To consider only throwing one child a birthday party?

[ArghhhhhLifeIsHard]

DS has wanted a proper birthday party for years, we have had small tea parties and outings with friends and family separately in the past.

I've had awful anxiety in the past so have never booked a proper party as I was worried people wouldnt turn up

If i book him a party this year, minimum 10 children would 100% come. Maybe 15

Here's my aibu

DD is 2 years older than DS and has had the same birthdays as DS. I know if I throw a party for DS, DD would want one too.... but she is autistic and doesnt have any proper friends 🙈 so who could I invite? She doesnt get on with DS's friends, or most children really. Their birthdays are only 2 months apart.

DS already misses out on some things because of DD, it's no ones fault, it's just the way it is somtimes

But would I be unreasonable to throw DS a party and not DD? We would do somthing nice for her birthday like usual and we normally spread it out over a few days, tea party with one set of friends, another activity with another set of friends and then a family meal.

As not to drip feed I have recently with diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and I'm second guessing myself a lot lately. I want DS to have the birthday party he wants but at the same time, I dont want my DD to be upset that she cant have the same

Maybe throw DS the party but don't have your DD there. What she doesn't know and all that?

We would do somthing nice for her birthday like usual and we normally spread it out over a few days, tea party with one set of friends, another activity with another set of friends and then a family meal.

Who are these sets of friends? Why can’t they just be invited to a birthday party?

Surely it’s more stressful to organise 3 separate events? Just invite everyone to one party.

My DSwould definetly tell her, plus I'm a single parent, dad not involved at all and I dint live locally to family. If she was younger I could of potentially done that

How old are they? Larger parties seem to only happen up to about year 1 or possibly 2 here. Since then it has been smaller groups doing specific activities. Is your older daughter in a mainstream school and would she want to invite whole of class? I don't think it is fair to say no to one just because the other one doesn't have friends. They are separate people.

YABU.

If she has people to go to the tea parties etc she can have them over for a party surely?

Their my friends and their children who are both younger and older than my 2. They get along well enough when they see each other but none if them are friends friends.

DD gets really overwhelmed with lots of people around so it's better for her if we do things in small groups, if I throw DS a party I can gayrentee DD will want to sit with us grown ups rather than join in, but would also want her own party despite us both knowing she wouldnt enjoy it

Can you do your dd a separate 'party' at home with friends/relatives maybe?

Sorry! Didnt spell check any of that 🤦‍♀️

Can you think of something she'd definitely want to do more than have a party and give her the option knowing she'll choose the other option?
I've had the same dilemma with my two, my eldest (autisrix ) saw his little brother coming out of school with yet another birthday party invite, and said "i know why ds2 gets so many birthday party invites than me but im happy because that means he is better at making friends than me and im happy for him" broke my heart, so we just avoid having parties altogether because I don't want to highlight that even further to him

Can’t you just call her ‘meal’ and ‘activity’ her parties and make a big deal that she’s getting 2 parties?

I honestly think you’re overthinking it. Do what you know DD will get involved in and hype it up about being a party, get her involved with organising invitations etc.

Almost 8 and almost 10. Their both in mainstream, DS has had a steady friendship group for the last 2 years whilst DD cannot maintain friendships and hsnt ever had a solid friendship.

This is why I'd like to throw him a party this year, I feel like he keeps missing out and it isnt his fault DD cant make friends ( nor is it hers )

That would be my plan, we could do two separate activities with 2 my friends and their children. She doesnt care for the children but loves my friends company.

I know she will say I'm being unreasonable and that it's not fair proper party wise,

I just wanted to see what other peoples thoughts were 😅

I would throw DS a party and if DD has a friend of the moment near her birthday, then I'd suggest you do some sort of birthday treat out somewhere and invite the friend.

You do the parties that meet their needs.

DS1 is autistic and has a small cluster of friends but not enough to do some activities he likes like Laser Quest, so we also invite a small cluster of DS2's friends (with DS1's consent) and then DS1 gets the pleasure of shooting DS2 and his "little, annoying, childish" friends 😂

It also balanced up a little that it was illegal for DS2 to have parties for 2 years in a row and missed the phase of inviting "all the boys" type scale before they shifted to the age of smaller, more focused friend groups whereas DS1 didn't catch full restrictions and could do more.

It's not been identical but within the logistics avaliable they have had birthday celebrations that meet their intetests.

I probably am over thinking it 😅

I'm worried about her reaction to it. And because I'm second guessing myself a lot I wanted to make sure I was right as such. DD just sees things as fair or unfair, its hard to get her to listen to reason somtimes

That's a really good idea about getting her involved in organising it, she would really enjoy that

Treating fairly doesn't mean treating the same. What works for him may not work for her, so do something special for her 😌

I think if your dd wants a party you should try to do one. Talk to her about what she would like. Just one other dc? Just family? Just teddy bears? It's still a party. You can still do party things.

I would try to steer her towards "you are older so should have something that suits your age" then. Would she enjoy something thing like nails being done, or afternoon tea? Possibly with one of your friends and her grandmother, if she has one? Then you don't need to worry about trying to invent friends for her.

I do get it as have the same with my kids. Already dreading how we find some kids for ds2 birthday as he only has a couple of friends and is out of school for now. Am planning on strong arming cousins over in exchange for vast quantities of sugar.

Have you got family friends with children who would attend?

My older DS's used to have parties with their many friends. Big parties/smaller activity parties etc...

Youngest DS is autistic/ADHD and not got friends but always wanted a birthday party like his brothers. For a couple of years we'd ask family friends and good friends of our DS's whose parents we got to know. the best was a trampoline party - they bounced, they ate pizza and my youngest had the time of his life.

You could take the word ‘party’ out of it. Your son could invite a few friends to do an activity and food rather than having a party and then you can offer your daughter her own an activity as well.