To ask is this just life or do others constantly struggle?

[Newone123456]

Hi,
I'm in my 40s, work FT two children at primary, husband works long hours. Husband helps as much as possible when at home. I am run ragged and constantly exhausted. Money is tight, but manage to have a cleaner, have someone help with ironing. I WFH two days a week and I just curl up in my bed and do what I can on my computer. I don't want to get out my bed and just stay there. I don't want to see people, don't look forward to events or anything. Can't be bothered with myself. I've been on antidepressants for years and feel the dose is right. I've had therapy and CBT previously but this hasn't helped at all. Am I even depressed or is it just life, hectic life.
I feel guilty feeling bad as I know people are much worse off.
I'm so deep a hole, I have no energy to climb back out.
So others feel like this, is this just normal daily hectic life?

I won't be the first person to say this, but what about HRT?

I was exhausted and had no interest in anything since my early 40s. Started HRT at 44, though should have been 41 looking back. It's changed my life for the better.

I dance around the kitchen now. When for many years that sort of thing just stopped.

Hi Op, I do think you should share this with your gp, it may be that something needs to change in relation to the depression.
it’s this stands out to me ‘I don't want to get out my bed and just stay there. I don't want to see people, don't look forward to events or anything. Can't be bothered with myself’. I think it’s very typical to need rest, however not looking forward to ‘anything’ doesn’t sound healthy to me.

As an aside, is the ironing a priority for your family? Or could you ask the cleaner to help with other tasks so the house feels lovely for you to enjoy on your wfh days? It may be that ironing does that for you?

do you do anything for yourself, Exercise, walks, Nice coffees etc?

I could have written this. I started HRT a few months ago and it has helped about 50% but I still can’t be arsed with things like I used to, even the prospect of going on holiday doesn’t bring me excitement as it just feels like another load of chores and admin to do before and after. I think to a degree it’s just a very busy time of life where you’re giving everything to everyone except yourself, and you get burnt out. But definitely consider perimenopause as a contributing factor.

Have you had your thyroid checked recently?

Thanks everyone. I've made a doctor's appointment but I only had one a few months ago and had blood tests and wasn't shown to be pre-menopausal. They just want to up my antidepressants but that doesn't and won't make me feel better. They just numb things and like I said not sure I should even be on them.
I wish I could care about myself. I make sure the kids have everything and are happy. At least I'm a good mum and the that's main thing.

I think you know this is not everyone’s experience or you wouldn’t post.

You sound like me when I was depressed. CBT etc was useless. Nothing worked for me except increasing my medication dose and now I’m generally very functional and content on 100mg of sertraline.

I know you say you think your dose is right, but you are still depressed so it may not be. Or you may need a different type of medication. Absolutely speak to your GP.

Sorry, cross-post. Personally I found citalopram made me feel really numb but on Sertraline I am actively happy a lot of the time. I think it’s worth exploring different medication options because it’s possible the one you’re on just isn’t right for you

Did they test your vitamin D levels at all. Are you feeling tired and run down as well?

I was so tired and run down and just wanted to sleep all the time when I was vitamin D defficent. Its very common in the UK as we just don't get enough sun here.

Maybe try taking a D3 supplement anyway as we are all supposed to take one and see if it helps.

My levels where low again last time they tested so I'm taking 3,000iu a day. If your actually defficent you need 10,000iu a day. But you could take the same dose as me to not over do it and see if it helps after a few months.

If you're over a certain age (I can't remember if it's 40 or 45) then they should diagnose peri-menopause based on symptoms not blood tests, but even if you're in the lower end of that age band they should take you seriously over the age of 40. I would definitely go back and talk to the HRT specialist at your practice, particularly if you're already on anti-depressants.

Loss of joy was a bit of an issue for me - and then lack of motivation to find the joy.

Getting out in fresh air helped me. It wasn't magic, but just taking 10 minutes at first to go for a walk each working day meant I was away from my desk and could give my brain a pause. I didn't make myself do anything or feel or think anything. And I told myself that really, people go for a long toilet break or coffee break at work that takes longer than that walk.

Then I made a playlist on Spotify of the songs that made me happy. I listened to it when I was on the walk, or making a cup or tea. A tiny bit of joy that sometimes I just listened to for a couple of songs.

Making sure I get dressed every morning and make the bed (well, put the duvet and pillows in place) as a message to myself that I am Doing Something and not Avoiding Everything.

Otherwise, HRT has helped me find myself again. I didn't get a blood test, the GP listened to my list of symptoms.

Exercise - I do 20 minutes each day at 7am. I don't give myself a choice to debate if I do it or not, consistency is better than relying on motivation to want to do this.

But life is hectic. It's the busy point, getting kids to school, keep the house from being a midden, work and trying to fit everything in. It is hard and tiring. But tiny moments of joy can help break up the tedium and hard grind.

It is worth speaking to your doctor again though, maybe your anti depressant level needs increased or altered, maybe you are low on vitB or iron, maybe HRT could help. But the key is you don't need to try and solve that on your own.

Microdosing

But really there is nothing wrong with you it sounds like a perfectly healthy response to anti human conditions

OP many of us are or have been where you are.

I second exploring HRT - but I’d also say that the antidepressants really don’t see right. The dosage many not be giving you the negative side effects you expect, but they clearly aren’t working. I’d also say that if you feel numb and dissociated from life that can be a side effect of the drugs (sertraline made me feel like a fricking zombie. I was just existing on it).

I would ask for a referral to the community mental health team (You may even be able to self refer) as they can offer all sorts of access to different programmes and review your medication. GPs really are not expert at treating or prescribing for depression at all. No criticsim, but they aren’t. I also don’t get on with CBT (am ADHD and the Community Mental Health Team commented that it’s pointless referring patients with ADHD for CBT as it rarely works well, so we are exploring other avenues).

Sending a hug. Things can and will get better - but you need to speak to someone better able to support you. Good luck.

Very good.
I felt this was life since I looked at other adults as a kid, avoided most challenges (children, work), but I still feel tired and joyless. Not depressed, though, just cannot be arsed sometimes.😁

Blood tests for HRT aren’t very accurate unless they test at many times during your cycle, any decent doctor knows that. Go back and ask for HRT patches or insist they test all the way through your cycle (they won’t).

I am a bit concerned when people suggest medication without looking at whether what you really need is long term lifestyle changes.

Anti depressants can help if you are struggling but you also need to address the root causes.

Maybe you need to accept that you can't carry on to try to do it all and look at reducing your work hours and also discuss how your partner can take more of a share of childcare and home admin.

I am a strong believer that there is only so much you can reasonably do in life and we need to stop thinking that we just need to keep pushing ourselves until the inevitable burnout...

A lot of women with ADHD are misdiagnosed with depression - might be worth exploring as your symptoms sound very similar to mine.

Are you on the right anti depressants? I was on the highest dose of sertraline and was still miserable daily, changed to citalopram lowest dose and it felt like a dark cloud disappeared, worth considering?

I’m curious as to why you don’t think you should be on the antidepressants? Because it does sound like you should and that perhaps an adjustment of your dose might help.

You do have a heck of a lot in your plate. Are you getting enough sleep?