LO nan visiting

[Cindy97]

I'm looking for some advice, I don't really know where to start.

My ex partner left me at 8 months pregnant, out of the blue, quit his job and moved to Wales. I was left heartbroken and in the lurch. He's demanding paternity test, bad mouthing me to anyone that will listen, his family won't even say her name, she's just "the baby" and all I've done is justify his actions. He's neurodivergent so I'm really trying to understand where he's coming from.

My daughter is 3 weeks old now, she was in and out the NICU very poorly for a week, I was there on my own with her, I've done everything myself.

Her nan (his mum) still wants a part of her life which I've encouraged, much to her dads dismay, hes infuriated with his mum having contact. Her nan has seen her twice now but isn't allowed to let the rest of his family know.

My dilemma is, I love her nan having a part of her life, I'd never rob my daughter of contact with her family, his mum is great to me and really fighting for her son to stand up and take responsibility. BUT I struggle for days before/after seeing her, my ex plays on my mind around that time and I'm truly a mess when we've seen her because she talks about him and I can't help but ask questions. I start counselling next week to try and help. She called me last night whilst I was out for coffee and said about how she'd argued with his friend because he was mentioning that my daughter isn't her sons, my daughter is on the list of "banned subjects" whilst he's visiting his mum. I was crying in the middle of the coffee shop, then had an awful night just emotionally drained.

I don't want this to affect my daughter, whilst I'm crying I'm smiling at her and trying to calm down so she doesn't feel my upset.

We're due to see her nan tomorrow and I've been getting chest pains to the run up of the day. Is it bad to say no to the visit?

I'm just drained, what do I do?

Firstly, congrats! 💐

Second, your ex is an arsehole of the highest regard, just in case you ever forget it.

Third, as a new parent you never have to justify needing to cancel last minute. If she doesn't understand that or pushes back, she's not as supportive as you think.

Fourth, it's great you want to support their relationship! However, this doesn't need to be three times in three weeks. I think you can draw boundaries on how often is convenient for everyone, including mentioning how you're happy for the contact to continue, but you don't want to discuss X, Y, and Z. You're a new mum! This is difficult in the first place, add in postpartum stress and it's flipping impossible. You're well within your rights to not want to discuss the drama your ex is causing, with anyone!

I think you need to be very honest with her about how upsetting it is for you when she talks about your ex and the wider family dynamic

If she is a decent person then hopefully this will make future visits much easier for all of you

If she doesn't change her behaviour after you've spoken to her then I would reduce the frequency of her visits

Absolutely fine to call it off. You need to put yourself and your daughter first. There will be time later on IF you decide you want them to have a relationship. I would be honest. Say it’s too difficult at the moment and you need some space. Then block her for now. You will be feeling very vulnerable at the moment after giving birth and everything you have been dealing with - look after yourself. Do you have any support from your own family?

Don't make any big decisions atm, your hormones are all over the place. You likely won't feel so distraught over the issue in a years time. My son is nearly 16 now and I can go 3-4 years without even thinking of his absent father's name. Let the dust settle and leave the really tough decisions until later.

Tell his mum what you've said here and ask her not to talk about him to you. She sounds very supportive so she should understand. Also she will want to see her grandchild so will likeky sccept your boundaries in order to do so. Try not to let your baby's appalling father come between you and another woman who could be a huge support to you and a positive part of your and your DDs life.

My ex hasn't been in my daughter's life for 14 years. She has always had good contact with my daughter's aunt (his sister) and the grandparents.

Ground rule is they don't talk about her dad, to me or to her.

Yes she had questions when she was young but she hasn't asked about him in many years.

The point is you are doing this for your DC, ring fence that. Don't engage in the wider conversation for your own sanity.

I think you need to be honest with you exes Mum. You are full of hormones, gave birth 3 weeks ago and have a lot of emotional stress. I would make sure the paternity test is completed as quickly as possible. The quicker the result comes back, the quicker your ex will see that he is her Father. Do you think that perhaps he doesn't want to be a Father, and is clutching at straws?! Regardless if he wants to be a Father or not, your daughter is biologically his, and he is responsible for maintenance. If he chooses not to participate in her life, that's his choice and something you can't control. However, it doesn't mean his Mum can't play a role in your daughter's life. That's equally her choice to decide if she wishes to, and you are not stopping that contact. Be honest with her, tell her how upset and anxious you are. If she's a decent person, she will understand. If she kicks off, then she was never seeing your daughter for the right reasons.

Hes needs to be on your list of banned things to talk about if she wants contact, it's as simple as that.

You're full of hormones atm! Tell his mum how it's making you feel but make it clear you very much want her part of babies life!

As the GM of a child who my son has no relationship with (I don't speak to him fwiw) I now have a very good relationship with my grandson's mother and see him regularly and she knows she can turn to me for help if she needs to, and she does. But I'm happy to help :)

Thanks everyone. I struggle to enforce boundaries generally but think I definitely need a break from her visits just whilst it's all up in the air.

I wouldn't cut her off.
Poor daughters got a horrible father, it's good that her grandmother wants to see her.
Think of your daughter.
There must be loads of things you can talk about other than her son.