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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Over bearing friend and me being too soft?

15 replies

Jjandboom · 29/09/2024 16:54

Context. Met a lady with alot of issues, bullied, doesn't mix with anyone and has no friends at all aside from me. She has a daughter same age as mine.

I felt for her I really did, when we met and quite admired her strength to over come that stuff. But...

As times gone on I've seen alot of things I wish I hadn't. She tells at her toddler so badly, treats the kids awful and pushes them about just abit too roughly and as much as she declares she loves them, I find it a little awkward to watch.

My daughter has been put in a class with her daughter. And has increasingly tried to stop her playing with others. My daughter is standing up for everyone and herself against this. It's driving her insane. I spoke to school calmly. Said "friend" got wind via her daughter . And was told a very different story and I got a barrage of angry texts saying so. I kept cool.

Aside from this she bullies me basically into doing alot for her. I'm the one to call if she wants her daughter to have a lift
I've been put down as a person to collect her toddler from pre school, without being asked I was told
I've been told I have to help her with something to do with my job on a weekend, which I already expressed I didn't want to work weekends anymore, "you'll do it for me, though!"
She was looking at getting a job which meant long hours. And I ofcourse was going to be having her kids 2x day a week. Was I asked? No was I told yes!!!

The thing that's put me over the edge is how she reacted to news that her cherub (put in the kindest context mind you) was not. And I was told girls will be girls! And it's all of them, I do not believe she says nasty things, she said they are meant from a kind place.

I now feel it's my fault for being such push over type, truth is I'm just kind I need to learn to be saying no when i do say no she gets weird.

I now have suggested the girls have space. And tbh I want space too, indefinitely
I'm aware I have to see this person every day at school. How do I navigate? I need help being kind but firm. Thankyou

OP posts:
goodboystepup · 29/09/2024 17:02

You learn to use your words and say no.

AntoniaMcMac · 29/09/2024 17:06

No wonder everyone hates her. Block her

Ezekiela · 29/09/2024 17:08

I'm not quite clear what you mean regarding all the issues between the girls. However, when it comes to her "telling " you to do childcare for her, you just need to start saying no.

Don't give her a reason because she will find a way round that. When she tells you to pick up her child, for example, say "No, I can't do that." When she asks why, say "I have other plans." "What?" "Just something we have to do" or "a family thing." Do not give any details.

If she says "You can take little Annie with you" go back to "No, I already said I can't do that."

Stuck record technique. No, I can't do it. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

She doesn't mind upsetting you. You are not being unreasonable so if she gets upset about it, that's on her, not on you.

JWhipple · 29/09/2024 17:11

Tell the nursery/school you aren't able to collect her children any more and want records updating to reflect this.

Practice saying no. Doesn't matter how pushy she gets or what bullshit she spouts. Say no. just the word on its own if you have to.

She gives you no explanations,.shows no consideration for you. So why do you feel obliged to? Say no. Realise there's a reason she has no friends. Enjoy your spare time.

loropianalover · 29/09/2024 17:11

Voted YABU because you really need to get a grip and take control of your life. Who cares if you have to see her at the school gates? She’s an embarrassment. Give her a withering look and turn away.

You’re obviously not going to be helping her with work or minding her kids multiple times a week. Laugh at her and tell her she’s ridiculous. Because she’s laughing at you right now.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 29/09/2024 17:13

Be less available.. Tell school you want off the collection list.

Jjandboom · 29/09/2024 17:41

I totally agree I've been a wet wipe here! I just found it so hard to say actually no! When she's spurting off at me telling me what she wants me to do I'm so in shock to be honest !
She's a fair bit younger than me, and it does show. She needs to learn some lessons in friendship that I learned. I honestly don't mind helping as I need help too sometimes but it's so so one sided I'm exhausted. I've also had health issues of my own and work too, I just don't need it any more. Just need help on how to say bye Felicia 🤣🙈

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 17:44

Just need help on how to say bye Felicia 🤣🙈

It's really not funny that you're such a doormat, and why you're concerned about being "kind" to this horrible woman is beyond me. Tell her to never contact you again and block her.

yeesh · 29/09/2024 17:46

You don’t need to be kind, you need to tell her to fuck off. She is bullying you and you are letting ffs

Jjandboom · 29/09/2024 17:47

Because, I don't really want to have hate in my life and just rather be the bigger person here to be honest. Not everyone wants a big bust up. I just want out, politely. If I didn't have to share a class with our daughter's and what not it would be alot easier but I do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 18:36

Jjandboom · 29/09/2024 17:47

Because, I don't really want to have hate in my life and just rather be the bigger person here to be honest. Not everyone wants a big bust up. I just want out, politely. If I didn't have to share a class with our daughter's and what not it would be alot easier but I do.

No one is saying you have to be horrible and rude. Telling her you no longer wish to be friends or spend time together is not rude. It's the truth and you're being honest. What one doesn't do is continue to be involved with someone who is horrible just because they can't handle confrontation so they choose to be a doormat for the rest of their life. Think of the example you're setting for your daughter.

IsawwhatIsaw · 29/09/2024 18:42

You call her a friend- she really isn’t one at all.she’s a user and you need to distance yourself asap. No drama needed

CynicalSunni · 29/09/2024 19:12

I mean if you say no more than once and she keeps asking you feel you have to come up with an excuse its awkward i understand that.

I deal with that situation by staring at them sort of quizically after the umpteenth request then just walk away with no words.
They have your answer theu just trying to wear you down. Dont give her the time of day.

AlertCat · 29/09/2024 19:21

“I’m sorry but this friendship isn’t working for me any longer. I can’t do all the things you want me to and I don’t want to be constantly asked for favours.”

Won’t be easy, but like ending a relationship that’s not working I bet you will feel a massive relief once you’ve done it.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 29/09/2024 19:21

She’s clearly not a friend though. Just an acquaintance that is using you. No need for tact and diplomacy here!

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