Am I being paranoid about my MIL husband?

[WorriedWitch]

I’ve never posted here before but I really feel I need some help/advice. In short, I don’t trust my MIL husband around my 2yo DD. He has not been in the picture that long, my MIL met him around 5 years ago. I’ve never really liked him all that much and maybe that is distorting my views on the situation. There are a few things that he does that could be completely innocent but have just rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t often have my MIL watch my DD. Around once a month she will have her for the day while I do jobs that are just awkward to do while watching my daughter. A month ago she also had her overnight so my husband and I could have a bit of a date night as we haven’t had one since DD was born. My MIL is fantastic I should say, she’s a lovely lady and DD adores her. The things that bother me about her husband is he’s always the one saying “we can have DD if you like” which feels weird because he’s never the one looking after her, it’s always MIL, who seems to just wait for us to ask. Then recently he was saying “we can have her for the night if you want”. My husband and I do have a lot of jobs we need to get done around the home so we talked about it and then asked MIL if she could have DD overnight at the weekend and asked what days worked for her. Then her husband pipes up and suggests they have her for 2 nights Friday until Sunday?? I didn’t like the way he seemed to be trying to extend the time they have her. Anyway we agreed to one night with MIL and left. The interaction bothered me enough to talk to my husband about it and I ended up just explaining all the things MILs husband had done that kind of made his “offer” seem weird in my eyes. Firstly, he doesn’t seem that interested in DD unless it involves physical contact with her. He won’t really interact with her much, he doesn’t play with her or read to her or anything really, but then he will randomly ask her to come and sit on his lap, as soon as we start getting ready to leave he’s pestering her “do I get a kiss?”. Maybe it’s just me, but my dad, her actual grandad, doesn’t act like that and he adores DD but he always lets her come to him for cuddles etc. My husband doesn’t see what I am saying at all. He says my stepmum is always cuddling her and wanting to spend time with her and I don’t think the same about her. I don’t think it’s the same though as my Stepmum has been married to my dad since I was 1yo and is basically my mum as I have no contact with my birth mother. MILs husband just wondered onto the scene 5 years ago. I don’t really know him or anything about him before he met MIL, only that he lived in Turkey for a couple of years. Am I being paranoid? I have to admit it seemed like more things before I wrote it out… and I dont want to deprive DD of time with her grandma if I’m being unreasonable… but I just can’t shake this bad feeling.

100% trust your gut. From my own personal experience, trusting my gut about my mum’s partner very likely saved my children from being sexually abused. My gut gave me red flags from the start. It was subtle things, exactly like you described, but enough to make me uncomfortable. How is his relationship with any children or grandchildren of his own? The big red flag for me was that his own dd were NC with him (he was convicted of sexually abusing one of them). The explanation for why they were NC never quite felt right for me. Now I understand why. Our instincts are there to keep us safe. I’m very grateful now that I listened to mine.

Your dc can have a relationship with their grandma without having to have one with him.

Do a bit of cyber-stalking.

Don't be letting him kiss & cuddle DD.

I would really trust your instincts on this.

I would try and minimise his contact with your DD: no over night stays and try and make sure he is not left alone with her at any point.

I think... we have gut instincts for a reason. It might be nothing, but I would tread carefully, personally.

At the very least I'd speak to him about asking for kisses, because body boundaries are really important in general and I feel very strongly about adults doing this kind of thing to kids. Tell him that you need him to stop doing this entirely and let you lead the goodbye interaction. His reaction to this will also give you more information.

Do a Sarah's law check

I would also tell grandma that you are only comfortable with her doing the bath and bed routine and you're asking all women that care for her to keep their partners away to help your daughter learn boundaries so that IF a predator shows up she'll know it's odd for a man to be undressing her etc.

Also, there is no need at all to do overnights while she's this young and can't tell you what happened. If I were you I'd wait another year or two.

You’re not being paranoid, you’re listening to your instincts.

I would not allow MIL to have her even for a few hours if he is there.

MIL won’t be with dd every minute, there would be opportunities for abuse, however fleeting.

As others have said - trust your gut and don't be pressured into making decisions you don't want.

To play a bit of devil's advocate though, you say your MIL never really asks to take DD - its you who have to ask her. Could be that she's been saying to her husband that she wishes she could see DD more but doesn't feel like she can ask (for whatever reason), and husband is trying to instigate more contact on her behalf.

Tell him if your DD wants a kiss and a cuddle with him, she will ask him and otherwise he must not pressure her, this is the best way because it is on your DDs terms and of course there is a massive power balance between a grown man and a toddler.

Trust your instincts and communicate with him in a calm but none confrontational way to keep the situation as positive as you possibly can, this should help ease your comcerns, keep your child safe and your MIL should continue to support you with this. Remember, if he did anything to your DD, it would likely destroy their relationship so the closer they are, the less likely he would be to cross the line.

thanks for your message. Your reasoning for him asking instead of MIL does make sense and it’s basically what my husband says when I say it’s weird he’s always the one asking so I do understand what your saying and MIL definitely wouldn’t want to be pushy so it might be right.

Gut instinct is your emotion telling you what your brain can’t put into words. I always trust mine

Please trust your gut on this, and please don’t just go by the one “devil’s advocate” post amongst several saying to trust your gut. It could be the case of course but it’s really not worth the risk.

I wouldn’t send your Dd there overnight or at all without you. Could you really relax and enjoy a date night in these circumstances.

Re the kissing and cuddling absolutely step in and say “no, we’re teaching Dd she should only kiss and cuddle people when she wants to”.

Trust your gut OP. It's fucking ridiculous for your DH to suggest the situation with your step mum is the same thing. She's brought you up since you were a baby, she's effectively your mum and DD's grandmother - and (sorry to be sexist here) she's a woman. This is a strange man you're talking about. Your DH needs a head check.

Hi, thanks for your response. Oh believe me I am much more confident in going with my gut on this one now. The devils advocate may make sense, but in my mind I think it is still strange. If I said to my husband I wish I could see my son’s child more (hypothetically, my son is only 15!) there’s no way my husband would ask on my behalf because he would say it was too weird because he’s not my sons bio dad… so it’s weird whatever the reason for it…

Second this 100%

Do some digging but definitely trust your gut

Can only add to the chorus of trusting your gut. I personally wouldn’t leave her alone with MIL at all while he’s on the scene, there will be moments when he has sole access to your DD during those times, especially overnight.

Rule of thumb with your children - always trust your gut.

100% trust your instincts. Hey even if they’re wrong it’s better for someone to be slightly offended/put out than your daughter dealing with a lifetime of pain that comes with SA

I didn't even finish reading your first post op, don't leave your DD alone with him. He may be harmless (although pushing boundaries by getting your DD to be physically close to him), but if something isn't sitting right with you then it's your job to listen to your instincts and ensure your DD is safe. I wouldn't feel comfortable with his behaviour either and wouldn't leave a child in his care, especially one as young as your daughter. Sod anyone who doesn't like it, she's your child, so it's your decision.

This man would be setting off loud warning klaxons with me, too, OP. Don't ignore these instincts, nor underestimate three things. One is the lengths predators will go to - including their choice of partner - to get access to children. The second is their common MO of acting in plain sight in order to ensure plausible deniability. Third is the problem of denial: the seemingly automatic social belief that surely your avuncular colleague, entertaining uncle, or mother's seemingly pleasant partner couldn't possibly be capable of such an unspeakable thing. Your DH is unfortunately demonstrating this kind of social conditioning - and the conditioning is strong. Society is far more comfortable with the belief that women and children lie than that men abuse.

I'd also add my voice to the recommendation for a Sarah's Law check.

He has a daughter in her fourties’. Their relationship seems fine. He also has another daughter in Turkey that he has NC with.

Thank you to everyone who responded, it gave me a lot more confidence to bring it up again with my husband. We agreed that we will cancel the overnight this weekend, and hold off on arranging anymore. I feel bad, I don’t want my husband to come off as the ‘bad guy’ in this situation. He might not agree with me that there’s anything sinister going on but he does support me and want me to be comfortable and would rather be safe than sorry when it comes to our daughter. He offered to cancel the overnight when we initially spoke last night but because he didn’t see things the way I did, I thought perhaps I was over thinking small things. After speaking again, and after your input, I see that even if I am just paranoid it’s not worth the risk, and husband agrees. Thanks again x

Anything like this is just not worth the risk.

If it means you not having a date night for a few years, then so be it.
Be creative and have it at home instead.

If it means these jobs that need doing take twice as long, then so be it.

I would make the excuse that DD is getting used to sleeping at home and you don’t want to mess up her routine.

Only meet MIL when you’re there too.

If you can trust MIL then perhaps in the future ask her to stay at yours for the night instead.

You’re doing the right thing by trusting your gut.

Trust your gut.
Be aware relationship with MIL may break down if she finds out/is told of your concerns.
I don't think you should trust her alone with your DD either as you can't control if she takes her to him.

Trust your gut OP, too many women end up prioritising a man’s feelings over their children, it happened to me and I ended up being abused for years because my mum refused to see it. It’s not worth the risk.