To start withdrawing slightly from our relationship?

[Themooddip]

I'm talking about the relationship with my mum. 9 days out of 10 I'd say I have a great relationship with my mum. We're very alike and she's a brilliant grandmother to my DS.

I started to wonder if all was as ok as I thought when I went to counselling for post partum depression a couple of years ago. My mum was fed up of my moods and when I told the counsellor some of the things she would say, my counsellor said I probably shouldn't be confiding in her at all, that my mum was completely focused on how my state of mind was impacting her.

I've kept it in the back of my mind and every now and then it resurfaces. Her and my dad have been separated for over a decade now and she will still criticise him a lot, which I find uncomfortable. She knows this and will laugh when I look visibly anxious about it - ohh yeah I forgot you don't like it when I say anything about dad haha. It's particularly irritating when she talks about how amazing her current husband is in comparison.

She's also got a tendency to display a lot of FOMO. If I book a holiday, she's also got to. If we drive somewhere she likes, she gets upset we didn't invite her.

She often calls me 'so sensitive.' I think I get pulled into a false sense of security with her when we have a laugh together that when she starts acting like this, it really gets me down.

Any ideas for how to remain balanced, kind and perhaps a bit less phased about her behaviour?

Cut your visits down? If she's fine 9/10 times and you see her once a fortnight, you'll only be getting annoyed twice a year. That's not too bad.

Limit the visits
Limit the information you share
Limit the conversations she starts that you don't want as in your father, stop it straight away.

Thank you for the responses. Limiting the visits is definitely an option. Do you think it's reasonable to be upset in the first place or am I a bit sensitive? I have this constant worry that she won't be around forever but it's difficult to balance this with dealing with her behaviour and how it makes me feel.

You are not being sensitive at all, and her saying that is just her gas lighting you. Just because she is getting older does not give her a free pass on her horrible behaviour.

Would you be able to just stop the conversation when she starts on your dad. Don't respond in any way to her and if possible either walk away from her or turn your back on her.

Huge hugs

When she laughs and says, 'Oh, I forgot you don't like it when I say anything about your dad', you say, 'Of course I don't like to hear you criticise my own dad. You didn't forget. It's unkind, and I'd like you to keep your thoughts to yourself when I'm around, in future.' Honestly, the fact she laughs when she says this means she is getting off on making you feel uncomfortable.

'I'm not too sensitive. Perhaps you could consider how your actions/words come across, stop belittling me, and not blame me for my reaction to your action.'

'Mum, I don't appreciate the guilt trip for having a life outside of you.'

On the face of it, the behaviours you describe all sound like little things, but I had a mother like this (except almost all of our communication was like this - little in the way of positive experiences), and it really grinds you down. Your mother has some narcissistic traits; blame-shifting, purposefully behaving in a way that will cause a reaction from you, belittling you, and controlling you - giving you a hard time for doing things without her (so that you'll invite her, next time, to avoid the guilt trip). And then all the 'nice times' are to reel you back in so you maintain contact with her. It's very manipulative. She won't change. Even if you try to discuss her behaviour, nothing will change - she'll turn it back on you for being too sensitive.
I went no contact with mine, and my life is so much better for it, not having someone making me feel inferior all the time.
You could try saying the things above, but it's unlikely to stop her. If it doesn't, I'd be inclined to simply get up and leave/end our meeting, the next time she does it, and start limiting contact.

ohh yeah I forgot you don't like it when I say anything about dad haha

Well, mum, he’s the man you chose to reproduce with to have me, so thanks to you he’s half my DNA. Perhaps you can remember and respect that.

I would decide what your red lines are and protect them every time she crosses them, in a calm and rational way. Consistency is key. If she refuses to pay them any regard, then consider cutting down the time you spend together. The mother/daughter relationship is emotive but try to stick with the facts around the present issue and don't let her draw you into an argument. Simply say "please don't criticise my dad to me." If she complains you are too sensitive, just repeat it one more time and change the subject. She will either accept it and desist or she won't. She has then made the final call. I think the important thing to realise is that we can't control whether someone does something or not but we can communicate our lines, protect them and ultimately let the other person decide if they can live with them. It will be hard at first, but you have to be persistent and don't have too many red lines! Pick your battles!

I think a good response for the "you're too sensitive" comments is a pointed question. "Am I too sensitive or are you being insensitive?"

However, it sounds like you have a dynamic where she says what she wants and you concede. She's the all powerful parent and you're the powerless child. Once you start standing up for yourself and pushing back it will change.

Not necessarily for the better, she probably won't like it, but your self esteem will benefit.

Depends unfortunately. I'd say you are unreasonable to be upset, only because you didn't define your limits and so she doesn't know that it's not okay, but at the same point, no your not to sensitive. If you had defined your limits then you would be resonable to be upset.

how often do you see one another?

It sounds like the two of you are in competition with one another

Yes it's reasonable, her comments have worked haven't they, you are doubting yourself, she gets to say what she wants, clever mummy.

If you are upset you are upset - your upset doesn't have to be reasonable to others it's your feelings not theirs.

Yes she won't be around forever, and when she isn't how nice it will be not to have a nasty woman who is horrible and tries to upset you.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's your friend. As the saying goes, you can't choose family. If a friend was this mean, passive-aggressive and downright jealous of your life (seriously, she has fomo?!) would you still be friends or would you be limiting contact?
She is manipulating you and having fun with it. If she's so forgetful of your boundaries re your dad maybe she is getting Alzheimer's (and thats a normal boundary tbh, most kids of split families have that). I'd be suggesting that to her if she ever "forgets" again.
She doesn't want a mother-daughter relationship, she is all about herself. You are not being too sensitive. She is being too nasty.

As you can get on well most of the time and you’re mindful that she won’t be around forever, it boils down to finding a way of getting her to stop annoying you.

The FOMO is her problem really. Just shrug it off. It’s not as if she’s asking to join you on your holiday, she’s just spending money on something she might not really want other than FOMO. Stupid but her choice.

The criticism of your dad is something else. When she laughs and says you are too sensitive, just say, “Maybe, but you are obsessive about a man you haven’t had a relationship with for over ten years. Why is that? Are you not happy with the life you have now?”

She probably won’t like that and then would be a good time to say that it’s a topic to avoid in future and if she brings him up again you will change the subject or leave. And you’ll keep doing that until she stops talking about him to you.