Grandparent favouritism

[Grandmasfave]

My DM has 9 GC with a 12 yr age range. Two of them are the same age - DD’s of myself and DB2.

The girls are almost finished the equivalent of A levels (we are not in UK) and will start university next year.

DD has received unconditional offers to study law at her first and second choice universities. DN wants to do a different course and has an offer at her second choice but not her first (which is DD’s 2nd choice Uni). There will be further rounds of offers after results come out so the door is not yet closed.

My mother cannot separate DD’s achievement from DN’s disappointment. Even when speaking privately just to me she offered a very subdued and reluctant congratulations. DH and I agree that the scenario that would give her the most pleasure would be DN achieving something while DD missed out. If both achieved it she would be happy but would find a way to spin DN’s as somehow better.

DB2 has always been DM’s favourite and this has extended to his DC, but in a weird way where she views them as somehow disadvantaged and their achievements as more worthy of note. They are middle class children of two successful professional parents and live in a bigger/nicer house than mine!

The situation of having GC the same age is hardly unusual. How do other GP manage it? AIBU to expect her to be able to be happy for DD, even if she feels bad for DN?

I was that GC whose achievements my GM celebrated with thinly veiled disdain. Similar situation - my cousin had 2 professional parents, bigger house, more financial resources etc, but somehow her achievements were more worthy. We were in the same school year so GCSEs and A Levels were taken the same year and my GM was obviously pissed that I’d outperformed her other GD. I was never really sure what the source of her general dislike for me was, but I’ve long suspected it was racially motivated (I’m mixed race and I don’t think she loved that). Anyway long story short, I cut her out of my life 10 years ago because she was generally a horrible person, although by no means am I saying that about your DM - just that there may be some other motivation behind why she feels it’s a lesser achievement for you DD.

I’d give your DD all the praise in the world and hype up her achievements massively because your praise matters more than anyone else’s.

Does your DN see her grandmother more than your DD? I suspect that either your dB or dn might make your mother feel bad if she gives too much attention to your dd. So she probably then feels guilty for even the most modest of praise. Your dn obviously feels in competition with your dd and unluckily for her she came out second which is making her feel bitter. Grandma feels she has to make more of a fuss of her to make her feel better. Ridiculous really.

What is her relationship like with the other 7?

@Freebumblebee I’m sorry you had a similar experience, it’s not nice at all. I have no idea what is behind it all. DH suspects that DM thinks DB2 is the smartest of her children so it rankles when his children are outperformed by mine and DB1’s. She isn’t a bad person but has a big blind spot when it comes to favouritism.

@Happiestwhen no she sees them about the same amount. She sees me a lot more than DB2 as is often the case with elderly parents and daughters I suspect. From now on I’m going to be deliberately vague about DD. That’s the thing - she asked whether DD had received an offer. I realise now she was hoping she hadn’t 😔

@ivykaty44 The rest are different ages so you can’t make the same direct comparisons as you can with DD and DN. But certainly DM has always been very keen to tell me how clever DB2’s kids are. Meanwhile one of DB1’s kids is an absolute genius and a delight and she rarely acknowledges anything he does.

YNBU to be hurt, but YABU to have expected any different.
Your mother has a lifetime of favouring your brother and then his children. This is who she is. You aren't going to change her at this stage in life so your best bet is to protect yourself and children by creating some distance. It may mean being less available, less open with sharing news, etc. but hoping for her to treat you better, to treat your child better, is only going to create more disappointment for you.

Does it relate to her childhood - was she the less favoured/had a bossy sister / were the DBs favoured in her family. I think this is often the case and what she does is unconscious but hard to change.

YANBU to be upset that your daughter isn't seen as favourably, but there could be bigger issues than this e.g. her giving lots of money to your DN to go through uni, but not your DD, so YABU to worry so much about it. A pp said that you're the most important one, so you celebrate your DD all you like. It isn't a competition between the GC and it's a shame if the GP make it one.

I had the same. I was the same age as my cousin and My Grandma was very disappointed that my poor cousin had to go to the awful local comp... that I was going to. I pointed that out and she said it was worse for him because he could have gone to a better school. I grew to really dislike her and spent very little time with her when I was old enough to have the choice. My Grandma on the other side thought that all her grandchildren were wonderful and I spent loads of time with her

I would expect a grandparent with a favourite child to treat the favourite child’s children as favourites. By offering your DD’s results, you are participating in a competition that you can never win - there’s nothing that dd can do to elevate her to favourite grandchild status and closing the gap between db2 and you.

Of course she should be delighted for both grandchildren but I guess in her mind, your child is competition of favourite grandchild and shouldn’t be outperforming the favourite grandchild because she doesn’t want to be wrong in which child she’s backing.