At a cross roads

[Macs18]

I am recently turned 39 with an 8 and 10 year old. I’ve always had thoughts about a 3rd- but they aren’t going away! Since my birthday it’s consuming me. I’m so annoyed with myself that I haven’t acted sooner on these urges. We can afford a 3rd, our house is the perfect size for 4 of us- might be a squeeze for one more.
I suppose what I want to hear are stories of people who haven’t followed the urges to have another baby- did you regret it? Does the feeling go?
How I feel right now, is that if I don’t, I will need counselling to deal with the finality of it all. But yet I am so aware of how comfortable our lives are right now- is it worth disrupting all of that.

I had a real, real want for another baby at around 40. My hormones went wild, I was wanting sex more often and craved being pregnant. Luckily I rode it out and it passed.

Are you in a relationship? If so, what does your partner think?

Think of the difference in ages. What a 2yr old wants to do is not what a 12 yr old wants to do. I think this urge is to do with the passing of time. Personally I think you should concentrate on your career and the two children you have and enjoy them. Would they thank you for squeezing a baby into the house?

Prioritise your existing children. Find another project to focus on.

It's a good age gap as oldest ones almost ready to walk to school on their own etc so fewer years of dragging round all three. Big age gap means less jealousy and more likely to love having a baby around. Also stops empty nest issues as youngest potentially still at home when grandchildren arrive.

Downsides are bad for environment and increased risk of development disorders

My sister and I are not close in age and weren’t close at all until our middle years. The little one annoyed the older one and then the older one left home, meaning that they didn’t live together after the little one was about 10. So your existing 2 may bond more closely with each other and not with the new baby. They might resent the loss of your time and attention.

then there are the risks of having a child with life-changing differences- these increase as we age. And so does the chance of having a multiple birth! You might go for #3 and end up with #3 and #4 (or even #5- this happened to a friend of a friend).

Also you are just about to start seeing more freedoms for yourself and would go straight back to the baby stage and lose all that.

TL;DR I wouldn’t!

Same here op, currently pregnant in my 40's and excited to meet our new person 🤭
DC also 8&10

I wanted a third, DH didn’t. I accepted that, and whilst it has faded now I do wish we had a third. Annoyingly, when I became ‘too old’ I was talking to DH about it and he denied ever saying he didn’t want a third. I was very upset for a long time about that, but have come to terms with it.

If I could go back in time to where you are now, and if DH was in agreement, and being able to afford it - would have a third child.

Yes, in a relationship. My partner is ok to go along with my decision.

It has been an ongoing feeling I’ve had, I don’t think that 40 looming has intensified my feelings. Just a wish that I had acted long ago!

I’d read the other threads on MN about having another baby in late 30’s / early 40’s. Full of warnings that lack of sleep / toddler tantrums / health concerns which people “breezed” through in their 20’s are a nightmare when being that bit older.

Statistically chances of a difficult pregnancy with health concerns and health concerns for baby increase with age. Would you be able to cope with a child who has physical disabilities or is ND ? How would this alter the dynamics in your existing family and the resulting lack of focus on your two eldest. Or if one of you had to give up work to become a full time carer - the family finances would be badly hit and the comfortable life style you have would be shattered. I suspect not what you want to hear and it might not happen this way, but equally it might.

I have friends who have found themselves parenting a teenager at 60 / 62 respectively and it hasn’t proved to be too much fun !

You need to consider all the practical pros / cons of , not just going with a feeling and have a detailed conversation with your DP on the pros / cons to be absolutely sure you both want to do it and neither are saying it’s ok for what they think is an easy life.

Me - I would cherish what I have and put my energies into your two who are just about to hit their teens and all the inevitable tears / tantrums / delights that will bring you.

Ooft, while that's good in one way, it does put all the pressure of decision making, within an unknown but limited time frame, on you.

I can't answer your specific questions, as I knew I was done at two. But my first was unplanned and it was never on my radar to have children - it just wasn't something that I had considered. But I have never regretted having them.

Having said that, there is no way I would have wanted to go back to the baby stage once mine were 8 and 10. It really depends on what you want from life. I adore having adult children. I have freedom to do what I want, when I want. No having to worry about childcare or parents evenings or being a parent taxi. You could have that freedom by fifty - or you could again be at the stage you are at now. Which might be great for you.

Just something to consider.