I've gone 100% NC but I'm still terrified

[MsChampagne]

Two years ago, I went 100% with my DC's father & his family.
He has PR. I think he might even have copies of the children’s birth certs.
He doesn't pay CM, never has. I'm not interested in applying either. He only brought clothes and toys for the DC for less than a handful of occasions. His mother picked up his slack when she thought it was her duty to do so. She was bitterly resentful to me when she found out my mum & sister bought things such as summer holiday clothes, school uniform & shoes.
There's history of DV and emotional coercion lasting 7 years - all of which ExP denied and told CAFCASS that I lied.
Admittedly, I only felt brave enough to report DV etc when my eldest was 5yo. There were 4 non-mols prior to my finally telling the Police, Victim Support, Social Services and then private conselling. I moved 400miles away during the covid lockdowns and ended up applying for 1 more non-mol as ExP started the DV again as he was unhappy about having little to NC with DC.
As soon as the 5th non-mol ended, the emotional coercion began again - his mum is very guilty of this throughout her beloved son's pitiful relationship with me. Several times contact between ExP and DC was arranged. He cancelled. Constant insistence from him and his mother to let ExP have the DC for a few weeks during the summer holidays broke my determination to keep my DC close.
DS was returned home after 1 week. He wasn't happy. Sibling rivalry was reported to me. I knew he was struggling with anxiety and toiletting by himself too. DD stayed for another 2wks but her behaviour once she returned, both at home & school for the next year was off the scale awful.
Flashbacks of DV came flooding back because of the continued contact - some of which was friendly, some of it was still of a emotionally coercive nature. Flashbacks kept tormenting me every day while the DC were with him and not me during that summer, including incidents when ExP was particularly cruel regarding his DC - calling them names, denying that he is their father.
I couldn't manage my worsening MH issues.
So I went 100% NC.
There was one support worker who threatened to start a Safeguarding and court care proceedings if I didn't choose to act in my DCs' best interests. This particular professional did not believe me when I reported emotional coercion from the DCs' paternal family and frequently gaslighted me during meetings.
At first, I was angry following that particular threat - I have always demonstrated that I am the more responsible parent since my DC's births.
But I decided to go further to prove it.
I took out orders which ended Jan 2023, including a Prohibited Steps and a Residency Order. To date, I haven't felt it's necessary to renew... yet.
My solicitor told me to write down on one side of A4 about my experiences of DV for the benefit of future hearings... I tried to keep it to one page, but it was so cathartic I couldn't stop - it ended up being a 40 page document. How can nearly 7yrs of abuse be squashed to just one page anyway?!
ExP tried to get the PS and RO orders stopped almost immediately. He tried to get contact. The case was closed shortly after interviews with CAFCASS. There was supposed to be a hearing but that was cancelled too.
A few weeks before, CAFCASS told me they would need to carry out a fact-finding investigation regarding all my non-mols against my ExP.
Their opinion of him was clear - a long list of convictions and prison time before I met him, on & off during the relationship, and then continuing his illustrious career after I relocated with the kids. CAFCASS detailed reports of extreme violence on top of 17yrs+ drugs&alcohol abuse before, during and after the relationship. The relationship with him wasn't the easiest, being frequently punctuated by physical violence, emotional & financial abuse... I lived in fear for my life and all the time meanwhile, the strongest and most dominant women in his family blamed my MH issues, and pretty much told me to grow up and get a grip.

Well, I did. For my DC. For me.
I've been relatively peacefully 2years. I'm reminded almost on a daily basis how much damage ExP caused. Both the DC have SEMH issues. I advocate for them to get the best support, on top of keeping my eldest's school on their toes as she has an EHCP re diagnosed SENDs. I'm in an out of support re my MH - it depends how brave I'm feeling on any given day whether or not I admit that I'm struggling.

In the back of my mind, I'm terrified my ExP will find us one day. The reason I went NC is pretty self-explanatory. But I worry he will use all of it to hurt me and the DC. People of mumsnet: I'm not expecting sympathies or advice on what to do next... I just wanted to pour out this worry which consumes my every day.
Sorry I've written so much. It just hurts to hold it in. All of it.

I wish I could offer advice or assurances that he will never find you and your children, but DV is something I know very little about.
I did however want to say you sound like an incredibly impressive woman, the strength and resilience you showed by leaving that situation is awe inspiring.

Worked in DV for many years.

Reading between the lines of your long post but very brief synopsis of your experiences, I would say you found your power in the fight, and won many of those battles, to keep you and yours safe.

War as an analogy

Once you flee an oppressor there will be battles.

Is the new spectre that there is a possibility, of another battle on the horizon, whilst still carrying your injured self and children away.

Or is it that you are safe (as it seems) and the new life struggles to heal feel like another war.

Or is it both?

Breath the fresh air around you, the safe space you have created, look at yourself in the mirror and see you are brave and strong.

See your life from the top of the mountain not the bottom, because that is where you are.

Know that you can and do the best for your children.

Realise your future struggles are just the push and pull of normal life, and that you can deal with it.

But most of all find a way to love yourself as never before. And cry as much as you ought too.

Find a place to speak too and with and in a DV support group, to help you,

But also because i think you have so much to give.

Thank You for the replies so far💐
I think I need to learn to accept heartfelt compliments as genuine. From the outside looking in, I think it is easy to understand why I have low self-esteem - my sense of sense of self-worth was destroyed by my children's paternal family pre-covid lockdowns. My wake up call was spending an afternoon chewing on panic sparked by a news bulletin shouting about increased levels of unreported DV. That afternoon I was locked indoors with my very young DC and their father. He was supposed to be cooking dinner, but he escaped to the balcony for a cig. He always enjoyed having the TV on far too loud, never on cartoons for just 10mins for the kids, he charged me to sit on floor with them and play with them. According to him & his darling mother, I knew nothing about child-rearing. I'll admit, I knew as much as most new parents, which is why I spent 2hrs a week in an EPEC group and went to all the playgroups with the mums I met - in short, I probably spent 6hrs per week socialising with my DC with other new mums and once my children were asleep, I tried to spend a few hours on college assignments because I'd signed up to child development courses too. Of course, all of my effort spent on self-improvement was rubbished by my DC's paternal family. On the same afternoon the TV was blaring about unreported DV, my family were busy on WhatsApp - one of my paternal half-brothers was in intensive care following am accident at his workplace. He passed away in less than half a day. My ExP came in from smoking on the balcony and started shouting at me because I couldn't manage my grief. He turned the TV channel to a football match and ordered me to finish cooking the family meal 'do something useful for a change.' 9/10 times he was never around to help me with child-rearing, so learning to cook for me and the DC was another difficult but welcome challenge. After I'd fed and bathed the DC ready for bed, his mother came over for pre-arranged babysitting - her darling son opted out of night care as often as he breathed. She actually told me to go for a walk - according to her, I looked terrible. It was during that walk that I phoned my parents, told them about DV situation I was in and made plans to relocate closer to them. I sat in the nearby playground and emailed the DC's SW (she had the children on the safeguarding because of their dad's reported behaviours😭 of course, that was also my fault for being a sh!t mother), telling her why I intended to relocate at the first opportunity. Following that, things moved fast, despite the lack of help from my local women's refuge. Within 8mths, I'd found somewhere to live, far from reach. In that time, ExP increased the DV, his mother continued the emotional coercion, then I finally made up mind to report ExP to the Police. They blamed me for 6yrs of unreported DV, asked me I didn't report him immediately and I truthfully answered that I was terrified of him and frightened my losing the DC. I asked for a Victim Support referral who then arranged appts etc with family lawyers. I survived a very long and bitter war, where I fought hard, trying to convince everyone that looked at me that me & the DC deserved better instead of the constant negative criticism and backhanded "love." I was so mentally worn out at every GP appt, I just cried every single time, and I was the same in private counselling until I finally learned to breathe and feel the free space around me.
I guess I now feel strong enough to admit it's my struggles with my DC's SEMH issues that feed the fear of their father will find us one day. My eldest child saw too much and in the back of her mind, a fire burns for all those times her daddy smiled at her. I think due to her SEND issues, she struggles with the concept of time - in her head, yesterday was the last time she saw him. She doesn't know the fine details of why we have been 100% NC for the last 2 years, and I'm worried she'll never understand why. My youngest, well, he's just starting to understand what REAL love and care looks like and feels like, he's thriving and it's clear he much prefers a happy peaceful life. This takes the edge off my worries just a little bit. For the most part, the emotional coercion that their father and his mother used to control me to get my ExP named on the DCs' birth certificates is the reason I still have nightmares. He has PR and one day, he might use it. He has already tried once.
I agree... I do have so much to give! I've found some very dear friends who have had similar experiences, and we spend our spare time building each other up. It's just that one worry, coupled with the anxiety that I may not have any strength left to fight again when needed. I love the DC to bits and I want the best for them. I guess my new belief system should be:
YOU HAVE FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM ONCE - YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN💜* *