Found out narcissist Ex lied, should I confront him?

[Vee2024]

It’s starting to sink in that I was married to a narcissist, I always knew there was something wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. I used to think maybe it was the way I said things to him.

We are in the middle of a divorce and sorting out arrangements for him to see the children, I just found out that he lied about booking something he said he’s done months ago. And he ignores me when I ask him about his solicitor details or other important things.

The thing he was meant to book is important and related to our children, and I just want to confront him about it. I’m conflicted because from experience I know he will just deny it or get defensive and gaslight me, but I really want to let him know that I’m not stupid!

No point
He will deny
You will feel frustrated. Do not waste your energy

No. Grey rock always.

No. Because it will suck your precious energy and you will gain nothing from it. Just assume he didn't do it and sort it out yourself. If it is something that will upset the children, I think I'd be honest and direct with them: Dad promised he had done it but it turns out he didn't. Unfortunately dad is not always reliable when it comes to promises, so in future we will always double-check ourselves if it is something important that you don't want to miss.

This will pave the way for them to expect being let down in the future and identify his behaviour not live in hope that any grandiose promises will materialise.

What's the point? The thing hasn't been done and confronting him won't change that.

I'm going to tell them he hasn't booked it, but I also don't want to be honest about the way he is, because I don't want to sound like I'm talking bad about their father. The children are all under 12, and don't see him the way I do, to them he's the best dad in the world.

No point in confronting him. If he’s a narcissist it won’t make the slightest difference and he’ll just use it against you at some point in the future. He will deny it and he will gaslight you. Narcissist genuinely don’t care what you* think of them (unless they perceive you’re criticising their perfect persona or making them look bad in front of people they hold in high regard then woe betide you!).
(*you being the once ideal partner who they loved more than life itself who has served their purpose and is now the source of all their problems)

Can you book it yourself? Just tell the children the place got in touch to say something went wrong with the booking system and that unfortunately they don’t have any spaces left etc. Depending on what it is, do a day at a fancy soft play/cinema trip to make up for it.

If he is a narcissist, get used to him pulling this sort of shit. Anything he sees as important to you will be sabotaged. He won’t do anything for the benefit of the children unless it does something for him too. Narcs really aren’t good people to have children as they do not possess the ability to put anyone else’s needs above their own. That whole “everyone else comes first and we’re bottom of the list” thing that mums do? Completely foreign to them. Don’t feed the drama. Grey rock him. Anything he can turn it into a “poor me” will be used as ammunition. Any argument or disagreement he will either enjoy your reaction or he’ll use it back up his idea that he’s the victim.

Narcissists suck! Good luck OP.

It doesn’t need a confrontation. If you know he hasn’t booked it then just say “I’ve realised you didn’t actually book this, are you going to tell the DC or shall I?” If he ignores you or refuses to tell them then all you need to say is that unfortunately dad didn’t get around to arranging it or forgot, they don’t need details and you won’t be badmouthing him to them.

If he actually is a narcissist rather than an.ordinary arsehole the confronting him, the angry response, it gives him what he wants. Grey rock and minimal interactions that are completely focused on kids are the only way to survive it. If he's an arsehole he's not going to change or learn from it either so it's pointless. Factual conversation with the kids if necessary, no blame and that's it. Two of my DC see through their dad and his abuse, it's just as hard in a different way when the scales fall from their eyes and they realise the person who supplied half their genes is an arsehole.

Don't bother confronting him.

You can be honest to your children about what happened if you have to break bad news to them. Just be factual. There is a difference between this and bad-mouthing.

I agree. Bad-mouthing him would be encouraging them to think and speak badly of him. But encouraging them to manage their expectations of his promises is probably a good idea.

It is not your job to maintain their idealised image of him @Vee2024. That's his job, if he can be bothered to make the effort.

You have the upper hand as long as he doesn't know you're on to him. Knowledge is power. You know now not to ever believe his bullshit. Just smile and nod.

Confronting him would accomplish nothing.

Don’t confront

Don’t be negative about him to the children, a narc will interrogate people to get ammunition to use against you.

If he was meant to book something and hasn’t then it’s his situation to deal with. Why are you trying to resolve it.

The minute you react to his oversight he will find a way to be the victim and blame it on you. That includes booking it after you tell the children he didn’t.

You can never make a narc accountable. They won’t accept responsibility. They are looking for confrontation and they are looking for ways to make you look bad.

Agree with everyone else, confrontation is pointless. if he IS a narc, he will simply lie and gaslight you, or turn it into your issue.

You shoudl not bad mouth him to the children, but if he is a narc, then the reality is that this behaviour will start to impact them more and more. He will be more and more unreliable and they will figure it out. Do not, under any circumstances, ever cover for him. It can be a fine line. So it's never, "Dad is such a dickhead, he didn't book this activity, you can't rely on him" but it also is never, "Ooh darlings, Daddy hasn't booked this because he's been so busy. I'm going to do these 500 things to make it up to you and I'm sure he's very sorry." becuase trust me, they will very quickly figure out that you are lying to them.

If necessary, a message saying, "I see that xx hasn't been booked. If it's still hapepning, please let me know, otherwise you'll need to tell the children asap." He will most likely ignore or behave badly offthe back of that, but then you just tell the children, "Sorry DC, Daddy didn't book this. I am not sure why but let's do this other fun activity instead."

I wouldn’t confront him about it because he will enjoy that immensely.

Any attention feeds a narcissist, positive or negative- it’s all fuel to him.

What he cannot abide, and what is the most healing and sanity-saving option for you is to grey rock him.

This is the way forward.

It's not bad mouthing to say dad told you ge was organising the activity and he hasn't. If they ask you why, say they will need to ask him. Stick to the known facts.

Covering up will cause you a lot more problems in the long run. He will never need to follow through with any promise as he knows you are there to ensure it happens. It also makes you the bad guy if you don't manage once, as everyone knows that's your job.

No point.

I was married to a covert narcissist - to begin with after we split I'd try and correct him but absolutely no point.

They truly believe what they're saying is true.

Omg he knows how to control you don't bother he's doing it to continue his control over you. Let him bring it up but I wouldn't bother. Anyway best to let your solicitor seal with him

No point, not just gaslighting but centre staging himself too, ignore completely, give up caring and just do you, it's better not to make him important in your life anymore, he'll soon get the message eventually and stop having tramtrums to get that attention. Anyone who believes the gossip aren't your friends.
Say oh whoops daddy must of forgotten, book something else and have a great time with your children but keep them out off it.

nope-as little contact with him as possible.Tell kids bare minimum,facts essential. even sore ones

Honestly talking from experience (4 years post divorce with a narcissist) who has 5 children together. Not worth it, don’t give him the time of day nor attention. Any communication like that will only give him a way to turn it around, gas light and tbh lie. It is highly annoying and it is certainly not easy especially when this will not have been the first nor will it not be the last occasion you will find yourself I this situation. However, 4 years down the line I can honestly say it does get easier. Nothing he will do or say will bother you one day. When it comes to the kids, it’s hard but don’t ever soften the blow for them or make excuses for his lies or gas lighting. You are not protecting them from the disappointment he causes all you are doing is prolonging the enviable when they do see it for themselves they will only fall from a greater height of disappointment. Without knowing what he promised he would do it’s hard to judge whether you being the one to tell the children or not is necessary or appropriate. Good luck x

If you are getting divorced and there are solicitors invoiced - let them ask him.

You are paying someone good money to deal with this idiot so you don’t have to, so let them earn it.

Narcs are not people you can put it in anyplace but behind you with a lot of distance. You’re going to have to accept any argument you attempt to engage in is just another opportunity for them to feed off your misery.

Any attention paid to a narcissist ends up with you being sucked in even further to their psychodrama. You end up being drawn in and having to pay ten times more than the original effort. Grey rock.

Conversely any effort paid towards distancing yourself from them has a proportional reward in terms of well being. All the best.