To wonder if I should message one more time (to apologise)?

[JennaRink]

My friend of 10 years is blanking me and seems to have cut me off

When I visited last year we had a small argument which had been brewing. We hadn't seen each other in a year and she kept looking at her phone and messaging people when we were having dinner etc. Eventually I said it was extremely rude and could she stop.

Later on she answered a call from another friend who was crying about some argument she'd had with her partner.This went on and on, until I left the room. She came after me asking if I was upset and I said again it was rude, I was there as a visitor. She refused to apologize and I said she needed to take a look at herself. Not very kind I know.

Months later I've been ghosted. I messaged saying I'm still here for her as a friend but assume a ghosting and haven't heard. When I think about it maybe she's waiting for an apology from me? Should I leave it now or message once last time to apologise?

I don't know if there is much point in contacting her again. You barely saw each other even before this incident and it sounds like she has plenty of other friends anyway so she probably doesn't feel the need to keep one who character-assassinates her in her own home.

Do you even want the friendship back or are you just looking for forgiveness because you feel bad?

Yeah. I think I need to apologise even if she was rude.

I've then done everything I can. She is a sensitive person and I expect took it to heart. Sometimes I say it like it is too much.

I think I will send it.

@HollyKnight if the apology is all that is standing between me and her continuing the friendship then it is with the hope of continuing the friendship.

You were both wrong.
She was rude.
You really overreacted.

I would sent one last message and then leave it at that.

Don’t do this, if you apologise do it properly and sincerely. Not basically say but you made me do it.

you clearly want the friendship back, and I’m afraid I also find your words unacceptable,and I’m not imagining the tone was pleasant either. She had a friend with a crisis, what was she to say sorry I can’t talk to uou for four days,

and yes texting over dinner is rude, but there could have been a reason. It’s always best to ask,

I think you owe her an apology regardless. She may not want to talk ever again. But at least you can feel that you did all you could to salvage the friendship and leave the door open to her to return in the future.

Well, I've sent it now!

I feel better for it. It was wrong of me to insult her in her own home.

Even if she was rude. She was rude that day but what about all the times that she was there for me during a low ebb? If she doesn't want to contact me fine, but I've done all I can.

And at least I can say that.

So she’s been there for you through awful relationship issues & when another friend was in need and she answered the phone you threw your toys out?? Wow way too intense and she may have seen sense!

Yes I think ok. But then I’m quite direct. I’d acknowledge the missed replies in a subtle way

eg. Hey x, just wanted to drop you a message - I’m conscious we’ve been out of touch for a while. I wanted to say sorry for our disagreement last xx. I felt sad that you had a lot on and didn’t have much time to catch up. Sorry that I called you rude. Hope things are going better with xyz. Sending lots of love, Jenna

I know.

I've apologized now and I've told her what Ive apologised for.

That said it my own reaction was a build up of her being on and off the phone all day to various people. It WAS rude in the context of a friend you see once a year visiting. My other friends don't do this, even if I only saw them last week!

Being on her phone during dinner is rude, but answering her phone to a crying friend? She sounds like she's a good friend, as you say she's been very supportive of you in the past.

If you were there to support her through her divorce I would have let it all go. Divorce is hard and she is probably feeling very off balance.

I'd let it go personally. I remember a friend coming to stay who had a drinking problem, she became a nasty drunk often when she did drink. She character assassinated me too on the first night. I was like f**k this and went to bed and told her the next day it'd be better if she left and we haven't spoken again. I mean, what's the point?

I hated that she was staying the night but it wasn't fair or safe to make her leave so I put on a face and said goodbye in the morning, counting the minutes until she left. I expect your friend did the same, counting the minutes, which she could do as she knew it was the last time she'd see you.

Sorry OP, drunken arguments do a lot of damage and sometimes there's no way back...and shouldn't be either if you're capable of speaking to each other like that. It doesn't negate the good times you had, though. Some things just run their course.

Oh I’ve seen you’ve messaged anyway. Well done.

I do think you need to think about your version of rude. Would normally expect that to apply to an interaction between people who don’t know each other. When you know someone as well as her it is more complicated - you were feeling like she didn’t have time for you/that your friendship was taking a back seat to what was in her phone. Just saying she was being rude was not the right thing in these circumstances.

@Chessfan the thing is though re counting the minutes, she added on more plans to the trip than expected.

So we had lunch planned then she had to go to work. But then she added a dinner later as well.

On the last night she insisted on going for drinks although we originally weren't going to bother. Would she do all that if she was counting the minutes?

@Chessfan also on that I don't drink to that level of excess usually and I haven't since. She was the one wanting to have drink after drink and I should've said no.

Before we went to bed that night she hugged me said 'I am glad you're here'. So I thought all was ok.

Sorry just to clarify - was the argument solely about her texting and answering the call? Was there something previous to this?

If it was a very close friend and she seemed distracted during my visit, I probably would have asked her if she was ok, if she wanted to talk or if she needed a bit of time to herself.

If there was no previous to the texting/call I think you really overreacted. It sounds like she spread herself a bit thin spending time with you while supporting another friend - but I don't think it warranted the character assassination.

You've apologised anyway so that's good. Maybe a lesson here for you both.

Imo yes she was rude and immature to refuse to apologise, but equally think you handled it badly and overreacted. Is she a sensitive person? It could have come across more harsh and even aggressive than you intended, especially if alcohol was involved to blur the lines.

If she's a sensitive person I'd say she was very hurt, if not then more likely she's still pissed off, could be a bit of both. I'm quite a sensitive person and this type of thing would really upset me, but others it wouldn't, we're all so different. I wouldn't be sitting there texting during dinner or conversations though!

Perhaps you could reach a compromise and neither of you apologise but just say can we draw a line under it, we were both in the wrong and move on?

I think you massively overreacted, especially about her responding to a friend who was upset.