Risky to have another child

[Toomanytesticles]

First time posting!

My partner and I have 2 gorgeous DS, one 9 months and one 22 months. Very grateful and thankful, we felt our family was complete and so commenced the bi-monthly phone calls to the much beleaguered vasectomy lady at our local NHS clinic asking for a slot.

We were told it would be next year (applied as soon as youngest was born). Got a call last week seeing if we could do tomorrow (Wednesday) and now we are suddenly having a severe wobble if this is right.

we are older parents (both 41), very happy but my youngest was very premature at 29 weeks and I had complications after (severe bleed, retained placenta found a month later), so there is additional risk.

we know the sensible thing is to count our blessings, it’s just the doubt after being so certain our family
is complete has knocked us both and very aware lucky to be able to make this choice.

AIBU: risking our happy life with the two we always wanted / potentially knowingly increasing risks of a very premature baby next time for an idealised third?

YANBU: more love to go around and you’d never regret extending your family

Best decision we/DH ever made, after deciding to have the kids.

thanks- did you have any sadness/ second thoughts before or after?

Its a personal choice based on your own finances, family support, future plans with work etc. It does come up every day though, people asking if a 3rd is right for them.
Has your youngest met all their milestones? 29 weeks is early, and I'd be concerned that you may not be aware yet of whether they might have issues later on from being so premie.
Could you afford to send 3 to uni- if they all wanted to go?

Could you afford to be off for more mat leave, bigger car/house etc etc
What if the 3rd had a genetic issue or was premie and severely disabled.
What if you felt 3 isn't enough- and you are have the same feelings in a year or 2?

I'd be discussing it with your DH and go through a list of pros/cons.
Sometimes the hormones and heart take over what is actually practical and right for your family.

41?.I'd do it. The wobble is normal but honestly you're healthy and happy and have 2 healthy and happy kids. Let the snipping commence.

I've just had a tubal tie at section at 41. I needed the finality and the removal of what if. Looking forward to the next chapter now.

Slightly different as I knew I had the option of having my tubes cut in my c section and I chickened out in case we changed our minds about having another and because I felt like it was another procedure that I didn't need. I wish I'd had it done now as we don't want another child and it's on my mind when thinking about DTD as I wouldn't want to get pregnant again - we're both older too.

Many thanks, we’ve discussed in depth since we were offered the slot and it’s just comes down to a weird prevailing sense of sadness, I guess just the waving goodbye to the idealised version of third.

my partners usually the very practical one who has only ever wanted two, so it’s strange we’ve both been emotive about it.

youngest has met most milestones for his adjusted age, there’s some marginal concern with his muscles but he’s the happiest little guy and thriving.

we are in the process of moving from a small rental to a three bed home
of our own, so we could make the space work.

three would be the limit (I’m one of three and it’s been great having the support as our parents age and mum is disabled)

money wise would be a bigger struggle later on.

the genetic/ severe disabilities are a concern, and we are aware our ages and prior preemie birth increase the risk here, so definitely agree it’s a heart over head thing here so appreciate the replies!

In all honestly you're not even in a three bedroom house, you're in your forties and your youngest was premature. Is this because you want a girl?

We are currently in a three bed house but the onward move is a purchase rather than currently renting.

i have two nieces I see a lot (and a nephew) and no preference on the sex of a third.

we have decided to proceed tomorrow though! Just not worth the risk for our family but it does feel sad still.

I had my second child at 40 and DH had a vasectomy a few months later. It was such a relief once he had the all-clear, no regrets at all.

We went ahead this morning - thanks all for input.

still feel a little sad about it, but know it’s for the best

3 is the magic number... (IMHO, 4+ also good...) Sorry as I probably make clear, the more children the better, notwithstanding the s*&^show i had getting them to school this morning!!!

@Toomanytesticles I can understand your feelings my two are now 32 and 30 but similar age gap and youngest born at 27 weeks following traumatic delivery for both me and her
I always wanted a third but was advised not too and OH couldn't wait to have vasectomy after being traumatised by my delivery and daughters birth so happened when she was a year old
Even now if I occasionally see a blonde baby especially if a boy, I do have a twinge of what might have been but know it was the right decision

I’m one of three and it was great- a little tribe! Would’ve been lovely but couldn’t risk it for us biologically , that’s not to say we won’t reevaluate in a few years and possibly adopt/ foster.

don’t envy the school mornings though, we are still at the pliable baby stages!

This is exactly how we are feeling x

Honestly If you want another, you could possibly could still short term. I know a handful of people who got pregnant a few weeks post vasectomy 🙈

How did they feel about it?

The discomfort my partner is currently in means that, even if we were tempted, it wouldn’t be happening naturally for a loooooong time 😂

None actively tried it was more the husband wasnt shooting full blanks yet.

All continued with the pregnancy, after varying reactions - two were initially unhappy (as they were very much finished), one felt like it was meant and was really content.

I think it takes 15-20 ejaculations to remove the sperm from the body, but obviously depends on the specific person aha