To carry on as normal

[Howmanysleepsnow]

DH was in hospital last week after a heart attack. He had 3 more while there.
He’s home now. We have 4 dc. I work FT, so did he but he’s now off sick (no pay). I’m wfh this week so he’s not alone- this is completely unsustainable in my job, but work are being very supportive.
Hes been told he can “continue normal activities” but no work for 4 weeks.
Any time I’m away from him for 15-30 minutes he’s mentioning how he could’ve had a heart attack and died. I just went to bed 30 minutes after him because I was discussing uni choices with DD and straight away he mentioned he could have died and I wouldn’t have been there. I suggested he keep his GTN spray nearby: he said I was gaslighting him. I’m not: realistically I can’t respond 24/7 and he needs to take some responsibility (IMO).
He shuts down any suggestion he eg gets his own drink from the kitchen by pointing out he had a heart attack a week ago, and adds that I’ll kill him if I “argue “ about it.
By my understanding, 5-10 minutes slow walking is good: the heart is a muscle and needs to be used. I’m not suggesting a marathon!
i can’t be there 24-7. I can’t not express an opinion in case he disagrees.
I understand it’s been horrendously stressful (for both of us, and the dc) but I don’t think avoiding life/ conversation/ normal disagreement will help.
AIBU?
If so, I’ll try to change.

Having a heart attack can really scare people.

For some people it's a real wake up call that one day they will die and actually that day could have already happened.

Once one heart attack has happened then often people are advised to reduce stress etc. if your dh has a full time job and kids he may now be trying to work out how he can reduce stress.

It sounds like you might have got stuck in coping mode. You're busy carrying on with what you see needs doing.

It's likely that now you both as a couple are going to need to look at changes you can make to your lifestyle. He isn't going to be able to just carry on.

OP he had four hear attacks last week, he was probably terrified. I would look after him for at least a week and not argue with him as he's been through a terrible shock and probably feels fragile.

You are right that you can't be with him 24/7 I think. But sounds like you need to have an open conversation about the emotional side of what happened and how he is feeling now. He will be a bit traumatised at the moment but I don't think you have to stay with him constantly.

Three close relatives have had something similar, they were all terrified. That doesn't help you but the reminder to our mortality is something he needs to go through. It will get better given time, some never quite get over it but they learn to live with it.

Is there anyone at all who can help, even just come and sit with him for a while? Some small local charities run groups for people who have been in your DH situation, it may be worth looking those up. Also there are fitness classes if you have access to a leisure centre. You will probably need a referral from the doctor and you need to prod them to do it but the fitness groups are suppotive and friendly. One relative that goes is not a joiner normally but loves going and has recently joined another fitness class because they enjoy it so much.

There may also be help via the GP to help you all get through this. I hope everything works out ok for you all, it's not a nice situation for any of you to be in.

You might need to talk this through with him, OP: https://www.heartfoundation.org.au/your-heart/support/feelings-and-emotions-after-a-heart-attack

And here's the UK BHF support portal: https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/support

He sounds scared and I’m not surprised. I get that you can’t nurse him 24/7 indefinitely but if your work are supportive I’d take a bit of time off to look after him and help him get his confidence back.
A heart attack is a big thing to face, psychologically. We hear so much about them being fatal and we all know someone who has died from one.
I get that it’s busy and pressured with you doing everything but he sounds like he needs a bit of emotional support while he processes what he’s been through.

You must be patient with him, op. I presume he is having some treatment and he may be all right from now on, with diet and lifestyle changes, but right now he is terrified and traumatised. We all would be. He needs to know how much you care for him, it's only been a week or so. Give him reassurance and, as he improves, it will ease off. Later on, you will be glad you cared for him at this time.

He is being unreasonable... however he is likely absolutely terrified he'll drop dead any minute.

He needs to learn how to let go of this, get over it and live his life, or he won't have a life worth living.

I would highly recommend you get him to seek some counselling - and do what you can to provide him with sensible safety stuff, ways to contact you, phone always on him so he can ring 999, GTN spray on hand..

But, gently, he does need to figure this out for himself and you may need to point this out to him - fetching his own drink, making his own sandwich, moving around the house slowly, having a sit down where necessary - all perfectly normal, reasonable things to be doing at this point and NOT doing them will not help his recovery.

Living with the abject terror of dropping dead at any second is just not sustainable, either the stress of it finishes you off, or you get the fuck on with life. I chose 'get the fuck on with life' and I am now some 15 years down the road from a 'you won't be here in 5 years time' DX (heart failure, severe damage to various bits of it).

Anyone could drop dead at any minute from an undiagnosed heart problem or aneurysm or seizure. Life is incredibly fragile, does he want to spend the rest of his sitting about waiting for it to happen, or would he like to get on with that life and enjoy it?

When something major happens health wise, you go through a strange phase afterwards. Death suddenly becomes reality. You lose all your confidence. He is just scared