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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be furious with my mother about this...

18 replies

rony · 21/04/2008 20:03

Dd (2.5) has been under the weather with a cold and molars coming through, was thinking of taking her to doctor tomorrow if no better but thought I'd see how she went today, as wasn't sure how much of it was actually just due to the teething and didn't want her to have an antibiotic unnecessarily.

Anyway, my mother came to visit today, always prone to making everything a drama anyway and always making out I'm a crap mother and doing everything wrong. She spent the whole day making pointed comments about dd being "so ill", every time I turned my back she was examining her, when they came back from the park dd said "please get me some medicine mummy" so clearly my mother had told her to tell me to take her to the doctor (which she admitted) Fussed and I mean REALLY fussed (all she said all day was "you poor little angel" over and over again) over her all day, and completely ignored ds (11 months).

Later my mother then actually started crying (!!!) in front of dd, saying "this child is really sick", was really upset for ages, as if she was at death's door ffs!! Then 10 mins before tea stuffed her full of sweets and then dd wouldn't eat any tea.

Made me really mad as I love dd dearly and would never neglect her health if she was really ill, as I told mum I will take her to doc tomorrow anyway, but ffs it's a cold kids get them, no need for such a drama! the whole day there was implied criticism that I was being neglectful as a mother.

She has always been like this since dd was born, I know she just loves her, but she also practically ignores ds much of the time, and am getting sick of the constant hinting that I am being a rubbish mother (and this from a woman who things car seats are ridiculous and practically force feeds dd sweets and chocolate all day).

Am I being silly to be so upset about this?

OP posts:
quint · 21/04/2008 20:05

Nope!

Lauriefairycake · 21/04/2008 20:05

She's awful.

You are not silly. And it's really stupid to fuss too much over minor illness and to start crying,

She's an idiot.
Hope your wee girl feels better soon.

SheWillBeLoved · 21/04/2008 20:08

YANBU - Fair enough making a fuss and spoiling her, it's what nanna's are for. But i'd be very pissed at her getting DD to beg you to get her medicine, feeding her sweets before tea, and crying in front of DD. Completely over dramatic. Infact if it was me, i'd have shoved her out and told her to come back when she'd calmed down.

TheArmadillo · 21/04/2008 20:09

Yanbu

your mother is overreacting to a ridiculous extent.

Twiglett · 21/04/2008 20:12

you can't take a kid with a cold to the doctor .. that's pathetic

Givemeasofthandledbroom · 21/04/2008 20:12

If your DD was so ill she needs a doctor what was your Mother doing taking her to the park?

Mother's have an amazing ability to make us feel crap and inadequate!

You are right, she is wrong!

WigWamBam · 21/04/2008 20:15

Your mother sounds like a real drama queen.

But there's no point taking her to the doctor - they can't treat a cold (antibiotics won't work for a virus).

rony · 21/04/2008 20:17

thanks everyone. she's always been like this, when dd was 2 days old we took her to visit MIL (5 minutes car journey) for a couple of hours and I overheard my mother bitching to my aunt that we were mad to take a newborn baby out in the cold, we were irresponsible blah blah. Er, and how do you bring the baby home from the hospital in the first place??

Every time i'm on the phone to her and one of them cries for any reason, she's like "what's wrong, what's wrong?" in this panicked voice!

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 21/04/2008 20:20

Have you ever told her to just mind her own business? I know it's your mother, but she's obviously getting to you, and for someone who cares so much about your kids - she should take a step back and worry about her own and see how much she is upsetting you by questioning your skills as a mother.

LittleBella · 21/04/2008 20:25

Wow, this is exactly how my mother would behave. In fact, every time one of my children is sick she implies that I am a feckless irresponsible parent by not calling the whole of the NHS to sort it out. It used to leave me furious and shaken that my own mother could be such a snide bitch, until I read this book

It sounds to me like your mother is a classic toxic parent; she is undermining you and emotionally abusing you by implying that you are an incompetent or neglectful mother, and you need to be able to arm yourself against her. This book will help you, please read it!

Janni · 21/04/2008 20:27

Your mum sounds like a real attention seeker.
Poor you.

rony · 21/04/2008 20:28

yes dh says I should stand up to her more often, he says if it was anyone other than my mother I wouldn't accept it. I do find it hard though. I did tell her to stop being so dramatic today.

Also very upset at the extent to which she clearly favours dd over ds - anyone else's relatives do this? Today she brought a present "for them both to share" some pencil crayons and a Dairy Milk bar oh yes very appropriate for an 11 month old.

when dd had gone for a nap today she stood around going "what can I do now?" so I just said well why don't you play with him for a bit and left her with ds - otherwise I think she'd have just ignored him.

OP posts:
rony · 21/04/2008 20:35

thanks littlebella that book sounds fascinating, I will definitely give it a go.

why do parents always have this knack of making you feel like a child again?

LOL at NHS comment! what's worst with mine is that she used to be a doctor's receptionist so thinks she is a medical expert - but actually isn't at all!

OP posts:
oxfordmcboing · 21/04/2008 20:40

interested in this.....did your mother fuss and worry over you in a similar fashion when you were small....is she trying to compensate for not fussing over you when you were little. what makes her tick as a person, is she highly emotional involved with everything and enjoys high drama...i dont think its healthy for your daughter and i would be really cheesed off about the indifference towards your son

bergentulip · 21/04/2008 20:42

Ugh. My MIL, if on the phone, will refuse to take the conversation any further if she hears one of my DSs whining / crying in the background. Insists I have to go and take care of them- immediately!

Seriously. They can cope 3 minutes without me. Why can't she just take my word for it that they are tired/hungry/hyperactive/vying for attention.... ggggrrrr.....

rony · 21/04/2008 20:49

interestingly I don't remember her fussing over me much when I was little. maybe she is compensating for it. she is definitely emotional and loves dramas. Her speciality is guilt trips. Dh thinks she's completely barmy and has as little to do with her as poss.

I agree it's not healthy for dd, also dd can be very prone to whining a lot even when not ill and we try to chivvy her along and be positive as much as possible, of course I'm sympathetic and caring with her too, but often distraction is what she needs not doom and gloom! (and interesting how the sweets soon perked her up)

of course my mother thinks dh and i are cruel hard people for not indulging her every whim!

OP posts:
NotABanana · 21/04/2008 20:51

Some people.

My MIL has ignored my text that I'm worried about DS2. They are all annoying in their ways!

PotPourri · 21/04/2008 20:59

Rony. YANBU. You sound very caring adn very reasonable. I think your mum is trying to build herself up as a fantastic person who is sooooo caring - when in reality she clearly isn't, she's not thinking of you ro your DS.

Personally I would have told her to go away by lunchtime if she had been doing that - or would have gone out somewhere that she wasn't invited - e.g. a friends for lunch and say you had forgotten!

Keep away from her in future when there is a route for her to fuss.

It is not good for children to be fussed over. Next time your DD has a scratch she will act like her leg is spurting blood all over the place - and that is because she has been taught by your mum to over react.

Stand tall, you're doing a great job

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