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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Family’ make me feel so rejected

17 replies

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 10:37

I’m an only child
mother has many siblings/half siblings
i Have cousins etc
I’v always tried to make an effort having gatherings etc but it’s just never reciprocated and I’m fed up
my mum does have mh difficulties as do some of my Aunty and it means they don’t steal to each other at times
I feel I have no family at all aside from my mum who is immobile and has needs which sometimes makes it feel I’m more her carer
I have no one I can drop in on or to check on me
I try and reach out to other family members but get rejected a lot
I’m sometimes invited to things but it’s always as an after thought or last minute
I feel so hurt I do feel like taking them off social media but maybe this is petty
an example is they held a part for my grandad (not my mums dad) they invited me seperately near to the date but I wasn’t on the family WhatsApp invite
I gave my cousin tickets to an event she didn’t even respond or say thank you
I have a dd13 and I feel like I shouldn’t completely cut ties because of this but it hurts me when I see things and everyone having a family that I don’t have
I’m single and I don’t have a dad I feel very isolated and constantly diwn
I don’t even know how to change it all as I feel I am not worth anything

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 29/09/2024 11:08

Do you have friends? Just because someone is genetically related to you doesn't mean that they will automatically be your friend.

Maybe put your effort into developing relationships with people you have shared interests with, and actually like.

Rather than happen to be related to

Cynic17 · 29/09/2024 11:10

These people are quite remote from you, biologically speaking. What about your friends? They are so important in anyone's life and - best of all - you get to choose them!

AnnaMagnani · 29/09/2024 11:17

I think you are trying to make your family, some of whom are quite distant relatives and have poor mental health, take up the role of friends and partner.

You have your mum and your DD. Make your own relationship with your Grandad without having to go through them.

But really you need to focus on building your own network of friends, neighbours, possibly a relationship as your family aren't going to fulfil this.

Spenttoomuchagain · 29/09/2024 11:19

Families can be very hurtful OP.

Do you have friends? Personally I would look to developing your friendships.

I allowed my interactions with my family make me feel worthless and rejected for years and years until I belatedly went nc with them. I can't tell you how much better I felt when I did this. A real sense of relief. I'm not suggesting you go nc but definitely stop having expectations of them. Stop giving them importance in your life when it is not reciprocated.

Develop your friendships and encourage your dd to do likewise. My ds has a really good network of supportive friends and the fact we no longer have any other family contact doesn't matter at all to him.

NoisyDenimShaker · 29/09/2024 11:21

I'm sorry about your lack of close family, OP. That does sound hard. I understand to an extent; while I grew up with a large-ish close family, the older generation has gone, including my parents, and the cousins have drifted away over the years. I have very little in common with them, and we all live really far apart. I also have no partner and no kids, although I do have a brother.

Here's my take: Family is only a good thing when they're a good family with whom you have things in common, personality-wise. Many families aren't like that. I think everyone would love a good, supportive family who gets you, but all too often, that's not reality. We worship family in our society, but actually a lot of bad behaviour and abuse goes on in the institution of the family.

So, like many, you're pining for what you do not have. While understandable, it won't get you anywhere. The only thing you can do is fill your life with other people. I get involved with things and do charity work, and you meet people through that, or other activities.

It's possible to have a really good life when not held back by family ties. When my marriage broke down and my parents died, in one way it was truly terrible to feel so alone, but in another way I felt like I had a blank canvas to design my own life. It was aloneness but it was also freedom. We did have some family issues that were pretty bad at times, and I don't miss that.

Best of luck!

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 11:37

Thank you for your responses

I do have friends I don’t feel close to anyone apart from 1 friend and I feel like outside of 2-3 friendships it’s just always me trying
I have had 3 close friendships with females end horribly and I always seem
to fall into the wrong relationships I just give up now
I just feel so lonely and isolated and feel so envious of people with family who pop over etc , it just seems to come so easy to some people

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 29/09/2024 11:47

Kindly comparing yourself to others isn't going to help.

You are in control of your life, and you make choices.

If you want to develop friendships, then you need to put time and effort into it. You say that you like organising events. We'll carry on doing that. But invite people you like, not just because you share a distant genetic inheritance.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/09/2024 11:50

A single parent group might be a good starting point for getting to know people.

AnnaMagnani · 29/09/2024 11:55

Have you had any form of therapy or counselling?

You describe yourself as feeling low, having a very dysfunctional family, feeling worthless and spending a lot of time comparing yourself to others.

I think it would really help you - I know one of the most valuable things I got from counselling was to stop comparing myself as it always makes you miserable and you never know what is really going on.

For instance one of those people with family might be comparing themselves to you and thinking 'I wish I was like @Onewishtoday with a small family. I've got my bloody family coming round today, expect they'll bully me again and expect 5* catering without lifting a finger to help' - only what you see is a group of smiling faces on Instagram looking like they had a great time.

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 12:22

No I haven’t I know I should
I think I have deep rooted issues around being abalones by my father and cared for by a mother who had significant mental health difficulties and was very angry I have felt isolated all my life and never really known how to address it
I do work and from the outside I probably look fairly happy I have friendships but I lack closeness

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 29/09/2024 12:46

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 11:37

Thank you for your responses

I do have friends I don’t feel close to anyone apart from 1 friend and I feel like outside of 2-3 friendships it’s just always me trying
I have had 3 close friendships with females end horribly and I always seem
to fall into the wrong relationships I just give up now
I just feel so lonely and isolated and feel so envious of people with family who pop over etc , it just seems to come so easy to some people

Not everyone has family popping over. It is what it is, as other people have suggested accept it and stop worrying about it.

NoisyDenimShaker · 29/09/2024 12:56

Yeah, and some people get really fed up with family popping over and find it very intrusive, especially if they're judgmental and the type to pass comments.

OP, I think you're imagining the perfect family. But it's much more common to have family problems than not, and sometimes they can be quite serious, not to mention extremely hurtful.

yeesh · 29/09/2024 13:05

Most people aren’t that close to their cousins as adults tbh especially when you add in half/step etc. I think maybe some therapy around your feelings from your childhood might help you not put so much pressure on the idea of a perfect family, this just doesn’t exist

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 13:24

Well they are very close to each other and often attend family eve hrs together

OP posts:
SnackSnack · 29/09/2024 13:44

I know exactly how hurtful this can be. I'm sorry to hear they won't bother with you. You've done nothing wrong and it says a lot about them.
My parents and wider family never bothered with me and I found trying hard made me feel worse so I went NC. It took them a while to realise but by the time they did it was too late. I am much happier, albeit, still a little unconfident around acquaintences.

My church is now my family and they provide enough interaction for DC not to feel isolated. Religion is not for everyone, I understand but joining some sort of group may help you fulfill what an extended family gives. Whilst you won't get the unconditional support lots of families have you will have some social outlet.

Kitkatfiend31 · 29/09/2024 14:38

Onewishtoday · 29/09/2024 11:37

Thank you for your responses

I do have friends I don’t feel close to anyone apart from 1 friend and I feel like outside of 2-3 friendships it’s just always me trying
I have had 3 close friendships with females end horribly and I always seem
to fall into the wrong relationships I just give up now
I just feel so lonely and isolated and feel so envious of people with family who pop over etc , it just seems to come so easy to some people

I think it's difficult when you clearly want quite a lot from a friendship and others are happy to just see you whenever suits. Focus on being busy with some groups or classes. Maybe do something with your daughter to have a new shared hobby. If you are more relaxed with people you might then find friendship develops. It's hard but you can't make other people be who you want them to be.

hattie43 · 29/09/2024 17:18

I think coming from a distant family is more common than you realise OP. You aren't alone and fill your life with other people .

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