To feel that friendships shouldn’t be prioritised over romantic relationships?

[OpenPombear]

I feel like some people place their friends above their romantic partners, even in serious relationships. AIBU to think that romantic relationships should take precedence?

Nope.

Chicks before dicks ✌️

(In all seriousness though, if you are a woman, you should guard against putting a relationship before your friendships in all circumstances. Sometimes, sure, but absolutely not every time.)

Can you give a specific example?

It's healthy to have lots of different people in your life.

Sitting at home watching TV with partner versus seeing friends for an event. Not healthy.

Going out with friends when partner is seriously ill in hospital. Not healthy

Example?

Dishwashersaurous is right. It all depends on context. If you are in a vulnerable situation and your partner is going off to enjoy themselves with friends regardless, that's not on. But if you are being made to feel you should sit at home all the time, just to be together, when you could be out cultivating friendships and would like to, that's not good either.

I don't think most people can get all the things they need from one person. Friendships are really important and it's important not to neglect them when you get into a relationship.

In fairness, lots of people on Mn struggle so much with friendships, or are so misanthropic, and regard being married or in a longterm relationship as the perfect excuse to clam ‘DH is my only friend’ and ‘All I need is my own little family’. I can easily imagine those people would have no idea what ordinary friendships might look like, and would regard a partner seeing friends as them being deprioritised.

@StrawberrySquash makes an important point too — good friendships feed a relationship/marriage.

In what way? Do you mean that if you have already planned to meet up with a friend but then your partner/husband/boyfriend arranges something for the same time, you should always pick the romantic partner over your friend? If so, I disagree.

I definitely prioritise my relationship over friendships. If you’ve got a strong group of friends or strong individual friendships I suppose they will be more important to you in general, but I’ve never been in that situation.

I can’t really think why you would ‘prioritise’ your friends over your partner in general. Of course if a friend needs you for something, is having an emergency… but I would never prioritise a friend overall.

I can’t really think why you would ‘prioritise’ your friends over your partner in general. Of course if a friend needs you for something, is having an emergency… but I would never prioritise a friend overall.

My close friends mean as much to me as my husband does to be honest, it's a shame for people who have never had friends like that I suppose.

Why is there a need for one to take precedence over the other?

What do you mean by romantic relationships? Together 3 weeks or married 20 years with kids?

In general I’d say maintain those friendships as generally they’ll outlast the relationship. So many times I’ve seen people drop their friends as soon as they get into a relationship and then wonder why everyone has moved on when it fails.

Well if you're dating 'intentionally' in old fashioned or religious circles, you are thinking of the person you're dating as someone to form a unit with, seeing each other through births and deaths and so on. There's something incestuous/gang-like about 'auditioning' your prospective partner and occasionally telling them off for not knowing their place relative to your good old friends. Luckily I got out of those. It really felt like waiting to be punished for not bowing down to the bros.

I used to have a boyfriend (a long time ago) who had loads of friends and never seemed to prioritise me. So I think YANBU if that's the sort of scenario you mean. It would help to have more info though.

Really disagree, friends are so important. You definitely shouldn’t prioritise a new partner over long standing friends. Once a relationship is serious and a few years in duration then I think both are equally as important as each other. Some friends I have as deep feelings for as I do my partner (obviously without the desire to have sex with them!) But it depends on the situation too - friend having a hard time and needs support? They take priority. Partner’s birthday? That’s the priority on that day. But in a general sense for me they’re both an equally high priority.

Surely both are important. I’ve known people who ditch friends in favour of partners and can end up isolated in my opinion. I’ve met older couples particularly who do everything together. Claustrophobic, but each to their own …

Surely if you view marriage as a ‘till death do us part’ gig, you should be auditioning all the more strictly for a good fit with all parts of your life?

Especially as, if you’re lucky, those friendships will still be there long after Travis runs off with a waitress.

I think people who are successful at maintaining friendships tend to do better in romantic relationships too.

Yet another contentious thread where the OP posts & doesn't come back

I think nurturing friendships is an important part of having a good life. I don't have a lot of respect for people who drop or start ignoring friends as soon as they get a new romantic partner for example. People with children should also make efforts to keep their friendships alive- otherwise they may find themselves quite lonely when their kids leave the nest (or simply start spending more time with their own peers), and they suddenly have a lot more spare time on their hands! It feels good to have ties to people you have chosen on purpose, and who have chosen you on purpose. It's life-affirming and enhancing.

However, I do think friendship as a concept tends to be a bit overhyped in Western society. You have all these TV shows about groups of friends who stay together through everything for decades, constant talk of "chosen families" being more important than blood families or romance... and in my experience that is simply not true to reality.

Most people's emotional lives are still occupied 80% of the time with romantic love ties, blood relatives and children. Friends do come, go and fade away a lot more easily than romantic partners, actually. I know a lot more people who are still together with their Uni sweetheart than people who are still in touch with a friend group from the same time period.

And friends are a lot less likely to be by your side consistently when things get tough. There are exceptions, of course, but largely I think it's true, simply because most people don't live with their friends, they live with their partners and families. Mumsnet is generally quick to advise leaving your husband, going NC with your family members etc, but I understand why many people are fearful of doing this, even in very bad situations, because loneliness is also very hard, and support from friends is generally just seeing you on a weekend and a phone call if you're lucky, while the rest of your life is left unmoored.

So I think it's also important to have a sense of proportion. Nurture and value friendships, but don't idealise them or give them more power over your life than they should have.

Ideally, you treat them with equal importance. Be aware of those people who say they "only" need their spouse/partner, and then death or divorce leaves them isolated and bereft. Friendships are vital.

Friendships tend to outlast romantic relationships... YADBU

I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to prioritise one over the other, can you elaborate?

That’s fair! I think it’s a case of ‘I can’t miss what I’ve never had’ maybe? So I just can’t relate to feeling as strongly about friendships as I do about my partner. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out anything because I’ve never really felt that longing for it, but I can understand why people with really strong friendships might feel like it’s a shame.

Sums it up brilliantly

I expect the friends to be free to run away to sea, join the army, marry an Australian and emigrate, have nine children of their own and no time. I expect a partner to be someone to make a home with. Of course if the partner is poly and all these people will be in the marriage in domestic ways that's another matter.