Husband talking to ex-wife behind my back

[Foggymorning01]

So, I’ve been with my husband for about 6 years now. We have two small children together. We knew each other through work and started dating shortly after he’s separated with his ex-wife (they’ve been together for 15 years). He didn’t tell his family straight away about us dating as he felt it was too soon. It caused me some upset but eventually we got over it, he’s got officially divorced, we started living together and then had our children. Divorce was amicable, he initiated it (from what he said, of course), as far as I understood they grew apart and also there was an issue that he wanted children and she didn’t. Worth nothing she’s still very close with his mum. Anyway, I was always a bit jealous of his ex wife as they shared so much history and I never imagined being somebody’s second wife. Still, our relationship has been great and he’s a great husband and a very involved dad. However, today our kid was watching some cartoons on my husbands phone and accidentally switched to messages, and came to me to help him switch it back (my husband was on a work call). I couldn’t resist the temptation and had a look through his messages (I know it’s not a nice thing to do, no judgement please). And there I’ve noticed a conversation with his ex wife. Nothing too sinister, some memes exchanged, general enquiries of how family members are doing. However what caught my eye is that they kind of tried to arrange a catch up - they work in the same field and she was asking if he’s going to event X, and he was saying: Im not, but going to event Y, and will be in city X (where she lives) soon. Its not very frequent. The last message is from February this year. She reached out to him because his cousin has died, who she also knew, to express condolences. he replied and ended the message with: "would be great to have a catch up call soon? xx" - to which she didn't respond. There's been no messages since. Now, it's made me really upset and hurt. AIBU to feel that talking to her and trying to arrange catch up meetings / calls is highly inappropriate and disrespectful? Or is it ok as they share so much common history, and communication is within friendly limit? Worth noting she's in a new relationship too.

The issue isn't the fact they are talking to one another the issue is he's hiding it.

Luckily for you she isn't interested in continuing to engage with him.

Who told you they grew apart? Him or someone else?

I've seen some friends at war with exes with kids involved, this sounds civil after a death, it's more about when they might run into each other than let's book a weekend away for a night of passion, and it's six months since anything happened. Unless you have reason to believe he did something when in her city, maybe check the bank statements, I'd be very relaxed about this.

It sounds civil and about a death.

I think a 15 year relationship that ended amicably because of a dealbreaker like children probably does have a huge amount of history and affection left.

Would they have broken up if she had wanted children? And if no, is that your issue that you feel that she was always first choice? If so, then I can understand that this will be hard for you to see and why you are upset. Does he know you feel this way?

If not and you are perfectly secure in the relationship, his marriage would have ended anyway and he is happier with you (which given the fact you are part of the family he chose to have, is probably true) then is it the potential meeting up or the fact he hadn’t said anything that has upset you? Perhaps he would have said if they did plan to meet up.

It's perfectly reasonable that they chat and catch up, and even meet face to face once in a while. They were a big part of each other's lives in the past. It doesn't mean he loves you any less.

Of course you don't end a message to an ex of 15 years with kisses. Total lack of respect for your current partner.

I think it's the fact he hasn't told you that they were/are in contact and he wanted to meet her that is the hurtful and worrying thing. Is it possible they did actually meet up when he was in the city she lived? Secrecy always makes something innocent look suspicious.

I think you need to have a talk with him and tell him how you felt when you saw the messages.

My DH infrequently keeps in touch with his ex wife & we've been married 3 times longer. He also 'hides' it. Not because he's doing something wrong but he knows I find it a bit weird. But I'm also not threatened by it, so I let it go. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

The history doesn't disappear and most functioning adults manage to be cordial and maintain a loose friendship. Now please note the heavy proviso of the conversations being respectful of their current relationships.

I know I do with my ex husband and ex boyfriends. Why do you feel insecure by their conversation? Which appears completely reasonable?

I disagree. An ex is an ex for a reason. Everyone needs to move on when there are no children involved.

I think it’s the secrecy, as many have pointed out. Messages from her are muted on his WhatsApp, and I know for a fact that he wouldn’t have told me if they met at a work conference or had a catch up call. And it’s the thought that he would’ve been hiding it from me (aka lying) that gets me. I’m sure he does it not to hurt my feelings, but if he just told me it would’ve been better.

I still occasionally speak with an ex from probably 18 years ago. I’ve been with Dh for 15 happy years. Absolutely no interest whatsoever in said ex - I’m sure he would say the same, he’s married, Dh and I attended his wedding! It’s the same sort of chat, asking after family, sending condolences after a family member’s death. I’m sure maybe if he was ever nearby, he might ask if I wanted to meet for a coffee (we live in different countries now), I probably wouldn’t want to meet up, but it’s nice to hear how he’s doing. I’ve certainly never mentioned it to Dh. It seems weird to make a big deal out of it as the romantic relationship is so dead and so far in the past, that mentioning it would make it sound like something it really isn’t.

Why? Do you not understand a friendship could remain. Why would you be threatened by that? The relationship ended as they've different futures planned.

Some of my ex's went through life changing incidents together. That forms a bond, a friendship, trust. Why would I end that distant irregular contact because of another adults insecurity?

That isn't healthy emotionally.

You can handle this by saying, 'I saw the messages between you and your ex, I want you to know I don't have a problem with you both keeping in touch but please keep me in the loop. I don't want to be excluded from part of your life.'

OP’s is upset about the fact that he is hiding the fact that he is in touch with his ex. It is about trust

You are overreacting big time. To be honest, once you feel the need to check your husband's messages, the relationship is over anyway. Yea, I know you said no judgement but I do judge simply because you find it offensive and disrespectful that he kept this a secret but don't think checking his private messages is actually more disrespectful to your husband. Your jealousy is your issue to deal with. You constructed a whole story out of 8 months old messages (just how far did you have to dig to find them?!). Is it really any wonder that your husband doesn't want to share this information with you?

I stayed, and still am, in civil touch with my ex after I’d left him and then remarried.

We’d been together for 30 years, the marriage just died a death, but he was still the father of our adult kids and GP to our grandchildren.

Our friendship wasn’t a threat to anything.

Why is it reasonable? They are divorced with no children to bind them. There is no reason to stay in touch

The OP's husband and his ex don't have children.

The only thing that is binding them together is that the ex is friendly with his mother.

Even then it doesn't give them a reason to talk to one another.

However the OP seems to have lots of trust issues.

Well, their 15 years of shared history, for a start. That's a big chunk of your life. They'll have mutual friends, they'll know each other's families.

Even when the romantic bond is severed, there are other bonds - of respect, of friendship (if it was an amicable breakup). It's possible to care about someone who shared your life, without actually being in love with them.

No need to go scorched earth just for the sake of it.

Sorry I really don’t buy that. Far better to move on and not look back

He's not hiding anything? Unless you all tell your spouses about every single message you send. And if OP has never asked or expressed any opinion, how would the poor man know what her opinion was on him talking to his ex?

I think this post says a lot more about OP than her husband. She spied on his.messages.

YANBU I totally get it. A similar less involved exchange took place with my DP and his ex recently. Nothing weird but I went ballistic because he’d hidden it and it made me feel he was humiliating me in front of his ex. I am immature about this kind of thing I know I have issues but I was beyond hurt. If I saw the message you’d seen I’d assume an affair, still in love and feel extremely rejected and hurt. I know my responses are disproportionate but you’re not being ott although it sounds innocuous.

And I totally get that. I respect the mutual history, and obviously you can't just erase 15 years of your life. I don't mind that they talk from time to time, it's the fact they're talking about meeting up/him suggesting having a call that doesn't sit right with me. I'm trying imagine a situation in reverse: me having a catch up call with my ex (I also have an ex that I've dated for a long time, even though we weren't married) and not telling my husband about it - I'd never do it, it just seems wrong.