Resentment of Exs financial position because he does no childcare.

[Needtlc]

I have gone down a rabbit hole of spiralling thoughts and feeling rather resentful this evening.

Single mum to two lovely kiddos in early primary years. Working every hour between school hours. Children’s dad is only around occasionally when it suits him. Has the ability to work all the hours he wants and never a single consideration for childcare. Meanwhile I am juggling everything, completely overwhelmed and feel almost at burnout. I am panicking I am going to end up old and poor while the children’s dad has had years to save up for his future as there are no expectations on him and he completely opts out. He left after an affair, to have a child free life with his new women.

Life feels unfair. Aibu to feel completely screwed over?!

Does he not pay maintenance?

@Meatymeatytimetoeaty even if he does, unless he's a very high earner it will nowhere near recompense the OP for 50% of costs, even assuming she gets some help with childcare through UC. Factor in her loss of earning potential through limited time and flexibility available and add in her subsequent lower pension contributions and it adds up to a hell of a lot. OP I feel / have felt the same over the years. Mine are now teens and I'm gradually racking up a hefty debt to keep them in hobbies, clothing, laptops etc with no additional help other than CMS. If I could ringfence 80% of my pay just for me I'd be rolling in it.
No real advice other than you can't make him contribute more than CMS and you can't force him to parent meaningfully. The only thing you can control is how you deal with it and choose to feel about it. It's a long game for sure, but my teens are not especially close to their dad or bothered about seeing much of him. That's the "payoff" I suppose.

Yes he pays maintenance. But while he can pile away £1000s into pensions i am living £ to £ as there are not enough hours in the week to work when I have kids and all the clubs etc.

Thank you. Yes he earns well, but hides a lot of money in accounts abroad so he lives a very extravagant life. While I am struggling to ever save.

Why isn't he seeing his children more?

If he hides his money in accounts aboard ( unless he is travelling frequently and taking a suitcase of cash - and will have to answer money laundering questions there) the CMS might be able to trace it to revise his payments -particularly if he is paying additional funds into his UK bank account and transferring it. If you know this to be a fact let the CMS know.

Otherwise - as unfair as it is, not too much you can do other than look at the positive role model you are for your DC - prepared to work to provide for you as a family, taking care of your responsibilities to provide a home, and you are close to them. In the future you will be the parent with a healthy relationship with them, not their dad.

I think in your position it's normal to feel a bit resentful and screwed over, I do too.

When married I was always the higher earner. I used inheritance money to pay off his student loan ('old school' type), overdraft and credit card, and also paid £35k off our mortgage.

He then left for the OW and I had to take VR from my job and take more junior part-time role that fit around the three children (14wks, 2 and 6). I earn less now than I did 22yrs ago and he now earns mega money as he's been able to move and travel for his career without having think about the impact it would have on the DCs.

Yes it feels unfair, but he has missed out on so much over the years, so many 'firsts' with the children.

Although you are financially poorer.. you have the riches of the children spending their lives with you. You have the crown jewels of the kids love. He only has his own gluttony and self adsorption. You win.

The child maintenance system is not fit for purpose. It needs to reflect that the biggest cost of raising a child is childcare. That can be both directly and
indirectly through forced schedule modification.

You’re not unreasonable to feel this way OP, it’s absolutely disgusting that men don’t have to pay for childcare, and get to walk away from their children like this. He’ll probably be shocked later in life when the kids might decide they want nothing to do with him,

You have my sympathies but there is nothing you can do sadly.

My ex earnt over £124 K last year and my maintenance (via CMS) has just been raised to only £590 per month. Previously it was less. He does no childcare and my earnings over the last few years have been capped to accommodate childcare. Thankfully DD is now 16 so I am looking for FT work now and plan to max my earnings over the next few years.

So unfair, but you have to just plow on.

Were you married?

My friends partner screwed her over. Met a woman at work and ran off with her.

He pays no nursery fees, buys no clothes etc. my friend gets a bit of money from him through government but it’s covers hardly anything.

She is the one up in the night with the kids, the main parent.

But her kids will grow up knowing mummy was always there, where as daddy only wanted to see them once a fortnight. They will be closer to her, and will soon see how crap dad is.