes deeper than the surface issue.

Everything you ask him he deflects back on to you.

He sounds very selfish and childish.

He's not likely to change.

Either accept him as he is or leave.

You both sound equally mean to each other. If you want it to work you need to both work as a team, appreciate each other and give each other breaks.