Is this a bit of a red flag? Should I say something?

[2Magpies24]

This is an AIBU to be a bit worried about this....

Took DD (8) and a small group of friends trampolining for her birthday and pizza after.

One friend (less call her Amy) is a dear little girl, she is. mature, polite, helpful, and absolutely tiny... sorry to be blunt but thin. Protruding bones, quite pale, gaunt and fragile looking. I've never really given this much thought before, just assumed it was her metabolism and build. Everyone is different.

Her family are lovely, high flyers, hard workers, very friendly and kind.

But some of the things she said on the day really worried me. When we went for pizza she seemed to get overwhelmed, I ordered pizza for everyone to share and she just had a few bits from the salad bar, refusing pizza but looking quite sad about it. I ordered chips for everyone to share, and she said" I'd love some chips but I cant because of the bad fats and I'm laying off carbs" (she's 7!), then came the ice cream, you could tell she was so conflicted... she really wanted one but became very nervous and jittery about it. I told her I'd be really happy to buy her one, which I did and she enjoyed it, but afterwards tearfully asked me not to tell her Dad. She seemed panic stricken he'd find out.

I haven't told anyone about this but it's really not sitting well. Should I have a confidential chat with the school? I really don't want to talk to her parents about it as it could come across a bit accusatory.

It could be nothing, just a phase she is going through, she does have a sister a few years older so could be copying her. I just don't know.

Any advice please?

I'd definitely have a word with the school because no 7 year old should be worried to eat normal foods and then ask you to keep it secret from her dad. Hopefully the school are already aware but if not they can at least start looking to see what she's eating at school and get her flagged to the safeguarding lead. How awful for the little girl

I also would mention it to the school. She’s growing! Poor little girl.

YANBU, speak to the school

Sounds like she is picking this up at home, presumably if she had bad reactions to the food her parents would have told you, or come to supervise?

Oh that's awful, poor little girl. That breaks my heart. Yes I would have a word with school.

My daughter once told me her friend said she didn't eat at home.

It was likely because the friend wanted to share chocolate my daughter had, which they did.

I told the school, just on the off chance.

So yeah, I'd say definitely contact the school in this instance.

Many years ago, I taught a little girl who was being fostered/ adopted by a couple who had very fixed views on most things.

She wasn’t allowed a school dinner, so they gave her a packed lunch that was so meagre she took food from other lunch boxes. Then she was made to go home for lunch each day.

The child was always hungry and she very nearly got into a random stranger’s car because he offered her sweets.

So yes, I’d ask the school to keep an eye out.

Your school should have a safeguarding lead. Ask for a confidential meeting with them and tell them what you've said here. It may well be nothing, but it may well be something. You cannot do anything else - for a start, you don't know anything beyond this one interaction. But the school can take your feedback, look at the child and perhaps how she is at school, and then, if necessary, take it further.

We did this with a child who told DS he had suicidal thought. it was not clear to us if it was a silly joke or a serious conversation. And i made that clear to the safeguarding lead. She agreed that as we could not know, it was right to report it.

No normal 7 year old cares about fats or carbs. It sounds like her mother has an healthy relationship with food and is passing her food issues on to her daughter.

Or her father, given she was afraid to tell him about the ice cream. Or dad is controlling/abusive.

I missed that bit about th3 father. Yes, equally possible it’s him.

You need to tell the school as she may be anorexic and her parents haven’t picked up on it as they see her all the time. Young children can’t last long without good nutrition so please raise this with the school safeguarding lead or social services.

Thanks very much for all your replies. I will ask the school for a chat. I have been thinking about this a lot and couldn't be sure I wasn't blowing it up in my head, but you've all helped clarify. Will call them now.

She may well be modelling someone in her families behaviour but eating disorders generally spring from anxiety issues, so it’s a tricky one but hopefully the safeguarding lead can do something with that info.

OP, this is how it began with my step daughter, at around the same age. Secrecy around food is NEVER normal, even if she is talking about it in terms of her own parents. My own SD would skip many, many meals and then gorge on a share-size bags of chocolate... and then weep and pick aggressively at the skin on her fingers and lips re: her mum finding out. Her mum is slim, does not have an eating disorder but is very, very against fat people. I am overweight and my SD became fixated on not becoming fat like me. (Because she was living half of the time in my house and eating food I purchased / prepared.)

It came to a head when she had fixed braces put on her teeth. It became easier and easier for her to say she "couldn't" eat something and then it turned into a full blown eating disorder.

I am well aware that I played an active role in her eating disorder by being overweight so please don't all pile on me for fucking up my step daughter's life. I'm not wicked. I have lost 2.5 stone and I'm still going. I don't ever want this to happen again and I don't want to have any effect on my own children or any other children I ever have a relationship with.

I wish I had been better sooner and I wish I could have stopped it because it has left a permanent scar on my family and all our health. Please do speak to her school!!

I suppose it is possible that one or both her parents are very very fat phobic to the extent they’re always telling her “you mustn’t have that because it will make you fat” sp she’s terrified to eat anything, poor little thing.

The fact that she was worried about what her dad would say if he found out she'd had an ice cream would definitely prompt me to say something to the school. Little kids can easily pick up things about weight and diet just by hearing other people talking about it, even if their parents reassure them - but the fact that she actually said her dad would be cross if she had an ice cream suggests to me that there's something more going on here than just a kid who has heard other people talking about being on a diet. That sounds like her parents (or her dad at least) are actively restricting her eating in a really rigid way.

Glad you are calling the school. I’m all for healthy eating but at a party (and after trampolining) a 7 year old should enjoy pizza chips and Ice cream without a second thought, or worry about her parents finding out

That sounds awful and nobody in their right mind would say it’s your fault

Glad to see the OP is going to call the school. This isn’t just a red flag, it’s a flash red neon sign!

So sorry this happened to your family - but absolutely not your fault ❤️

I also think you are doing the right thing OP. Poor child 😢 At 7 they shouldn’t have to care about food and should be enjoying a party.

Yes please tell ten school.

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit a family member being overweight is NOT "playing an active role" in an eating disorder. That's simply not true.

I'm glad you were there to help her.

Bloody hell OP. At 7 she should be enjoying the party, pizza and ice cream not asking you to keep secrets .

I'm glad you are contacting the school.

Parents are idiots and abusive. I’d go to child line or social work - child line were brilliant when I had to report something similar they dealt with everything.

thank you for caring about her. Trust your instincts that’s why you have them