AIBU or is DSS BU??

[Namechangeitsouting]

This is very outing so changed name.
DSS15, and then DH and I have three young kids 5 and under, youngest under 1.
DSS15 has changed massively in last two years, used to be really chatty and played with the little ones, but in the last two years he’s grumpy, withdrawn, spends all his time on computer/vr headset (wish I was joking but it’s literally all waking hours unless he’s come down for food) he’s also started at a new secondary school and received a diagnosis of ASD two years ago. So unsure if the change is typical teenager hormones, starting a new school or to do with the diagnosis! Or all of it.
Anyway DSS15 and I had an argument recently where he expressed that he wasn’t happy that I don’t “feed him”.
he is referring to when DH is at work and DSD15 doesn’t get out of bed until 1/2pm and I’ve already done lunch for me and the Littles, cleaned up and carried on with our day. I don’t nag him to get out of bed, I leave him to it if it’s a weekend or holidays and he doesn’t need to be anywhere. Who wants their stepmum nagging them to get out of bed?!
so I said if you want lunch then you need to be downstairs for lunchtime, I make food for whoever is up. I then said you know you’re welcome to use kitchen anytime and make yourself anything you like, you are 15 after all.
Bearing in mind I make him a cooked snack next time I’m in kitchen if he’s slept through lunchtime, when I’m making the Littles tea about 5/6…
to which he said he’s had a diagnosis of autism so he can’t cook in case he burns himself.
when he was younger (I’ve been around a long time and we used to have a great relationship) he used to do baking with me all the time and I taught him to make basic stuff like beans on toast or scrambled eggs.!!
so I said ok so make yourself a sandwich?
and he said no. He doesn’t want to just eat a sandwich.
now to me this is total CF territory. Whether ND or NT everyone needs some basic cooking skills and there was nothing in his ASD report that said he was at risk of endangering himself with cooking etc, the report read as him being only mildly autistic. It just feels like he expects me to drop whatever I’m doing and head to the kitchen when he decides to emerge from his room!

so - please tell me who’s unreasonable here?
or is it his DM BU for seemingly not encouraging any independence at all?!

You’ve offered him several sensible options that he is capable of doing - get up at a sensible time, make yourself something cooked or eat a sandwich. If he doesn’t like those choices that’s his lookout.

My DC1 is autistic, it doesn’t stop him from occasionally trying it on and being lazy and entitled. I don’t pander to it. I make a lot of adjustments and give a lot of support, but his autism is not some sort of free pass to do whatever he wants and have everyone else run around after him. Yes, sometimes there are occasions where he’s overwhelmed or whatever when I wind up doing more for him than usual so he can manage all the demands on him, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case for you here.

Are you the cook or the housekeeper?! If he wants to have a lie in fine and not follow the house routine also fine. Not fine for you to drop what you’re doing and make him food. As his age he should be more independent and yeah less entitled

He's being unreasonable. You are not running a restaurant.

Lunch is 1pm (or whatever) and he gets up for it - or he misses it. His choice entirely.

What do you cook for lunch?. Why not make him some and leave it on a plate for him. You can plate it, cover 8n cling film and leave in the fridge . He probably feels bad bad that you are cooking for the other kids but not him. Why not teach him some recipes and get him to cook for every one sometimes. Mar him feel like part of the family

Did you even read the post?

This is a kid trying it on, as all kids do. He knows how to cook and he knows the OP will cook for him if he's up but that's not good enough for his lordship and instead he's treating her like a maid.

The way to resolve this problem is to continue to offer the solutions you're already offering OP and ignore any attitude as he's obviously trying to get a reaction from you.

Why does he have to be up to be cooked for?. Why can't food be left for him?. Definitely he should cook as well but if OP is cooking already why not just make an extra plate for him. It sounds like he wants a bit of mothering. Sounds like op is very hands off with him. He sounds like he is struggling with the autism diagnosis.

Is that a serious question? He's 15 years old of course the very least he should do is be up and awake if he's expecting to be catered for. It's not like he's a small child taking a nap.

Nothing about hen Ops post suggests she's hands off with him. It seems very much like you're just trying to paint an evil step mother picture where none exists. If this child wasn't her step son then there's absolutely no way anyone would be suggesting she cooks for him and caters to his every whim.

Nope, not painting an evil step mother. Not saying give into his every whim. Maybe its cultural!. In my home whoever is cooking cooks for everyone and they eat it when their ready. Carry on!.

He probably is trying it on a bit and being a bit entitled and lazy BUT if you are cooking anyway and its something that will be ok covered over for an hour or so then why not just make extra so he can have some when he gets up?

I would personally say ok, would you like me to wake you up for lunch with us? That's the only offer of food until late afternoon.

Does your Dh work weekends that he’s not around to back you up? Is he backing you up?

Definitely not hands off. Been very hands on in fact! Although since he’s entered his Kevin phase I do tend to leave him to it a bit more just because from experience my brother didn’t like too much bother from our mum so I don’t pester him. I used to insist he took screen breaks but now I just don’t because he’s old enough to regulate and I don’t want to annoy him. It’s me who makes sure his room is nice for him, keeps an eye if he needs new clothes, toothpaste, anything. Get new foods in he might like, make sure we have stuff he does like in.
if I’m making something that will keep (like a sandwich) I do make one and cling film it. But we don’t have a microwave so little point cooking scrambled eggs or beans or cheese toasties and leaving them to go cold! As I said next time I’m in kitchen I do make him a cooked snack when I’m doing tea for the Littles if he hasn’t bothered making himself something cooked!

Id bang on his door or shout and ask if he wants anything if you're doing lunch. Who cares if you wake him up if he's sleeping uncivilised hours.
It's a simple yes or no and he sorts it himself if he changes his mind.
ASD does not mean hes entitled to being waited on hand and foot and if he has awareness that cooking carries a risk of burns, he can use that awareness not to burn himself? Unless you forgot to mention part of his diagnosis is severe dyspraxia or similar I can't see the safety issue compared to any other 15year old.
He's just taking advantage.

I’d be laughing at him. And then tell him that I will always include him when he follows the routine of the house (in other words, cook for him if he is up and awake). But if he isn’t, I won’t because I am not his personal chef.

Then I’d tell him that I would be happy to teach him to cook if he wants to learn (I see you have taught him somethings before), and he is welcome to use the kitchen when he wants.

If he then says he can’t because of autism, I’d say let’s sit down and have a chat. What else can he not do because of autism? I would literally make a list with him. I’m assuming cleaning would make the list along with other things he doesn’t like. I’d then start adding to the list - can’t cook? Then you won’t be safe behind the wheel of a car so no driving lessons for you. Can’t cook? Does that mean you want to live with us forever because if you can’t cook, you won’t be able to look after yourself? No girlfriend, wife or family of your own?

Then, because I am not a total bitch, I’d say I think he is capable of doing all of that and more and I would be there to help him every step of the way.

And then I’d start teaching him to cook at every available opportunity building up to him cooking a simple a week for the family.

——————

This is why I think that a diagnosis is a double edged sword. While it can really help people to understand themselves and to function in the world, others accept it as a label and an excuse.

I sadly have a couple of extended family members like this. One blamed his appalling rudeness the other day on forgetting to take his medication.

Don't do that.

OP I think you are doing the right things, just keep doing it.

How does he manage to stay asleep until after 1pm if you have 3 under 5s in the house? Is he up all night gaming? I probably wouldn't deliberately wake him up but I wouldn't be preventing the little ones making noise to wake him up either. If he is up, he gets lunch, so no issue.

Yanbu

Does he plan on going to uni? He needs to cook or at least make a sandwich for himself.

Thanks all! Glad I’m not BU, I give him a lot of grace because although at his age I was a lot more polite, independent etc I wasnt a child of divorced parents with step parents, step siblings and half siblings in the mix nor was I ever assessed for ASD! But at 15 and even to this day I frequently burn myself in the kitchen 🙈 so yeah when he said he can’t use the kitchen due to his diagnosis I was a bit 🤔 wouldn’t say he’s using it as an excuse because I don’t know what it feels like but I think he’s pushing it a bit claiming it’s a barrier to gaining life skills!
oh yes and to answer some more recent pp’s, I have a couple of times tried to wake him for lunch only for it to go cold because he simply keeps going back to sleep! DH himself gets exasperated trying to get DSS up for something to eat - but he’s the parent not me - I would rather not be a nagging stepmum.