Phone Vs Family Time

[Srepmum1984]

Good Afternoon All,

This sounds so severely immature typing this out.

My friends and I are all in our late 30s. Most are single. We have group chat on WhatsApp. They speak all night. Two are childless and single and one has two smaller children who are in bed by 8pm and is married.

I have a husband and two teenagers. Recently my husband and children have said it is very offputting how much my phone goes off in the evening and I reply to messages to friends when we are watching TV etc. I am extremely lucky my two girls want to still sit down with the family in the evenings when they are not out with friends. My group chat is just people sending videos etc and meaningless chat.

I spoke to my husband and he admitted that in the evenings it does sometimes very much feel my priorities are with my friends and not my family (I see said friends regulaly and also they message most of the day).

After that and the kids saying to me I decided to put my phone down at 6pm to really spend time in the evenings with them all. It has improved all our relationships tenfold and I didn't realise how rude and not present I was being.

I told my group chat of my new plan and two of them have now voiced concerns my husband is being controlling particularly one who I am normally at their beck and call.

I am a massive people pleaser which I am in therapy for but this one friend has really overreacted to me not being available in the evenings to the point I now feel like I'm being an awful friend.

Sounds like everyone wants to tell you what to do!

Could you dip back in with your friends at say, 9? For 20 mins. I do that as my kids are in bed and I don’t see them in the day and I don’t ring people up anymore. I think your friend is being a bit weird tbh, can you not go out for a drink with her and have an actual chat?

I think you know.
You already spend plenty of time and energy on your friendships (not a bad thing).
Your family, including children who will probably not want to spend their evenings with you forever, have asked you to be more present when spending time with them in the evening, and your relationships have improved significantly.
Your husband doesn’t sound controlling to me.
You seem happy to spend the evenings with them, less distracted by your phone?
I think you’re doing the right thing. I may not have bothered to tell my friends “the plan” to be honest…
They’ll get over it, especially as you’re still seeing them lots and chatting in the day.

I don't think it needs to be one extreme or the other, does it? I don't want to spend my whole evening messaging people, but likewise I don't want to be inaccessible after 6pm or never chat with pals in the evenings, so maybe you just need to find the balance. For group chats, I tend to mute them and then just check them at various intervals so my phone isn't constantly lighting up.

I personally wouldn't spend all evening on my phone especially since you have noticed such great results being present with your family. I do think it's fine to set ten mins aside every now and again and reply, but leave it at that if you are enjoying your family time. What is it you want?

I am much more relaxed not being on my phone. Nothing is being said that an immediate reply is requested. Emergency of course I'd reply but getting the hump I haven't responded to a puppy video from YouTube is making me feel a bit put out.

Ignore your friend - she's not your friend and sounds weirdly jealous. Let that one drift and ignore her. Enjoy your family time.