MIL BIL Drama

[alexis97]

Hi everyone,

I really need to get some stuff off my chest and find out if I'm being unreasonable.

BIL is an awful person, I have been part of this family over 5 years and it's getting to a point where I question if I can take it anymore.

BIL is a 30 year old grown man, but he is a total mammys boy and she fights his corner every opportunity. There's has been numerous times this boy has treated me and my husband terribly but we have to take it as a joke or we are being sensitive. Myself and my husband went through a terrible time financially when he left the army and this brother did nothing but tear us to shreds for having no money, took the mick out of our home our car. Bragged about so much. This man had nothing and fell on his feet and his fiancé pays for everything. We worked our asses off to get back on stable ground. I exploded when MIL said we were being sensitive and it was all a joke. The same thing has happened again recently. This man was so nasty to me personally and not my husband. They all went out on a family day out for DILs birthday and excluded me. BIL told me that it was him, his wife, their kid and they wanted to take my daughter, no mention that parents in law were going, I spoke to them on FaceTime in the morning saying my little girl was excited to got out with her uncle and they never said a word. They all went out as a family with my little girl and left me and my son at home posting photos in the family group chat which hurt my feelings a lot. Brother in law stood there and laughed telling me I wasn't invited. This same brother in law criticises my parenting at every opportunity, criticising how I live, my hours at work apparently I don't work enough, husband and I were talking about his paycheck to which he chimed in "oh she'll have that spent won't she" I have my own money... and then yesterday he asked my husband to bring our daughter over when he pops in, husband said no because daughter was settled and happy (suspected ASD) we didn't want to break her routine and she was all happy. He then said to husband "is she stopping you like" never have I ever stopped anyone from seeing my kids.. cherry on top of the cake today was we were invited for dinner and husband rang to cancel as he didn't want to go for the drama. I was then accused of cancelling it and it had nothing to do with me. Mother in law, father in law and brother in law all kicking off at me and blaming me when it had nothing to do with me. It's been ever since this family day out I've been treated so poorly, they've wondered why I've distanced myself. So now I'm the blame of the family falling apart because I've stood up for myself, apparently it's all jokes and it's up to me what happens in the future because I'm creating a wedge. I'm heartbroken... genuinely because I haven't done anything but defend myself. I love my husband but part of me thinks should I just leave for my sanity. Husband is also devastated. I text them all how I felt because all they do is twist words and I'm apparently hiding behind text. I'm really disgusted with how I've been treated. Can someone please give me some advice... thank you if you got this far :(

It sounds like no matter what you say they will twist it. No matter how justified, logical and reasonable, it doesn't fit their chosen view of you. Is your husband vocal in support of you to his family, because he needs to be. He needs to explicitly state that the problem is them not you. If they don't believe even then (can imagine they would skew it to their world view) it might be time to think of how often you and your family see them.

I think your DH should do more. He shouldn't be texting about how you feel but how he feels and why did he let them exclude one of your children (and you). How close do you live to them? Could you move away a bit? Or block them and ask your DH not to pass on any of the drama? Does he actually want to see them?

I'm not really sure why you are heartbroken. I would be heartbroken if nice people whom I wanted to have a relationship with were leaving me out. A bunch of twits who are vile can bugger right off and I won't care a bit. Delete family chat, ask your husband not to pass what they say about you and enjoy the peace.

Ok so they sound like an awful family your BIL especially but why on earth isn’t your husband doing more, standing up to his brother and putting him in his place same with his parents and why on earth haven’t either of you at some point not embarrassed the BIL massively in front of everyone and said that he has only got what he’s got because of his wife and that if it wasn’t for her it’s likely he would be living in his parents spare room.

You need to get your Hubby to sort his family out
Good luck OP

So your husband went on this family day out and took your daughter, but left you and your son at home and went along with his family in doing that? Have I got that right? How has he justified that to you?

Let DH deal with them but make it clear that he won't be using you as a scapegoat.

You have no need to be around people who bully you.

I would be wary of them bad mouthing you in front of DC though. If that starts happening then you may have to put your foot down further.

If neither you nor your husband like his family and both want to cut contact then why not just do that.
Stop responding, walk away, block them.
Its only a problem if DH wants to maintain a relationship with them no matter how poor that relationship is.

They sound awful, I know it feels horrible to be treated like this and it will consume you but you will get through this, distance yourself and your husband needs to stand up to them and set boundaries

Well they all sound awful so not sure why you're heartbroken or why you would want to have anything to do with them! Cut off all contact and let your DH deal with them, tell him you absolutely don't want to hear anything about what they've said or done.

Just stop seeing them, and tell your DH to stop telling you about them. He can take the children to see them whenever he wants to, you stop home and put your feet up. Block them on your phone so you don’t have them texting you.

Is your husband on their side or yours ?

If he’s on your side just move away. There is no reason to break up your marriage and separate causing turmoil for your kids. However, I’d put some distance between your family and them. Absolutely cut all contact with them.

If he is not, then perhaps consider a marriage counsellor first. Try and resolve things. At the end of the day the behaviour you’re dealing with is his family trying to break you up.

Hi OP, what you have described is not too dissimilar to what I'm seeing happening in mine and my in laws family. The single biggest eye opener I can give to you is that its all a set up, a set up to make you fail. They know you see straight through them and that probably bothers them. The fact that you generally stay quiet and try to plod along will be their bugbear because they want a reaction from you. But as I've learnt recently, when people weave a Web for you, you have to make them trap themselves in it. They didn't invite you and now you've distanced yourself, you haven't actually done anything wrong. They deliberately did you dirty. Now let them tie themselves in knots. Don't text, don't explain. Even if they blame you of breaking their family, remind them that they broke it themselves. I do understand the heartbroken element of it, but you have to be rational that these people would just keep coming after you, so let the distance (for your own safety) grow. People keep what they sow. If they wanted a happy tight bit family, their actions should have reflected this. But they have continuously poked you both to their amusement. Joke is on them now.

I’d just say to dh that my children and I won’t see them again, if he wants to take the kids to see his brother we can separate and he can do it on his time, and sit there and listen to his brother tell him how shit he is at relationships in front of his kids while his parents cheer their golden child on.

I had a similar situation with my in laws and suffered for twenty four years with a husband that would do absolutely nothing to put things right. We divorced and he stole money from them and then disappeared from their lives and mine and our daughter’s. Only then did they realise I had never stopped him from seeing them or our daughter. If your husband won’t sort this, leave, as honestly, it is not worth the aggro.

*people reep what they sow
*tight nit family

Apologies for the autocorrect x

I'm in distress with my own families situation but what I say and my welfare doesn't seem to matter. You must try to observe how you have been treated and rationalise it. Without that, you will keep going round in circles and wondering if you are to blame. I don't encourage shouting matches, best to do things quietly as possible. That way there may be a new found respect for your strength. I do believe that toxic people who support each other eventually turn on each other. They get bored and have to look for trouble. Move out of the way and see what happens x

Why can you not just go NC with them instead of breaking up your family? Ending your marriage so you don't have to see your in-laws is a bit extreme when you can just stop seeing your in-laws. Is your son from a previous relationship? If not, it's odd that they only invited their niece. But if he is then that's probably why only your daughter was invited.