AIBU for finding this totally annoying?

[Flippingnora100]

DS is 14. He has a nice group of friends. All gatherings and sleepovers are always at one friend’s house. This friend is really nice, but very indulged, plus has lots of cool stuff at home. His mum is very nice, but also basically puts down no boundaries. Nothing I can do about that, but the thing that drives me crazy is that all the plans are made last minute with no set times for anything, so it really annoys me because I never know what time to pick up etc, meaning it’s hard for me to plan and organize my own time and the rest of the family’s time.

Example: today the boys had been messaging about going fishing. I kept telling my son to ask what time. We didn’t play tennis as planned because we weren’t sure what was happening. No one was really replying or making any concrete plans. Eventually at about 4pm, we assumed it wasn’t happening, so I texted the mum to say that. Ten mins later I got a msg saying they are motivating to go and to meet at the bottom of her road. (They live at the top of a huge hill with a windy road that takes forever to drive up). I took my son, with about an hour of daylight left. I had told him before we got there that he could not sleepover, since it had not been planned in advance. It’s happened before where the sleepover is sprung on me when I’m picking him up and I’ve had to drive home to pick up his stuff and drive it back. The mum said she’d drive the boys to fish and hang out there and wait, then I could pick up DS at the bottom of her road on their way back. Fine.

It gets dark. I’m waiting, not sure when to start cooking dinner. (DH is back today from a long haul business trip and my youngest DS is getting hungry and tired). Eventually I start cooking and I texted the mum to ask if all is ok as it’s dark and to ask what time they’ll be back as I need to make dinner. She replied about 10 mins later to say they were leaving the fishing spot and we agreed to meet at the end of her road 15 mins later. I abandoned dinner and my husband took over. I got there and waited. They pulled up: the mum with four boys in the car. One of my son’s friends then says he has a proposition for me. Can DS sleep over? I was annoyed that this was happening yet again. I pointed out to DS that he had none of his stuff and I was not going home to get it. DS said he’d really like to stay over if at all possible. I relented, but said he’d have to stay over with none of his things eg aligner etc.

I got home without DS. DH was annoyed with me for giving in. Argggghhh. I find it really difficult because I’m happy for my son to be included and I want him to have fun with his friends, but everything always happens at this one friend’s house and nothing is ever planned ahead of time. Eg DS is invited to go over there when I’m at school pick up and sleepovers are usually invited when I’m picking DS up after hanging out at their house. It’s not my son’s fault - he can’t control when he is invited. He has to wait to see what happens. This is why I feel torn. I find it thoughtless of the friend who does the inviting. I’m expected to just drop everything to ferry DS about at the friend’s whim. Now I’ll be spending Sunday wondering when I’m going to be summoned to pick DS up when I’ve got other things to do (including two businesses, another DS and a new puppy).

For context, my DS lovely. We get along really well and he also loves being at home. When he gets invited over there though, he usually really wants to go! They order pizza, play video games, stay up late and have lots of fun.

AIBU?
Yes - I should chill out and be more flexible like all the other parents seem to be.
No - I should tell my son this doesn’t work for me and maybe he should let him friend know that last minute invitations won’t always be accommodated.

The other family are going to continue to be last minute about everything as it suits them and everyone is going out of their way to enable it. If you and some of the others in the gang say "no" they might start planning things a bit more.
Do also consider the friendship power dynamics here. If your DS's friend just someone who is very last minute or impulsive is it intentionally done for control?

Thanks all. We do live in the middle of nowhere - in the jungle near the beach. There is no public transport. I think childhood is prolonged here - my son hardly ever ventures out alone and all the kids get driven around. This particular friend lives on top of a really high hill and the road to get there would be lethal on foot. I agree, I can’t tell the friend/friend’s mum how to do things, but I can leave the planning of things to my son and say no if the last minute plans don’t work for me. I agree also with sending him with a toothbrush.

Part of the problem is that my son never checks his phone, so never knows what’s going on and it’s hard to make plans with him directly. I think we should talk to DS about our boundaries and insist that he hold some boundaries with this friend as well as checking in properly with us when he’s out, so I don’t have to text the mum to find out if he’s awake yet etc.

I think there might be bit of a control thing going on with the friend. He is a sweet boy, but he calls the shots of who is invited. Everyone wants to go to his house because it’s cool. He’s an only child so I think the friends are brought in to keep him company - fair enough - but there’s something about it that feels a bit excessive to me. Eg the mum flew a bunch of kids to Disney in California over the summer. On an upcoming multiple family trip, the mum is going to drive all the boys there (including boys whose families aren’t even going) and have them all sleep in their cabin. On another occasion, the mum flew a bunch of boys to our capital city for a long weekend. My DS went on none of these things - we usually make our own plans. It sounds like I’m jealous, but I don’t think it’s that - I find the excessiveness mildly annoying, even though it’s very generous. This boy is nice, but there’s something about it all that doesn’t sit right with me.

I found this difficult in the early teen stage and in the end I made it clear to teen DC that I wasn’t going to change plans at short notice; if they didn’t want to come home at the time I said it was convenient to collect then either they didn’t go or they could ask friend for a lift

I think you really should relax a bit and stop making this into such a drama. Your done is 14 and doesn't need to be impacted by your desire to be so organised to such an extent. So what if he hasn't got his overnight things?

It is annoying. Whilst some of what you are talking about seems specific to where you live - we have some of this with our 14 year old. They missed a couple of crucial years to COVID. Last year of primary, first year of secondary - someone here described it as the bit when they go from playing out to hanging out. They missed some scaffolding into independence and consequently they are rubbish at it.

So I am much more involved in his social life - ferrying about, worrying he isn't seeing friends, communicating with parents etc than I want to be. And much more so than with two year older DC who had years 7 and 8 disrupted - that was catastrophic to her learning/ feelings about school but not so much the social side.

There will be some fascinating social science from 2030s onwards unpicking what having year X of your development disrupted does to you. Though maybe it will all have come good by then.

Not sure about the over the top largesse - that's nuts. I've never really come across this dynamic. The only v. Rich person I know is a very close friend so somehow I'm fine with her paying for meals, holidays etc. She can and she values my company so I take it and enjoy it and acknowledge that she's doing a really nice thing. And let her know I'm not taking it for granted.

Maybe try and find that kind of vibe for them.

OK: thanks all for your input. This is my plan:

Talk to DS. I think we both need to talk about what happened and our non-negotiable needs and make a plan - something along the lines of: from now on, I won’t get involved in helping him make plans with friends. He can do that himself and I’ll tell him when I can and can’t pick up and drop off, so he can plan accordingly. If he wants to see his friends, he’ll have to find a way to put more pressure on them eg my mum can only take me at X time. If they are all motivated enough, they’ll work it out. If not, then my son will have to gravitate towards friendships where it’s more balanced and his needs/requirements will have more sway.

All this is foreign to me. I was getting the train to London by myself at 11 (which looking back now, was crazy). Maybe I’ve over-corrected as a parent and kids generally today are a lot more coddled than Gen Xers. We were left to get on with it.

From reading the posts, it also seems to me that many of the currently capable and independent 14 year olds mentioned are girls.

Yabu to have ‘relented’ and let him go. You’d told him no in advance then you caved. I understand why but you’re showing him that your decisions aren’t final, he can override them when you were clear that it was going to be a no. I think that’s not ideal.

@Cherrysoup You are right. I don’t normally back down. It was the being put on the spot and the fact that his friend asked me and they’d all clearly planned it and the hope in my son’s eyes. I felt like I’d be an ogre if I said no. But I will toughen up. I’m not normally so lame!

. It’s not my son’s fault - he can’t control when he is invited.

This is the thinking that is causing you so much aggravation.

You are trampling over your own boundaries. You said no sleepover and then relented.

Part of the problem is that my son never checks his phone, so never knows what’s going on and it’s hard to make plans with him directly.

I'd don't see this, I think the problem is that there are no consequences for your DS because you drop everything to ferry him around. If his lift depended on it, he would soon start to look at him phone.

Good luck in getting it sorted. Oh, and it's good to show your son by example that it's not ok to be at someone's beck and call.

I dont think you're lame at all

I think you're a lovely Mum

I think. ....get a few boundaries in place with your DS and jobs a good un

This sounds similar to one of my DDs friends although they aren’t rich. Invites are always on the spot or last minute which usually result in me having to decline (DD then feels sad as she is missing out). Once they were meant to be picking her up for a cinema trip, I could not get hold of them all morning so we went out. I then get a call saying they are on their way to pick her up - em no, we are out for the day now! I avoid making plans with them now as they either let us down or are very late.

I know a Mum like this but our boys are much younger than yours. I stamp it out. I’m in charge. I’m not having my evening meal dictated by a bunch of 14 year old lads and an another Mum.

The over the top largesse is really annoying but makes me think it's even more about a power imbalance (even if unintentional. Your DS wants to be in the inner circle so that he gets to be invited on one of those over the top trips. And those over the top trips are bound to be better than anything your family is doing on a given weekend I would expect! I might have some indirect discussions with your DS about buying friendships, power imbalances, what would he want a friendship to look like if he was the wealthy one and so forth.
Also, be really sympathetic and supportive when one of these trips is going on and he isn't part of it. Presuming they have social media, they will no doubt be posting all over social media about the trip which will just constantly rub your DS's face into the fact that he isn't one of the elect few. It is so different to when we (well, I) was growing up, you might know all of your friends were doing something but you weren't constantly being reminded

If your son doesn’t check his phone and misses out on plans that’s his problem.
He’s old enough to make his own plans without your input.
If he makes plans he needs to check with you if you’re free to give him a lift. If you are great. If not he doesn’t go. It’s that simple

This!

@sangriaandsunshine Yes - you’ve nailed it. I’m not sure the power imbalance is intentional, but it’s there.

He’s back. We negotiated the pick up time. He asked for 3pm. I said no, 12.30. He asked if I could drop his friend home. I said no.

We just had a great chat and both understood each other’s point of view.

We agreed:

1. Make plans ahead of time. If it’s last minute and not convenient, we’ll say no.
2. Specify a pick up time ahead of time.
3. If he waits until I get there to pick him up to ask for a sleepover, the answer will always be no.
4. We will communicate together and try not to involve the mum.
5. DS will try to be more boundaried with his friend and push his own needs onto him eg I can come between x and y times.
6. Bring toothbrush and aligners just in case.
7. DS will be more proactive about making plans. He doesn’t like his friends coming here because they make a mess, but they could meet up out and about-play tennis, go surfing, meet for food etc.
8. DS will respect our schedule. No mid-dinner pick ups.

He discussed how often a big mess is made at the sleepovers eg cooking cakes and covering the kitchen with mess etc. He pointed out that his friend doesn’t have any negative consequences or any work to do as the maid cleans everything up. At our house, he/his friends would have to clean up after themselves, which he actually agrees with, but it does put him off inviting his friends over here. Once, one of his friends threw food in the floor and stamped on it and DS really didn’t like that.

He does think there’s an element of the friend buying friendships. He also discussed how he often says no to the sleepover invitations, especially when it’s a huge group because he doesn’t enjoy it that much. I’m glad he isn’t falling over himself to accept every invitation!

Thanks to those of you who were thoughtful/supportive!

Brilliant update @FFlippingnora100

Well done you and DS 👍

That sounds like a very sensible discussion OP, and like your son sees your point of view as well. Glad it went well.