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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away from messy in-laws

28 replies

whichwaywest · 30/09/2024 13:07

The issue began when our dc was born and Dh and I decided not to let sil around the baby, she has bipolar and other MH issues is very unpredictable and can change in an instant from calm and chatty to screaming, shouting, threatening and throwing things,
back to calm again.
She lost her own dc due to the unpredictable and chaotic life she leads and now lives back with pil.
She also refuses to take meds and then uses that as an excuse.
She has threatened me with violence and has a vile mouth before calming down and expecting all to be forgotten because that's just who she is and the rest of her family just accept it.

The issue now is that mil and fil feel we have treated her unfairly and we should apologise and make up, this isn't something that needs a handshake and apology this is the safeguarding of our dc and we strongly feel our dc should not be around this so we have clearly said we will not visit their house but are happy for them to visit us or somewhere neutral but not with sil.

Mil and pil have reacted by saying they will not visit or see us all the time she is not welcome too, so we have not seen them since dc was born. Our dc are now both in primary school.

We have had numerous pleas from other in-laws to include her or not contact any of them again.

Dh has pleaded with his parents to come and see their GC and every time they say not without her, she can usually be heard in the background shouting and swearing about that as they like to use loudspeaker.

They have told Dh he will be cut out of the will and cut out of his family unless he makes up with his sister.
Have we done the right thing? Nobody expected it to escalate this much, he still wants a relationship with his family but not on their terms and his mum is as loud and gobby as his sister so he never gets a word in just gets abuse so he doesn't bother trying to make any boundaries as he's shouted over.
I have tried to stay out of this as it's his family but they keep on texting me asking me to talk to Dh and get him to speak to sil.
They don't have Dh number as he changed it years ago but they still have mine and keep texting me, I've tried blocking them but they use a different number or get someone else to do it.
Have things gone too far? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Greengrassgrowssofast · 30/09/2024 13:19

You’ve offered a fair compromise - meeting them on neutral ground without sil.

They have declined

you feel sil is a safeguarding issue - and I can see why - she sounds very ill and in need to help . Untreated snd unmefucated she must be very hard to be around - I can see why you don’t want her near your children when she is so erratic and unpredictable m.

Your duty is to protect your children which you are doing.

you have made your position clear.

they obviously don’t want to compromise.

it is a very sad situation but it is their choice to not take you up on the offer of visiting without the SIL. they are choosing not to see you and their grandchildren.

don’t allow them to make you feel bad about their choices.

SeulementUneFois · 30/09/2024 13:22

Don't reply to them OP, just keep ignoring them.
You've done the right thing in order to protect your children.

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 13:24

If SIL hurts dc in a manic fit you may not be able to forgive yourselves.

PIL have chosen their daughter over their son and grandchild so you and DH should choose your child’s safety over PIL.

Their actions prove you did the right thing.

Change your phone number and be done with the messy in laws.

TangerinePlate · 30/09/2024 13:25

First post nailed it.

YANBU

Safeguarding is exactly what it is.

Children need to be kept safe and away from dangerous people whether they are related or not.
You have offered sensible compromise,they refused it.
If your DH ever has a wobble I’d recommend counselling for FOG.
I’d change your numer as well.

itsmylife7 · 30/09/2024 13:29

Your priority is your dc.
My advice ....change your number.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 13:29

My first ils never forgave me for refusing their SN dd free access to our new dc. As in I refused to allow her to push him round the streets in his pram alone... She was 8 /9..she once enticed him upstairs after slyly shutting a door then let him tumble down a few. Fil actually shouted at me for telling her off.. Protect your dc. That's your responsibility over any ideas of having ils around them.

OwlishPeering · 30/09/2024 13:31

I have a friend with bipolar disorder. She manages it extremely well, is on top of her meds, in regular touch with her psych. She is a kind, calm, responsible individual. I never had the slightest concern in letting her look after my pre-schooler. The situation you describe is totally different. You’re right to prioritise the safety of your children.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/09/2024 13:39

i think best you don’t respond, to PIL. To wider family, you could just keep repeating “PIL have cut us off, not the other way round. They have decided their daughter’s feelings are more important than our children’s safety. They are always welcome, she is not. It’s entirely their choice they don’t see their grandchildren.”

Do your PIL see SILs children at all? Or has her behaviour cost them a relationship with all their grandchildren?

Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 13:47

I might reiterate to all of them that it SIL was willing to address her mental health issues the situation would be different.

then tell them not to contact you again unless her situation changes or they want to take you up on the offer to meet without her.

DeliciousApples · 30/09/2024 13:47

My ex didn't think he needed his bipolar meds. Made my life a living hell.

So if anyone bipolar tells me that now I walk away too. I would protect my child too. I wouldn't be around someone so fucking selfish.

I've got an attitude now of:
You need meds you take meds end of.

Don't make your problems my problems when there is an easy answer involving you swallowing a pill daily.

Repeat to those living in cloud cuckoo land as and when required until message is delivered.

At which point, proving meds still being taken, I would reconsider being around bipolar friends or relatives.

Original poster
whichwaywest · 30/09/2024 13:48

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/09/2024 13:39

i think best you don’t respond, to PIL. To wider family, you could just keep repeating “PIL have cut us off, not the other way round. They have decided their daughter’s feelings are more important than our children’s safety. They are always welcome, she is not. It’s entirely their choice they don’t see their grandchildren.”

Do your PIL see SILs children at all? Or has her behaviour cost them a relationship with all their grandchildren?

She had her son removed when he was very small for her erratic and unpredictable behaviour so they have no Grandchildren in their lives.

OP posts:
MintyNew · 30/09/2024 13:52

Stop begging these people to be around your kids. Why on earth do you want these dangerous people around them??

FloofPaws · 30/09/2024 14:00

Grey rock them! If they come to their stupid senses

Noseybookworm · 30/09/2024 14:08

You've made a choice not to see her and PIL have made a choice not to see your family. That's sad but I think you have to accept it unless you are prepared to have SIL in your lives, which doesn't sound very pleasant. Your PIL are the ones missing out as they don't have a relationship with their grandchildren. Have you thought perhaps they have made this choice because they are scared of having to deal with DILs reaction if they do see you? I feel sorry for them, she's their daughter and they love her but she's quite capable of making their lives hell if they don't do what she wants 😔

sundayagainagain · 30/09/2024 14:10

I’m thinking if you let her see your kids now she might be even more erratic and dangerous, as she is probably pissed off with you and might take it out on the kids?

Birdscratch · 30/09/2024 14:13

Maybe your ILs are so used to your SIL’s behaviour that they see it as an inevitable consequence of her illness and feel that you’re discriminating against her for having bipolar disorder. No one chooses to have bipolar disorder but refusing to take medication is a very definite choice. Her behaviour is a result of that choice.

I agree with other posters that you can tell the wider family that you would love for the ILs to be part of your children’s lives but they refuse to see you.

Original poster
whichwaywest · 30/09/2024 14:19

Birdscratch · 30/09/2024 14:13

Maybe your ILs are so used to your SIL’s behaviour that they see it as an inevitable consequence of her illness and feel that you’re discriminating against her for having bipolar disorder. No one chooses to have bipolar disorder but refusing to take medication is a very definite choice. Her behaviour is a result of that choice.

I agree with other posters that you can tell the wider family that you would love for the ILs to be part of your children’s lives but they refuse to see you.

I think that's exactly how they see it, that she is the way she is and we should accept and love her for her as they do and as she's lost her own dc we shouldn't be denying her the chance to be an Aunt.
Unfortunately though there's a reason she was seen as unfit to have her child.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 30/09/2024 14:53

You have absolutely done the right thing. They always have a choice to come to see you or meet up and see their grandchildren. They’ve chosen not to. It’s sad, but it’s what they’ve chosen and continue to choose.

I have a very similar situation with my mum. She’s in a toxic relationship with a convicted paedophile. We stopped any contact with her as soon as we found out about him. She won’t admit there is anything wrong with what he did (he told her he did it) or that there was anything wrong with keeping this a secret so he could have contact with my children. I’ve said absolutely no way we’ll have anything to do with her until she accepts how problematic this is and until she engages in individual/family therapy (not in anyway involving my dc, this is to have a relationship with me only).

She won’t. She absolutely refuses. She won’t even consider thinking anything differently other than he is a lovely man. She would rather never see us again than talk about any of this with anyone. Her choice, she’s chosen it. It doesn’t stop her going around and telling everyone how terrible I am for cutting her off from her grandchildren. But it’s all been 100% in her control. She’d be seeing her grandchildren if she chose to. She chooses not to.

You are doing the right thing keeping your dc safe. Going completely NC was very empowering for me, if it’s something you’d consider. My therapist once said to me, they can only play games with you if you’re willing to play the game. Drop the rope. Stop playing the game. I can’t tell you what a difference it made to completely remove myself from the drama.

WildWildWestCoast · 30/09/2024 14:55

She had her son removed when he was very small for her erratic and unpredictable behaviour so they have no Grandchildren in their lives.

And that is the choice that they have made. They could have your children in their lives, but they have chosen to prioritise their daughter who has had her child removed because she is considered a danger. Just keep repeating the message to the wider family, that PILs have made their choice not to see your children.

And change your phone number.

Birdscratch · 30/09/2024 15:01

Even If you love someone it doesn’t mean that you can’t also feel that it’s not in your children’s interest to be around them. If your PIL really can’t see that your children shouldn’t be around that behaviour then maybe their refusing to see your DC was for the best. It sounds like they would have allowed your SIL to be around the DC any time your back was turned.

JumperStripes · 30/09/2024 15:04

You’ve made your decision (and for what it’s worth, I would do the same) and now you just need to change your mobile number.

EvelynBeatrice · 30/09/2024 15:05

Also cover yourselves on the guardianship front in case you and your husband pass on before your children are adults. Make sure there’s a letter with your wills and with your chosen guardians addressed to social services explaining the background and why there’s no contact.

Womanofcustard · 30/09/2024 15:09

Just a thought - is SiL controlling her parents? Are they frightened to leave her alone if they come to visit the GC?

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 15:18

I'd do the same in your situation.
Make sure they're blocked.

Or change your number. Then they'll never be able to get in touch.

DH and I both changed our numbers when we were getting calls and messages from random people, who were being asked by a relative to do this.

CoughedBullldozerNumber · 30/09/2024 16:58

You aren't being unreasonable.
They aren't being unreasonable to choose their mentally ill child who can't cope independently rather than their son and grandchild who are OK without them. They are being unreasonable to blame you for making them choose.