My EXH won't communicate with me regarding shared DD

[RobinGC56]

My EXH & I split in February this year. I stayed in the marital home and he rents in a nearby town. Divorce was only finalised last month. We have a shared DD who is 5 and it was agreed my ex would have her Fri-Mon EOW due to his shift work, but on the weeks he can't have her, would come over a few times in the week and put DD to bed, read story etc as he didn't want to go that long without seeing her (his work is only 3 mins away, so he pops in his lunch break) he would be unable to have her overnight because of work.
He has always been a very involved Dad, and wanted us to co-parent and made it clear that he would always be happy to communicate regarding our daughter. The first 6 months everything was pretty much fine, but recently I have noticed his shift change and his tone towards me is not how it used to be. He has criticised me for contacting him too much, and has stopped visiting DD during the evenings. His reasons for this was that it was confusing for her (and apparently me!) to come to the old family home and he felt like it wasn't his place anymore, even though this was the only way he could see DD all week due to his work! It never bothered me but I know DD misses him terribly now.
I am worried that he is going to become absent but he insists he is trying to draw out some boundaries. Whilst I accept that, I do think he has become very cold and I worry about any message I send him now, about whether he is going to reply or we will get in some kind of row (which I really do not want).

He thinks I have become too dependent on him which is why he is withdrawing, but I secretly suspect that is another lady on the scene, hence this sudden change in behaviour.
So wise women of Mumsnet, can you please tell me if the below examples are too much in terms of contact and if I'm being 'intrusive'?

• Rung him whilst he had DD to ask him to get her some school shoes.
• The boiler had broken in the home we used to share, so I asked him via quick call if he could just quickly tell me if he knew what the quick fix was. He said I should contact a plumber and abruptly hung up!
• I noticed a change in DD's eating habits and rung him to discuss
• DD had been naughty one evening, I rung him as she usually listens to her Dad and it calms her down. He told me I shouldn't ring and expect him to be available at all times to Facetime his daughter as he may be out and busy.

These are just some examples but it's more his tone towards me now is that of a stranger, when initially we got on so well and if I'm honest, this is really making me anxious. Do people think I'm being unreasonable in what I'm asking of him? I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

Th eating habits seems reasonable as she shouldn’t be around for that conversation.

you need to sort the boiler: it sounds too dependent on him to ask him how to do it.
Asking him to buy the shoes feels like an instruction. Not to say he cant get them but do this when he picks her up or in advance when arranging it rather than a text to tell him to get it done - he might have other plans at that point.
The naughty one is probably the worst tbh. ‘I’m calling your dad’ is a really terrible thing to do to get him to discipline her even if you were together. To do it when he isn’t seeing her that much is a way to poison their relationship and make her scared of him; it’s not fair.

sorry - I know the feeling that you want someone to sort some of this stuff but I think he’s right to draw a firm line that he isn’t this person for you anymore .

You are contacting him rather a lot.

You are now divorced, and I guess a financial settlement reached.

School shoes - is it up to him to purchase or is that an extra you were asking for

the boiler - your home, your responsibility. so either you Google the issue or you Google plumbers in your area.

Eating habits - you are the primary parent now, he is no longer your partner that you ask for advice / discuss things with.

being naughty - as above.

I think of course everybody has their own level of co-parenting relationship and that has to be agreed between the two of you, but maybe he’s drawing some boundaries to reflect the fact that you are no longer a couple but are now two single adults who share a child.

• The shoes, not to say he shouldn’t buy her shoes or contribute towards them depending on your agreement but you don’t get to tell him what to do when he has her. That’s a husband/partner thing, could have been discussed at handover/by text.
• The boiler he is right, it’s your house now and therefore your problem. You can’t lean on him like a partner when he isn’t one.
• Eating habits I think is fair enough.
• Ringing her dad to tell her off, absolutely not okay behaviour from you.

He is right to draw these boundaries and I think it will help both of you to stick to them.

The first 3 could have been a text.

Ringing him when she's being naughty for you is actually really awful. You need to deal with that yourself and not expect him to jump in and tell her off.

It does seem you're phoning him in the same way you would a partner, so he's right to draw boundries as he doesn't feel comfortable with this.

It's a learning curve though, it's just getting used to the new version of normal.

btw I agree with him no longer popping in for stories / bedtime etc.

EOW is what is agreed, and dd will get used to it.

IF dd asks to phone him - is he ok with that, and I do mean dd and not you suggesting it / trying to reach him via her

or maybe an arranged phone call every Tuesday evening, not enforced tho as you all have lives.

Stop calling him, it’s too casual and friendly.

Anything you need to discuss do it in messages and no you shouldn’t be asking to how to fix your boiler. That’s your responsibility now.

And no you shouldn’t be FaceTiming him to get him to tell your child off during your custody time.

you need to realise you are no longer a couple. You are two people parenting the same child at separate times.

there will be a time in the future when he has a new partner and he is right to set these boundaries with you now.

Actually your ex is being sensible and drawing boundaries, while you seem to be continuing to rely on him which you can’t do. How would his visiting your home to see daughter work if you got a new partner - very awkward - no matter how tolerant they were. If ex gets a new partner understandably they would more than likely be uncomfortable with him spending time at your home ( even if it was with DD).

Your ex is right it probably is very confusing for your dear child “Daddy has moved out but he’s here quite often at our home”. It’s absolutely not ok for you to threaten DC with Daddy if they are misbehaving - you are the parent in charge and need to manage this - even if you were together it wouldn’t be appropriate as it is undermining your parenting , giving your child the message I can’t cope - so the child pushes the boundaries further and it becomes a vicious circle.

Changes in eating habits - not life threatening, save it for the weekend when you hand DD over to her dad “just to let you know DC suddenly seems to dislike cocoa pops for breakfast / suddenly will only eat mashed carrots, not pieces” or what ever.

You can co parent , but you both need boundaries and you need to work out the domestic issues ( boiler etc.) without his input.

Might sound harsh but the reality of life is that you are exs and both need to have boundaries / space.

I think it makes sense to have some boundaries. I think most of the communication was unnecessary.

If you're boiler isn't working download the manual or call a plumber.

I understand him not wanting to come to yours for mid week contact. However, I don't see why he can't pick your daughter up and take her to McDonald's for an hour or two a movie. If that's not possible he could have video call contact at a designated time.

TBH, I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a GF and wants to separate things and have firmer boundaries. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Agree with all posters here. He's instilling healthy boundaries so that you're not dependent on him.

Calling him when DD was naughty for you is unbelievable, you're the parent OP, deal with it.

Boiler issues - there's no reason why you couldn't have called a plumber for advice.

Eating habits, this could've just been a quick text.

Out of interest, who ended the marriage?

Agree with PPs. Eating habits one ok. The others absolutely not. You don’t share a home anymore.

If he does have a new partner then good on him for respecting his new relationship and having boundaries.

Most of that should have been texts if at all.

It does sound like there’s a new woman on the scene and that’s why he’s establishing some boundaries.
It also sounds like you’d maybe got too reliant on him being there for you to ask for help, rather than sorting things out yourself. And that’s fine if you’re both happy with it, but he’s telling you that he’s no longer happy with that level of contact so you have to respect that.

I agree that it sounds like he has met someone new and is putting boundaries in place.
It's a good thing, ask what days he is happy for his DD to call and stick to them, and continue enjoying your life single.

I'd try to talk to him in person. Say you've noticed a shift and wondered if that's because he's in a new relationship. Emohasise that you're only interested in communicating about co-parenting issues and had felt that that was working well before.

See what he says.

Don't ask him if he is in a new relationship - that is absolutely none of your business.

Get your contact routine fixed in stone - EOW and one day in the week, or whatever suits. But it has to be fixed.
He has his contact time at his place. He should never come over the threshold of your home, and certainly never come up to her room to do the bedtime routine in your home.

Anything about co-parenting you talk about at handover, or if it is something DD should not overhear then email, or arrange a time in advance to call that suits you both. Never text him in between these times unless it is a dire emergency.

You need much much firmer boundaries, then you will feel less anxious

Yes to stop calling him. Fix your own boiler. Anything else can be by text. You don't need him to calm down your dd.

And yes, it sounds like there is a new lady on the scene. Hardly a surprise. So text or email in future unless a time-pressured emergency.

Agree with everyone else, it's too much. Low level co-parenting conversations should be happening at handover (i.e. new shoes), behaviour should be dealt with by you when you have the DC and ex when he has the child. Issues with the house you should be dealing with.

Phone contact reserved for emergencies and urgent issues that relate to the child specifically i.e. trips to A&E.

The shoes and eating habits are things that could have been discussed at pick up/drop off time or a quick discussion to arrange a mutually agreeable time to call. The boiler is not his issue, that's yours and you needed to call a plumber or Google. The using him to tell your daughter off, is not good, you are then making him the 'big bad wolf' for telling her off. It must be hard, when you're used to being part of a couple and discussing issues, to suddenly not being. He's backed off simply because he doesn't want you relying on him. It may be given the way you have been calling him over things, that he's concerned if he visits your daughter at her home, she may start thinking you're getting back together, and yes that could confuse her. You need to respect his boundaries as he should yours.

Yes the sudden shift probably does suggest that he has met someone or is dating. However, I do think having boundaries is good for everyone involved but that's for both of you to figure out together.
I co-parent too and I don't think any of those examples would warrant an unplanned phone call. If there is ever anything that I feel I need to discuss either over the phone or face to face rather than by text, then we send eachother a message to arrange it. The only time I would ring outside of this, would be in an emergency regarding our child.
With regards to not seeing your child in between his contact weekends, I can understand why he wouldn't want to come into your house for bed time etc, but could you suggest he takes her to the park for a couple of hours or something similar?. This way your DD isn't going so long without seeing him, especially if she is missing him.
Co-parenting can be really difficult. I am 9 years in and although we are in a good place now, it has been and I am sure will continue to have it's challenges.