To let 3 year old sleep in our bed

[ToddlerSleep]

In the past 3 nights, DS3 has come into our bed twice. The first time at 4am and the second time at 2am. DS says he is scared despite having a night light on.

The first time DH went into the spare bedroom as DS was awake long and neither of us could sleep. The second time (last night) he stayed but said he kept being woken up by DS' sniffles etc.

DH is angry this morning that this is "constantly happening" and is "becoming a habit" and insists that either he or I take him back to his own bed. I'm saying he's 3, he's scared and if he needs comfort then that's fine as DS will grow out of it and it could just be a phase. DS5 was worse for this at that age but fine now, but DH doesn't remember that. DH is upset that I am not supporting him in this matter and I have now had to agree that if it happens again tomorrow morning that I will take DS back to his bed. DH would do it but it would upset DS3 even more as DS3 prefers me at the moment.

AIBU to say DS3 should stay?

YANBU for comforting your small child! People will tell you you’re making a rod for your own back etc etc.. but I’d rather a comforted child than care about what others said!

I think scared children shouldn't be forced to be alone, and if it really is just occasional then just let them sleep in your bed, especially if you have a spare room one of you can escape to.
If it does start becoming an every night habit you can start working on ways to get him to stay in bed or go back to his own bed.
Also 4am is a killer if they take an hour to settle back down then by the time you're back to sleep it's nearly time to get up again which isn't ideal for work and school so occasionally letting him just jump in with you at least gives everyone some sleep

I'm not surprised your child prefers you!

Your husband is being an ass

This. Too much focus on where modern western society believes a child should sleep rather than what’s best for the child.

Your husband is being a complete dick. Faced with such unpleasantness I'd take ds back to his bed and get in with him.

Our kids were allowed to get in with us whenever they wanted. For a while we had a single bed alongside our bed to cope with extra bodies. If dh couldn't sleep he'd go and get into an empty bed.

Yes let him sleep in your bed.
DS slept in with me until he was 3. Then we started putting him down in his own bed, staying with him until he fell asleep but he would still get in with us in the night when he woke up.
Until eventually he stopped, then we stopped staying with him until he fell asleep. We didn’t make a rod for our own backs as he is an excellent sleeper, rarely gets out of bed now unless he is ill or for the occasional nightmare. 3 is so young still.

Both of mine often came into my bed well into infant school. They're 10 and 8 now and still sometimes do. They're kids, sometimes they need a cuddle off mum. And they definitely did when they were three! Your husband is being very unreasonable.

He’s a tiny child - barely older than a toddler! What is your DH thinking?

No you shouldn’t have to force your tiny, frightened child to sleep alone whilst you two are snuggled up together. You’ll have plenty of years for peaceful sleeping with no child in the bed - if you choose to stay together with someone who resents your child, as it’s so deeply unattractive.

It won’t create a habit forever! A habit of seeking comfort from his parents? How awful! 🙄

What’s so bad about having to shift to the spare room sometimes if DS disturbs him, anyway? That’s the cushy side of the deal!

I think both personally – my bed is for me and DH and it’s not for our children. DH and I would always take them back to their rooms – we would, however, stay with them until they either felt ok at being left or fell asleep. For me there’s nothing worse than trying to sleep with a child in bed with you.

Just take him into bed and cuddle him. They grow up so quick. I wish I could have my time with mine again

We’re doing exactly this with our 3yo. Whatever gets everyone the most sleep! And honestly we enjoy the cuddles. What’s your H suggesting to keep him in his own bed? Because ours takes an hour+ to settle and then wakes again as soon as we try to leave. It’s not worth the lack of sleep for something that will happen naturally, eventually.

@AtLeastThreeDrinks that's exactly what I would expect DS3 to do, no one would get any sleep as I expect DS3 would be crying, finally settle, then wake up as soon as I leave the room.

DH just told me that he spoke to DS3 and he said he'd been scared of a monster. DH has agreed he can come into our bed if he is scared.

DS5 was like this too but he doesn't remember it. Of course not because he went into the spare room to sleep and I got to deal with it!

Thank you all for your responses, I thought maybe I was being too soft.

I’ve always let dc in my bed. Now they’re bigger dh goes to their bed and it’s not often but if they’re sad they want to sleep with me for comfort and it’s my role as a parent to provide comfort. They’re all teens so it’s about once a year each. Or I’ll sleep in dd3’s bed because it pulls out to be kingside. Musical beds never bothered me. Thankfully dh wasn’t bothered either.