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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could I lose my children?

38 replies

Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 14:52

I’m in the throes of what I can only describe as a MH crisis/episode.
my anxiety and depression have ramped up and I feel like running for the hills. I won’t.
im asking my ex to look after our DC more than our previously arranged 50/50 agreement(no courts involved) and he’s(quite rightly) reluctant.
I just need some breathing space for some new medication to work.
mid been ok for the past 18 months, but it’s all reared up again over the past few weeks.
at what stage could my DC be taken off me for good? I also have another young DC with a different dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 14:53

Should say, I obviously don’t want them removed from my care indefinitely

OP posts:
Krumblina · 01/10/2024 14:54

You need to ask for support. They won't be removed from you unless you are a risk to them. There's lots of support out there. Speak to your GP first.
Have you just started a new medication?

DoreenonTill8 · 01/10/2024 14:55

Are all your dc at home? Or are you only looking for the older dc to go elsewhere?

Singleandproud · 01/10/2024 14:56

Ask SS for support, temporary foster care so you can get some respite and mend might be the best way forward. With regular contact session so you can see them. I'd expect they would expect dad to take them or a family member instead though.

Original poster
Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 14:58

All dc are at home. It’s just the older 2 that I’m struggling with(adhd etc)
started new medication about 6 days ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 14:58

Singleandproud · 01/10/2024 14:56

Ask SS for support, temporary foster care so you can get some respite and mend might be the best way forward. With regular contact session so you can see them. I'd expect they would expect dad to take them or a family member instead though.

Their dad would never let that happen. He’s a good dad

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 01/10/2024 15:14

If asking their dad to look after them has been a bit ad-hoc it would be easier all around to make a structured plan say for two weeks / month if you need that long. He can then enlist support, sort out temporary Flexi working and that type of thing and the children will know what to expect.

If your DC are being cared for by their dad then no one is going to take them off you permanently unless dad goes to court and says this is the new status quo.

H0mEredward · 01/10/2024 16:01

Who else can you ask to take them for your part of 50/50? Grandparents, your in-laws etc could get the kinship foster care finances and your children would still have a relationship with you?

Original poster
Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 18:19

I’m not sure what kinship is. There’s no one else who can help out

OP posts:
Original poster
Dosanddonts · 01/10/2024 18:21

I’m at the point where I just want a BREAK. A break from looking after everyone. Everyone but me. Im doing this solo-which is just how I want it-but a break from the never ending, relentless need for me to be a fucking superhero.

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 01/10/2024 18:21

Can you sit down with their father and tell them how much you are struggling and see if he can step in for a month? If not, maybe reach out to social services and see if they will support you.

Woahtherehoney · 01/10/2024 18:24

I think you need a proper plan. Who will take your youngest? Or is it just the older two? If so you need to have a really good chat with them about why they are going to their dad’s and the younger one gets to stay home with you.

you 1000% deserve a break and need it for your future sake, but you need to talk to the kids dad and explain why and so he can put other support in place as well if he needs it.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 18:24

The threshold for permanently removing a child is high, unless you are a risk to them. But I’m not sure SS would be able or willing to take them to give you a break, they don’t have the capacity unfortunately to do this or the staff/carers available, they may be able to signpost you though to some assistance after school etc if that would help you get some time to yourself, and if dad can’t take over for awhile.

AvaJae · 01/10/2024 18:26

Their dad, unless their are safeguarding issues, is the next person to call on.

Social care would ask him too.

There is such a shortage of foster parents and a cost involved to the LA too. The priority are children who need foster care because they have nobody who can care for them, not children with a good dad.

Can you plan with their dad, or ask someone to help you with planning. Does your exh have family who can help him with your DC’s too?

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/10/2024 08:43

Ss will not remove your children because you need a break. As a pp has said removal is last resort and only if home and extended family life is so chaotic or awful there is no alternative so please don't worry about this.

It's the children's dad who needs to step in. But you cannot force him to if he can't/doesn't want to.

I hate to say this but unless you have family who can help you might have to just muddle through until your meds settle.

sparkellie · 02/10/2024 08:49

Why is their dad reluctant to take them more than 50% of the time? I actually don't think that's reasonable given that it's because of your health, and temporary. That's what you do as a parent. If he doesn't want outside help involved then he needs to step up to support you for the sake of the children. Sadly too many men refuse to do more than they have to because they see it as helping their ex, when in actual fact it's their kids they would be helping. How many women would refuse if the roles were reversed? Having said that, he obviously doesn't have responsibility for your other son, so if his dad isn't around at all then you would still have to make arrangements for him.

BanksysSprayCan · 02/10/2024 08:50

Ok so you’re 6 days in. Most meds of this kind take about 2 weeks to bed in. So you’ve got to find a way through the next 8 days or so. It sounds a lot but it’s really not long.

Could they spend some time with friends this weekend? Is there an activity you could book them onto? Then you’ve only got 3 days to get through before you get time off.

And I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. 💐 Apologies if these suggestions aren’t helpful but if you can see it as a finite time and break it down into chunks, it might feel easier to manage.

BanksysSprayCan · 02/10/2024 08:53

Actually, could their dad not take them for a week as your holiday time? Then you take them when he wants a week off later on? Yes I know you’re not on holiday as such, but this is quite usual for 50:50.

GuestFeatu · 02/10/2024 08:56

Singleandproud · 01/10/2024 14:56

Ask SS for support, temporary foster care so you can get some respite and mend might be the best way forward. With regular contact session so you can see them. I'd expect they would expect dad to take them or a family member instead though.

Why temporary foster care when they have a father??

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/10/2024 08:57

Your options are that their Dad takes them, someone else takes them and claims kinship payments, or they go into temporary foster care. There isn't another option.

If their Dad takes them, that can be a private arrangement between you, but it sounds like he's reluctant.

Someone else taking them would require you to have parents or in-laws, or close friends, who were happy to take them on. Again this could be private, but if social services were involved, they could claim kinship payments for the time that they have them. I believe this would stop any child-related payments that you get, if that's relevant.

Temporary foster care would be a last resort, and social services would approach Dad first. There are lovely foster homes, though, I've personal experience of being inside several. It's very unlikely that they'd only take some of your children - it's far more likely they'd all be placed in temporary foster care, and then when you're assessed as being well enough to care for them again, they'd return to you (unless there were reasons that this wasn't appropriate). Depending on how long they were in foster care, it may be a slower return - such as weekly visits, and then every other day, and then daily, and then back to you but with daily visits from the foster parents, and then every other day, etc.

Realistically only the first or the last option is going to give you a break, and in either case, it's probably going to need to be all of your children, or you're not really going to get a break and you may cause some resentment/hurt between your children.

GuestFeatu · 02/10/2024 08:58

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 18:24

The threshold for permanently removing a child is high, unless you are a risk to them. But I’m not sure SS would be able or willing to take them to give you a break, they don’t have the capacity unfortunately to do this or the staff/carers available, they may be able to signpost you though to some assistance after school etc if that would help you get some time to yourself, and if dad can’t take over for awhile.

Social services don't take children into foster care to give parents a break, especially not when they have another parent involved!

GuestFeatu · 02/10/2024 09:10

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/10/2024 08:57

Your options are that their Dad takes them, someone else takes them and claims kinship payments, or they go into temporary foster care. There isn't another option.

If their Dad takes them, that can be a private arrangement between you, but it sounds like he's reluctant.

Someone else taking them would require you to have parents or in-laws, or close friends, who were happy to take them on. Again this could be private, but if social services were involved, they could claim kinship payments for the time that they have them. I believe this would stop any child-related payments that you get, if that's relevant.

Temporary foster care would be a last resort, and social services would approach Dad first. There are lovely foster homes, though, I've personal experience of being inside several. It's very unlikely that they'd only take some of your children - it's far more likely they'd all be placed in temporary foster care, and then when you're assessed as being well enough to care for them again, they'd return to you (unless there were reasons that this wasn't appropriate). Depending on how long they were in foster care, it may be a slower return - such as weekly visits, and then every other day, and then daily, and then back to you but with daily visits from the foster parents, and then every other day, etc.

Realistically only the first or the last option is going to give you a break, and in either case, it's probably going to need to be all of your children, or you're not really going to get a break and you may cause some resentment/hurt between your children.

There is no 'claim kinship payments' - kinship foster care has to be planned, approved and regulated by the local authority in order for carers to get paid. If someone takes a friend or relative's child in temporarily there are no payments they can claim. There is also no way in hell that the local authority would put these children in foster care. They need to go to their father.

Singleandproud · 02/10/2024 09:10

@GuestFeatu well, temporary foster care because in the OP she said dad was taking them but reluctantly, if she needed more respite than the dad (or other family members) are willing to do then it's an option. If she is in such a bad way that she feels that she can't take care of them then contacting SS is the right thing to do. They aren't going to take them off her unless they are seriously neglected or abused so she needn't worry about that as the bar is so high but they may not be able to help by providing respite but may be able to support / refer / signpost in other ways.

GuestFeatu · 02/10/2024 09:12

Singleandproud · 02/10/2024 09:10

@GuestFeatu well, temporary foster care because in the OP she said dad was taking them but reluctantly, if she needed more respite than the dad (or other family members) are willing to do then it's an option. If she is in such a bad way that she feels that she can't take care of them then contacting SS is the right thing to do. They aren't going to take them off her unless they are seriously neglected or abused so she needn't worry about that as the bar is so high but they may not be able to help by providing respite but may be able to support / refer / signpost in other ways.

Agreed that contacting social services won't result in them removing her children but again, there is no way they will be offering foster care. Foster care isn't an option because it isn't going to be offered. The father needs to take them if the mother can't. There is no such thing as respite foster care for struggling parents, only for children with disabilities who meet the criteria of the CWD service.

Wimberry · 02/10/2024 09:32

I'm a little confused by the question if I'm honest - are you worried that social services are going to try and take your children because you're unwell?

If they have a dad around and you weren't coping and they got involved, they'd be pushing dad to do more, so that you could work with whatever support you have for your mental health to get better. SS wouldn't have any power to decide for them to stay with dad. You'll know him best to know if he's likely to be ok with it being temporary or if he'd want to permanently change the split.

If you are worried about what the worst is that could happen - if you were to become so unwell that you absolutely couldn't care (eg detained in hospital) AND there was no one else who could care for them at all, they'd automatically become 'section 20' which is a piece of law that allows SS to care for children temporarily when a parent isn't available to, but it's not the same as going to court for removal. Tends to kick in when parents are hospitalised, in custody, or in another country.
Thats unlikely from what you've said but just so you're aware of the mechanism.