Getting depressed DH to move

[HouseMoveHopeful]

Long story, DH is depressed and has been for years. He’s on tablets but not doing much else, despite my strong urging him to do therapy (I believe he has a kind of PTSD from a very spiritually abusive church we used to be in).

We don’t live in a great area, the primaries are decent but the secondaries are literally crumbling and whilst teaching seems ok they don’t seem particularly academic. Theres clear drug dealing going on on the estate we live in in broad daylight.

My parents have offered us a pretty much life changing sum - early inheritance - to move to a nicer town with a great school. My DC is. very academic, loves school, and I feel will flourish best in an environment that pushes that more.

But DH is dragging his feet on house move - to the point I’m worried if we don’t get on with it we will miss application deadline (next autumn). He says he can’t cope, but I’m honestly beginning to feel very resentful that he could be blocking a better future for us and DC. I suspect he’s on the ASD spectrum, he is very fearful of change and very linear in his thinking which is probably playing into it.

AIBU to push ahead and say we have to do this even if it means I have to do 90% of the legwork?

He sounds like a right drain, push ahead.

My parents have offered us a pretty much life changing sum - early inheritance - to move to a nicer town with a great school.
A specific town and school, that they have chosen? Are they in the church you mentioned?

You have to think of your children and so does your husband. If you are being given the opportunity to move to a better area, which will be good for all the family and on top of that a much better school for your children, it's a no-brainer. Unfortunately, for this to happen, yes you may need to take on the greater responsibility, in order for it to happen. Try breaking the move down into smaller chunks, so that your husband can get used to the first stage. Moving, on top of a new area, as a whole package, would be difficult for someone on the Spectrum to cope with. Breaking it down into bite sized chunks might help. If you suspect he is on the Spectrum, look online to see if there is a way to help him cope better.

No, the money is specifically for us to move near to a better school, but they don’t mind which school - they trust our judgement on which school is better for DC.

No they aren’t part of the Church we used to go to. They are Church goers but were aghast at what we went through. I feel moving will also help us completely cut off from abusive Church. We now go to a very normal Anglican Church in a different town.

Thanks - yes breaking it down is good advice. I’m convinced he’s on the spectrum, but I won’t go into full details of why here. I suspect DC are too, but I’ve learnt so far how to manage them and talk them through stuff.

He either goes with you or stays behind on his own, you need to decide which is more important. Your childs future or your marriage.

I suspect you will have to push everything through and he will just have to follow.
In some ways it may make things easier, if he is not engaged you make all the decisions without waiting for him.

Absolutely push ahead. School application deadlines wait for no man.

Plus, sorry to raise it, but this offer from your parents might not be around forever. One of your parents might die and the other re-marry, or need care.

Take the reins and move for you and your child.

If he isn’t going with you, and there is the possibility of divorce, take legal advice about the new house you will buy and how you could maybe ring fence it.

I really hope it won’t come to that, but yes I plan on making sure I can protect my inheritance

Jeepers Creepers... your DC is the MOST important thing you will ever have in your life!!! it's like being offered a parachute in a plane that's going down... you'ld be insane (and selfish) not to take advantage (albeit i appreciate the familial stress this might cause...)

I suspect you will resent DH for a very long time if you lose the opportunity due to listening to him. It's an ideal offer- take it. What DH does with that knowledge is down to him.

YANBU. Aim to basically do all the work because it doesn't sound like he can cope with it. And do NOT buy a fixer upper. Compromise on space rather than buying somewhere that needs work.

A couple of options to reduce barriers for him. You could look to renting for a while before you buy, which is more expensive but might be easier for him to process, and/or you could suggest a "break clause" where you promise to move back to current area when the youngest is 18, if DH wants to at that point. He almost certainly won't want to by then, but knowing he has an "out" sometimes makes all the difference.

I think your response to "I can't cope" needs to be that's ok, you don't have to, I will handle it, but please let me do this for the kids. Very difficult I know. People will say you don't need to ask his permission, and that's true, but from the perspective of an autistic burnout resulting in PDA kind of vibe family, I would strongly suggest that you will get further with "would you let me do this for the kids?" than "I am doing this whether you like it or not."

I really sympathise with the situation OP finds herself in but I think your reply smacks of a real lack of understanding about mental illness.
There seems to be a section of posters on MN that are very derogatory about men with mental illness. Yes there are obviously a lot of threads where the man in question has undiagnosed " depression" and it seems that he is using his mental health to excuse his behaviour / manipulate his partner. But in OP's case her DH has a long term diagnosed illness that he receives treatment for and which stems from a very real cause. So I think just to dismiss him as being " a drain" is really unkind and is typical of some people's lack of empathy with mental illness.

I'd crack on and get your parents to do some leg work checking out houses in their area so you can narrow down the number of viewings. Even, pick the house yourself so he doesnt have to do viewings and make decisions. Don't chat to your DH too much about it all. Keep very calm when speaking to him and only tell him the bare facts and use quite anondyne statements. Just organise it all if you can and then tell him the timescale. If you can afford it wait until the move to sell your own place so he doesn't have to cope with tidying and being absent for viewings. If not, then restrict viewings to certain days and blocks of time and plan a nice trip such as country walk then or whatever he might still enjoy somewhat.

You need to put your children's needs and your own MH first and then you will be best placed to help your DH with his. Despite not wanting the change, you may find once in the new place that it also really helps him. If he's not getting betterw here you are then you and your parents are right to seek to change things

Thank you so much - this is really good advice

I agree with PP that renting first might be a good first step, as it would put you in a good position when it came to buying and would also help him get used to the idea.

Agreed. Marriage vows of “in sickness and in health” are there for a reason.

Obviously no one should stay in an abusive relationship - but one shouldn’t drop someone just because they are working through mental health issues. DH stood by me when I went through health issues in the past.