My mother borderline personality disorder and visiting

[Amumslife85]

New here. Just wonder if I'm wrong. My mum, 62 major issues mental and physical ailments. partner lives with her very very strained. He resents her since shes become unwell. My sister cut her off 2 years ago with no explanation also resulting in my mum not seeing g her children, this has caused my mum drastically to fall Into further depression, she doesn't go out or have friends anymore she basically hates ppl.i asked my sister to give my mum some clarity as she simply cant get over it but nothing . My mum lives in the past , Then there's me. I am in my late 30s. Have combined adhd 2 little ones 8 and 7. Youngest also has adhd. Single mum but co parent (so I do get a break and support ) I have 3 days child free , I work 2 of those days. I see my nan one day a week and my mum one day a week.weekends are full of kids hobbies and activities,. Just finished a degree trying to figure my life out. The guilt I feel because my mum has no one is something else. She knows that the day we have each week is our day any jobs she needs doing I do for her. Sje always wants extra visits in between because shes lonely. We live in different cities but I do work in her city 2 evenings a week. Once I've dropped kids at school I go to her and I stay up until I need to leave for pick up. Because she has no one she can be quite overwhelming, I'm struggling dealing with her being unwell and since my sisters decided she doesn't want to deal with her anymore I feel Its all on me.i take the kids evry other weekend for a visit too. Amongst her issues is borderline personality disorder and at times she can be quite childlike. Petulant almost. I find it so so hard to handle I've been trying to get her a social worker because she self harms too but as some of you may know it's a battle to be heard. Should I be doing more ? I feel like the one day a week is all I have to give as it is extremely exhausting , I love her dearly and as a person I am very empathetic and try so hard to keep her motivated. Am still hoping she will snap back to my old mum but I think this is it now. Sorry for the long ramble I just needed to get it out there. Shes progressively gotten worse over the last 3 years. She is also very critical. She did her best to raise us and was ways loving and caring and busy so it's hard seeing her like this. Anyway any words of wisdom will be appreciated of u made it this far x

Guilt is the most pointless emotion.
It achieves absolutely nothing.

You are doing what you can with the available time you have.

I am a lone parent and work full time so I never over commit, feel guilty etc because I have a lot of other priorities.

You sound lovely but try not to feel like have boundaries is an issue, it really isn't. It's important.

Also, don't turn your relationship with your mum round the wrong way. She is not a child, you are not her parent.

Thank you for replying, your right guilt is pointless, I must tell myself a million times. I'm going to really work on this it weighs heavy. I'm just trying to make a life for myself and babies. I get angry sometimes that she cannot see this. Or am guessing she does but she doesn't care. It's always 'who helped me when I was in my own" etc.. thank you again x

My mum also has borderline personality disorder and I recognise all the feelings you've written here. It is very common to end up parenting your BPD parent. Someone with borderline personality disorder stops developing emotionally at a young age (which is why she behaves like a petulant child sometimes!).

You are already doing enough. I know she feels like your responsibility because she has nobody else, but for your own sanity, I think you need to set clear boundaries with her. She will keep asking more and more of you and it will never be enough. I get on far better with my mum now that I see her less.

I am the same as you, a very empathetic person. I never want to upset anyone or make anyone feel like I don't care about them. I also feel like my mum isn't a horrible person and doesn't treat anyone badly on purpose, so I justify her behaviour. Multiple times she's done something to upset me and I spend the whole time trying to comfort HER so she doesn't feel bad about it. It's so weird. It's the parenting the parent thing again.

Just be kind to yourself. It is tough being a child of a borderline parent. It is very emotionally draining and does come with a lot of guilt when we have done nothing wrong. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

She doesn't have no one. She has you and you're giving her a lot. You don't need to be doing more, you are giving her plenty. If she needs more then maybe you can help her look into getting a cleaner or companion.

Stick to your boundaries. You can only give what's in your capacity to give and you need to look after yourself too. You don't exist just to serve her.

My mum also has BPD. She is in her late 80s. She moved far away with her DH (now deceased) many years ago. This is a 7 hour drive from me. My only sibling lives in the far east.

Just let the guilt go. You are doing as much as you can. If your mum will not seek treatment or do anything to help herself, there is little you can do.

I am constantly being guilted. I manage to compartmentalise my life, so I am not thinking about her constantly. I had counselling a few years ago as she was goading me constantly and I felt suicidal. That really helped. Maybe consider that? I did a self referral through my GP.

Thank you all so much I could cry with relief no one around me can relate and I just didn't know how I should be dealing with this. I appreciate every one of you.