Staying with my mum - Tea

[allovertheshow]

Am I being unreasonable here?

I'm currently having to stay with my mum. I will be here for a few weeks. So far, I have bought all of the food and cooked all of the meals. My mum doesn't cook and she hasn't ever cooked for me apart from for a couple of years when I was a kid.

Anyway, I've been making all of the meals on a couple of occasions, I've left the pots and pans and asked my mum to clean them. This has just been 2 or 3 times.

She's just said "why should I clean them? It's not my mess. I only used one plate so I should only have to clean that, but the pans are yours because you cooked."

She also said the other night "why should I clean them? the cook is meant to do the cleaning"

I've just responded saying "if that's the case, you do your own cooking for you and I'll do my own cooking for me l, and we'll clean our own pots and pans."

I actually don't think I would follow through with this because it wouldn't make sense for both of us to be cooking. But she genuinely thinks she shouldn't have to do the cleaning and I'm quite surprised by it.

What does she eat if she doesn't cook?

If she's happy to split off and sort her own food then that sounds reasonable.

I can imagine my mum being like this. In my house the cook gets thanks and to sit down and relax. The non cook gets to clean the kitchen. I assume she is capable of cooking. So take turns or do your own.b

She is completely able to cook. She cooks for her partner who doesn't live with the her and takes it to his house. She also cooks for my brother who lives with her.
I asked her what does she cook for herself when I'm not here and she said she doesn't cook for herself. Not sure I believe this.

No you're not being unreasonable. She sounds problematic. But if you're only there for a few weeks I'd probably try and keep the conflict to a minimum and concentrate on surviving it and moving on ASAP.
She sounds like an adolescent!

@heldinadream
She is very emotionally immature.

She was like this after I had my baby. I had a c section and she came to my house where I cooked and she was like "are you making a cup of tea. I am the guest you know". Which really wound me up. Then after tea she was like "I could have made that you know..."

She says that after everything but never actually offers beforehand.

She might be very emotionally immature.

However if she doesn't cook when she's on her own (and as someone who has lived on their own I can easily believe that, it's a major faff cooking for one and I often don't bother. It's what deliveroo is for) then it's likely you are making extra work for her.

Just separate. You cook and wash up your own meal, she does the same

So if she cooks for her partner & your brother-who washes up?

Does she think that you would usually cook & wash up for yourself so you should still do that?

Including her in the meal is a thanks for letting you stay?

Quick visits only from now on... Before you slip into carer mode without even realising it....

It would be sandwiches from me from now on.

Why are you staying with her? Who cooked and washed up for the rest of your childhood and teenage years if she only cooked for a couple of them?

You'll get replies based on how other families work but you must already know you're coming from a very unusual place.

I would recommend you don't try to make her do anything that you then have to rely on. If you are waiting for her to wash up so that you can cook, this gives her huge opportunity to control your access with her choices. It might be the wrong battle to pick. And get out of there as soon as you can because this all sounds very manipulative. This kind of stuff fries your brain if you've grown up with it, in ways others often can't understand.

I think a bit more context is needed. Why are you staying with her? Were you invited? What are you cooking? Do you “agree” in advance you will cook x and she says “oh lovely”. How messy are you?

If this is a case where you’re agreeing in advance that you’ll cook a spag Bol, she agrees she would like some and you’re making a moderate amount of mess then she’s being U. If, however, she’s doing you a favour in the first place and you’re using every pot/ pan in the house when in fact she’d rather have beans on toast/ soup and then expecting her to clear up then you’re being U.

My initial reaction is that it’s maybe better to not cook much whilst you’re there (just sandwiches or simple stuff) and clear up after yourself, and also that maybe she might be finding it difficult having you there.

To answer some questions…

I'm in the middle of moving house so I'm here for a few weeks whilst waiting to move into my next house

She asked me to stay. I said I would rent somewhere, but she asked me to stay with her.

I have paid her for this, so I have given her money for me staying there

My brother also lives there. She cooks for him. And even when he cooks, she will wash up after him. She also cooks for her partner.

She's happy to eat whatever I make. If I offer to make something she will say stuff that she wants and I will make it.

She will walk around the house telling me how hungry she is, but that she doesn't have any food in because she hasn't been shopping.

I go shopping so I have food in the fridge.

But she'll say she doesn't know what to make and ask me if I am making anything because she will just have what I'm having

I said I would rent somewhere, but she asked me to stay with her.

I think that knowing what she’s like, I would have rented somewhere regardless of what she’s said-it will be easier.

I guess her perspective is that if she had a microwave meal she would only have one plate to clean up but I would help out if I was her. Since you are staying in her house I would just cook and clean up instead of sticking to your threat, it's just not worth it.

I'm assuming she does that all for her partner and your brother?

Neither take care of her in a reciprocal way?

Not your fault at all and of course she should offer to wash up after you've cooked for her but I'd let it go or live on sandwiches/cold food for a bit.

Always been our rule that whoever doesn’t cook does the clean up. Is that not standard?

Your mum is clearly unreasonable, but it doesn't sound like she is going to change, so you might as well save yourself the stress of hoping she will! I would grit your teeth for the few weeks and then never stay with her again.

How old is she? My opinion if she's 60 would be different to if she's 80!

So she is a misogynist who only makes an effort to care when it's men she's caring for. Women are contempt worthy, and she will punish you whether you do or don't help her in any way.

If you can find somewhere to rent I'd pack and leave the minute I could. I'd make it my urgent business to find somewhere else, I should make that clear.

Sounds like she is extremely unhappy and misogynistic and taking it out on the only person she can have power over.

This sounds very unhealthy for you and I'd be tempted to look at a short term rental. And maybe look up the stately homes thread on (I think) the Relationships board for some coping strategies.