To be sick of DB

[Bettygreenbag]

DB is completely indifferent to our DP, who are now in their late 60s /70s. DM's health has rapidly deteriorated and DF has become something of a carer for her.
DB lives a 50 min drive but will see them once a year. He has 3 young children, under 10, but I think his lack of contact reflects poorly on him.

A few months back, he phoned and asked about his inheritance: how much, when, assets etc. He isn't short of a few bob, al the kids go to private school and both be a DSIL have well paying jobs.

I was there when he called to discuss his inheritance and my dad's face fell flat when he brought it up.

DM fell ill last month and was taken to hospital due to a nasty infection which left unable walk or talk. She is back home and on the road to recovery.

He hasn't visited her once. I think that's terrible behaviour. Isn't it common decency to visit your ill mother?

I no longer speak to him because he isn't interested in talking to me and my texts went unanswered. I just think he is an awful example of a human being.

I feel so sad for both your parents. It's truly shocking to not visit Mum when she's been so ill and not have a care for how Dad is coping. Unless there's some massive backstory for why he's not been in contact, I would have an issue with DB behaviour towards them. I understand a busy family life with kids but if you can pick up the phone to ask about inheritance, you can also pick it up to be compassionate and help with the emotional impact of coping with the serious health conditions. Even if you can't be there, you can still make someone feel valued and cared about. My dad had a similar level of illness in a foreign country during lockdown and I couldn't go there, but I phoned every evening to support my parents and organised practical things like getting them in contact with the consulate and checking for when flights resumed. As well as helping my Mum to navigate her worries. I can't imagine any world where I would have asked about inheritance.

Wow. To ask about his inheritance what a cruel cf. I hope they leave him with nothing!

Your DP are still alive, they can disinherit him completely. Unless they are in Scotland, then they must leave him a minimum something of monetary value (not property).

I hope they disinherit him. Doesn’t sound like he’d miss it anyway.

That's terrible behaviour from your DB!

Your DM and DF don't have to leave him anything. However, if they decide to disinherit him, they should make it clear, via a written document attached to the will, why they are doing so. It sounds like your DB has the money and inclination to contest a will, and giving written reasons will help show they knew what they were doing and were not being unduly influenced.

If CF DB is asking about his "inheritance" maybe his financial situation is not as rosy as you think. Was he asking them in a roundabout way for a loan? I can understand life being busy with 3 young DC but unless there's a huge backstory I dont see why he wouldnt pick up the phone to speak to them regularly.

We had a similar situation. My DPs had GDC they saw less than once a year in the last 10 years of their lives and who (according to my DC) were full of expectation at DMs wake about what they were going to do with "their inheritance". I was less than impressed when I heard this as they weren't beneficiaries - any monies left was to be shared between me and my sibling. I realise the relationship with DGC was not "pay per view" but they made no effort at all (nor acknowledged any birthday/xmas gift) and GPs couldn't travel to them. I adhered to the will (but gave some of my part to my own DC). Not sure if DB gave his CF DC any of his "cut"!

OMG that is disgusting!
There is no inheritance until the inevitable happens 😥
It might be a good idea to get POA for yourself.
How awful for you😥

I’m assuming there’s no backstory? No difficult relationship growing up?

Lots of people have minimal contact with family as adults but there’s almost always a very good reason. Asking about “inheritance” is always a mistake. As a pp said, there is no inheritance while your parents are alive anyway.

He's obviously including "his" inheritance in his financial planning - which is a mistake because if he continues to behave in this way, your parents may alter their wills to exclude him

Are you visiting your parents regularly and helping them out.

There isn't always a backstory. Some people are just twats towards their parents. My brother treated my DPs awfully. The backstory is that he was the golden child, was given the best education, financial aid, treated like a prince. He treated them like dirt. Spoke to them once a year on the phone. Saw them maybe once every three years in person, where he expected to be waited on hand and foot and barely spoke to them, just watched the TV. No help came from him when they were ill. He is just a nasty, self centered person who doesn't think about anyone else.

This feels fairly common among my friends - families often fall out when it comes to caring for their parents - someone always feels that they do more than their fair share and that the others doesn't pull their weight. Caring for elderly parents often causes huge amounts of stress to everyone involved. You've hit the bumps early OP.
Inheritance expectations are horrible too, SIL expressed upset over her parent having to pay for carers as she had plans for her inheritance and was upset it there would be nothing left! I know she loves her mum and does her share of the caring but the eyes are always on the inheritance - I think she was just a bit too honest.

Happened to a good friend of mine. DB seemed to have a lot of cash but actually had got himself into debt. He regularly asked about inheritance. Over the phone. Never visited.
Without telling my friend, her DP changed their will and left everything to her. Nothing to him.
Wills are actually hard to contest. If the person involved is of sound mind, it’s watertight.
My friend’s parents only told her when her mum became seriously ill. Her dad died a year later.
When the DB found out he went absolutely apeshit and used every argument under the sun - my friend had coerced them, she was a thief, she had no morals. It was awful and sadly some people in the family took his side.
However, my mate now has a peaceful existence without having to deal with him. She almost broke herself caring for her parents. I was very close to her mum and I know she really appreciated it.
My friend has no children so the DB did try and pressure her into writing a will so she leaves everything to his DC. He is shameless.
She won’t be bullied and is now NC with him.
Despite the loss, she now has a secure future and gets to enjoy life a bit after over a decade of being a devoted carer.
If he was my DS I would cut him out of my will in a moment.

We had similar with my MIL. We lived the furthest away and had young children, but DH visited more often than SIL and BIL, both of whom lived a lot closer (less than an hour, compared with 4+ hours). She eventually moved closer to us in sheltered housing, all organised by DH, who then effectively cared for her until she died a couple of years later. SIL and BIL didn’t visit once, until she was on her deathbed. They didn’t even offer DH any moral support, never mind practical support. There wasn’t much in the way of any inheritance, so maybe that was why. DH is NC with them now.

DB sounds like a charmless arsehole! Even if he's not as financially secure as it appears, there's no excuse for phoning your elderly parents to ask about inheritance, particularly when! That's just crass beyond belief. Hopefully, karma will get him when his kids treat him the same way.