Can I do this?

[NeedsLast]

I have a dilemma and I don’t know what to do.

I was abused by my family of origin throughout my childhood and am NC, I have been for many years. I live in the same town as them and they immediately did a smear campaign on me and made up lies about me to justify me going NC. My name is pretty much mud. My family are well connected and their campaign of revenge because I went NC is still ongoing (years of it). They target every area of my life and ruin anything I try to build for myself. They also stalk me. It’s like I can’t escape their abuse.
As a result I’m diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and PTSD. I’m on medication to try and control it, I’ve been under the mental health team, but it hasn’t helped me.
I have no life at all. I feel like a prisoner in my home, suffer panic attacks and I don’t leave my house without somebody with me because I’m scared of my family. I don’t function. I put on an act for my children and then I sleep when they are at school. I’m a broken shell.

When I’m away from this town I’m a different person. I can function because I’m not looking over my shoulder and I feel like a weight has lifted and I’m free. It’s not perfect, but I feel much better. It’s living in this town that is keeping me in this state. As a result I really want to move away. DH also agrees.

The trouble is my children are very settled in school with great friends in good schools. If we move that would change and the guilt I feel is immense. I’m also unsure if one of my children would cope with that as they are shy, and also one of my children has started high school and I know moves are trickier then.

If you were my children (or have any similar experience) which would you prefer long term .

YABU - you would rather a mother who struggles with her mental health, has less money because can’t work because of mental state, but you have the stability of your good friends and you are in a good school.

YANBU - you would rather a mother who can function normally because the mental health triggers have been removed, have more money because potentially she can work again, but your life has uprooted and you may end up struggling yourself to make friends and have to go to a new school.

YANBU at all.

How old are the kids?

we moved tows but kept the children at the same school. Is thag an option? How far away are you looking? The journey was just above 30 mins mainly motorway.

I'd move, and it's good your DH is on board. Your children must know what's going on (whether you like it or not).

Is the stalking physical or online/phones etc?

They are in Year 3 and year 7 at school.

This wouldn’t be an option for us because of the stalking. It would need to be a clean break or stay really.

Move. Please move. It might be disruptive but the impact on you will be worth it. Sending love.

Move away and as far as possible. Build a wonderful life without the worry. Your kids will be fine. I’d be concerned that these people who you are related by blood to will go after your kids eventually. They could try and turn your kids against you and/or harass them like they do to you. Get away and silently so.

It’s everything. It was online so we had to come off all social media.
Then it was abusive messages, repetitive phone ringing etc. I should have gone to the police, but didn’t because of the fact I was so conditioned to expect abuse and they were family. So that resulted in changed phone numbers.
Now it’s physical stalking, but deniable. They know I suffer with my mental health so tell people I’m paranoid to silence me. They smirk at me if they see that I’ve seen them. It’s a lost battle.
Its resulted in a very small life for me.

This is exactly my worry.
They have ruined my life, I don’t want them to have the opportunity to ruin my children’s lives too.
But then I’m worried I will ruin their lives myself by moving.

You can and should still go to the police op. Before considering moving. You shouldn't need to move, although I understand why you want to.

The trouble is their smear campaign is far and wide. My family have a face for the world that is different to the one they show me. People think they are great and because I’ve become a wreck because of them, people believe the problem must be me. It’s a living hell. It’s like being gaslit in all directions.
They deny they stalk me. There isn’t any proof without me looking like a stalker instead, because the only way I would get proof is by photographing them.

Absolutely move. My mum moved me to a different country to escape DV. I was 11. Beat decision ever and while I missed my old school, I settled in and made new friends with relative ease. I am autistic and don't click with people easily and I was still fine.

Speak to the Police. Then move as far away as possible.

We moved with mine going until year 5,7 & 8 - they were all fine.

Year 7 & 8 has a lot of friendship changes so they won't miss out. I would do it ASAP.

Move - your children will most likely be fine. I moved schools in y5 and coped,and I was a very quiet child.
Please then seek support again for your mental health - don't discount previously unsuccessful forms of support, whether it be talking therapies, women's groups, or medication.
Be prepared to still feel under threat to some degree, as this may be a learned mind set,and understandably cause some paranoia.
I really hope things turn out well for you and your family. Does your DH share your fear of your family?

They're still young and would easily make new friends when moved...tell them they can keep contact via phone or occasional visits with friends (but I assure you they won't need to when settled) be honest with them and tell them you need to get away from your family as it's destroying your life. Surely when they see you thrive in your new surroundings they will understand. Go for it

I agree with @ButterCrackers. Even if they didn’t overtly target your children the abuse will trickle down to them. They will become more aware of what has been done to you. Other children are likely to hear the rumours which could make your target for bullying.

Move as far away as you can and start afresh. Just be careful your children don’t open the door to it continuing via their social media

@Catza Thank you for sharing your experience, that’s really reassuring.

@unsync I don’t really know where to start with the police. I’m not sure what they could do to help. What they do now is all deniable. I should have reported them before when it was all more visible.

@RandomMess Thanks for sharing your experience of moving with children, that helps to know that it can work moving high school.

@Imfreetofeelgood Thank you. I think I would probably get a better outcome if I paid for some therapy, if I move and could go back to work to earn money I think I would be able to do that. I think it would be easier when it’s a chapter behind me, rather than something I’m actively living now.
My DH doesn’t have the added complication of my anxiety and PTSD. He sees what they do, has also been on the receiving end of it all and sees the threat. But he comes more from a more rational point of view, rather than fear based like me. He sees it like ‘how dare they ….they are pathetic…. they need to get a life….feel sorry for them if they’ve got nothing better to do with their life ….. they only have power if you let them’ , but he also has a lot of concerns that they will start effecting the children too now that they are getting older.

@Safxxx They are aware my family aren’t nice people and have been unkind to me.
I just worry they will resent me for moving if they end up unhappy themselves.

@Lurkingandlearning Yes, this is something that worries me too.

Sorry that you've had such an awful life and are experiencing this.

I absolutely believe that a mother's health is extremely important as she is the one that holds the family together, without good health everything is affected.

By not being able to do normal things with your children it will have a knock on affect on them.

Imagine being able to go out and enjoy a day with your children not feeling scared, that would be an amazing feeling.

Your whole family will feel the benefit of a move.

I know all children are different, but in all honesty they really are very resilient, they do adapt well overall and will thrive if the family are happy and relaxed.

I have 5 grown children, I always wanted to move, over the years I found better homes more suitable for our needs, in nice areas, with more to offer young children, teens etc and more job opportunities but I was always afraid of them leaving friends, leaving the schools they were settled in, and guess what ? Friends have come and gone, not one has a childhood friend, they made different friends, they go to college miles away, they work in different cities, I'm here in a house that's not suitable in an area that has never changed and it's too late now. What I'm saying is, if something is going to be better for you in the long run, grab that opportunity, start enjoying life not being afraid, your children will adapt.

I'm glad your DH, though not having experienced your fear/trauma, does not sound dismissive OP, and is supportive. You can do this.

Move.

Your mental health will be impacting on the children whether you know it or not.

I wouldn't just drop this on them though, take a while to plan and move at the end of the school year.

Please move you having poor mental health will impact the DC more than moving away for a fresh start.

Move!

There's no harm in just talking to the Police, especially if you decide to stay. They told me they can put a flag on your address, so that if things escalate, they can respond appropriately. (My exH was abusive and there was Police involvement once we had separated).

If you decide to move, your children will need support to adjust. We moved to a new area when I was 14. In those days, there was no support and I was left to just get on with it. I think things might have been different for me if help had been available.

Having said that, I have now built myself a great life. I hope you can do the same for you and your family.