Mum puts other people down

[Jess92xo]

Sorry if this is not the right thread, I was unsure where to post it…

I’m finding it increasingly hard to spend time with my mum. She is in her mid 60s and in recent years has become quite negative, and at times depressed. She spends hours and hours on her phone and nags my dad non stop.

The main issue I’m finding is her constant putting down of others / commenting on their looks. Whether it’s someone she’s seen recently, a random person she barely knows that she’s nosing at on social media, the newsreader on tv etc. there isn’t a day spent with her where she doesn’t make a comment about someone’s looks.

She has never been very kind to herself and openly said how she dislikes things about herself (always looks related) when I was growing up which has affected me in the same negative way to the point where sometimes I wonder if I have body dysmorphia. I’m not blaming this entirely on her as a I think society has a lot to answer for in general with the pressure on women but it definitely has not helped.

I do sometimes tell her that she doesn’t need to say things like that out loud and she’ll always get stroppy and say “well I’m only saying it to you!” like that makes it ok. She also manages to twist it and make me feel bad and like I’m constantly picking on her.

The ironic thing is is that her own mum used to do this (but sometimes to people’s faces) and my mum was mortified. It’s like she is the same but thinks it’s ok behind peoples backs, and doesn’t even consider how it makes her sound.

I find it so embarrassing when she does it in front of my husband and it’s making me dread spending time with her when we’re with other people.

I find it plain nasty and it makes me dislike her as a person. I know that she must be unhappy deep down to act like this but I don’t want to outright say this to her.

I’m also due to have my first baby in two months and I’m so aware of not making the same mistake with making my child so aware of looks in a negative way. I will try to never speak badly of myself in front of him / her and definitely not others. I don’t want her doing this either.

I know that no one is perfect and we all make comments from time to time but it’s becoming draining to be around.

I struggle as I love her more than anything and she generally is a kind hearted person but really lets herself with this trait.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for, whether anyone has been through the same and how you deal with it?

She's obviously unhappy with herself and projecting it onto others. I've never known a single critical person who was happy.

It depends how you want to handle it. You could say something like "Mum I don't like it when you make comments like that and I'd like you stop." If she doesn't stop then leave. If you're on the phone, say you have to go, and put the phone down.

My parents and ILs are both a bit like this. It is not just about looks they just love throwing shade on anyone for anything.

It is draining and you have my sympathy because it can be hard to bring the energy back up. I sometimes change the topic or just mindlessly make actively listening noises without really engaging. I don’t really have any solutions, I can only say it’s relatively common.

Just tell her you don't want to hear her negative comments about people, it's not very nice. Didn't she ever tell you if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? It sounds like a habit she's got into and you need to break it - every time she does it, remind her it's not nice and you don't want to hear it!

My mum does this, it effected me a lot growing up too.

It is a bad habit and a bit like farting in public, sometimes it slips out, in which case we can politely pretend we didn't hear but if you are enthusiastically pushing and then giggle when you do it, well that's pretty gross.

So as PP say tell her it is mean and you don't want to hear it.

Could you speak with your dad alone and ask him what he thinks about her bitchyness and what's causing it?

Maybe it's his lazy arse and her being fed up being a skivvy? Does she still work, maybe it's too stressful and menopause is exhausting her?

Are there any other personality changes? Not sure what the signs of dementia are but it could be related?

She needs to get to the GP and get properly medicated.

In the meantime i would do as others suggest and refuse to listen to negatively.

I would try and instigate a convo about how she's feeling. But I don't know if she respects you enough to tell you the true answer. Sometimes patents don't. We will always be just children to them and advice isn't worth listening to as they don't respect our opinions

My mum could be a bit like this. It’s low self esteem I think, but it is so draining.

Just tell her to stop. Do you just sit there and nod along? Tell her ‘Mum, I have not the remotest interest in whether you feel Barbara at number Seventy-Two has let herself go, or how many stone you think Cousin Julia has put on since Easter’. Either she finds another topic of conversation, or you hang up or go home. Every time. The way you would reinforce behaviour with a toddler.