How to help my husband? Anxiety

[Proudestmumofone1]

My husband works in an incredibly high pressured, stressful job where the demands on him have continually increased as redundancies have been made to other staff. He is continually being told how valued and essential he is etc, but his pleas about managing the workload have not led to change.

he has a long history of anxiety and panic attacks (medicated) but in our 10 years together, think he’s probably taken 3 sick days (for flu etc). He’s an exceptionally hard worker who is dedicated to his job.

However, he is falling apart. He had a panic attack at work this week and had to leave. He hasn’t been able to eat / sleep.

The situation is slightly more complicated in that I have complex medical and health needs (registered disabled to give indication of the support I require) and we have a 3 year old so he definitely has to do far more at home than the majority of the posts I read about DHs! He’s the most phenomenal hands-on, fully committed and devoted dad (and DH but seems beside the point!) Ultimately, our daughter needs him well.

We know he has a good sick leave policy, it’s a huge corporate company, but not the details as he hasn’t wanted to log on to the system.

AIBU to support him to decide to go on work related stress and anxiety leave?

if not, and you agree with my view he needs to prioritise himself and his own mental health (not the needs of the company) , do you have any advice about how to do so?

He saw the GP and logged it as stress/anxiety, but also spoke about feeling physically unwell (which we can now see is the anxiety from not eating , sleeping etc).

A few years ago, I suffered a mini breakdown due to anxiety-started having panic attacks, sleeplessness, which progressed to suicidal thoughts. The best thing I did was take some time off and see my GP to discuss counseling and medication options. Luckily I already had a week’s holiday coming up so that was great for relaxing too, but I think I’d have soon got back into the same state if I hadn’t already started on medication and had counseling booked.

We’re in the US so pay for counseling regardless-but if you can afford it, I wouldn’t wait for NHS counseling, get some names of counselors who specialize in anxiety disorders/workplace stress from your doctor and go private. You don’t want to wait until he gets worse.

Re. Medication. He may not be keen, but a low dose of an anti-depressant that also treats anxiety can work wonders (for some people). I was put on 20mg Escitalopram, later reduced to 10mg. I could think more clearly as the anxiety was no longer overwhelming. I came off after a while, had a wobble last year and went back on 10mg.
Good luck with everything. 🤣

Tell him to go on sick leave.
Take a break and look for another job.

I've worked at places where people that have got used like this and have had heart attacks, mental breakdowns and committed suicide.
Companies didn't care when they did die.
They are just using him until he burns out and then they'll line someone else up to use and abuse.

Sorry, I just saw that he’s already on medication.

I agree with @Justice4Friend that some workplace just burn people up and spit them out so if he feels that this isn’t the right environment for him, he should definitely start job hunting while he’s on sick leave. Also, some people are simply better-suited to high stress environments and there’s no shame in not being that type of person.

My DH works in a high-stress profession and it works for him, because he’s always been a very laid-back person about everything in life, he very rarely gets anxious about anything. Whereas I’m a more of a worrier and would implode doing his job! But I’m far better in other areas than he is-we all have our strengths.

Super helpful reply (both posters actually, thank you!)

yes he is, but it hasn’t been reviewed or even monitored for 5 plus years so we have booked a private psychiatrist appointment to review as I’m sure his doseage / type etc needs changing - so thank you, I do agree.

Thank you - you are completely right and seeing it in black and white makes the reality of how this could progress really eye-opening.

This is exactly his industry and I could not bare for him to deteriorate mentally and physically for the sake of their annual profit. Unfortunately he’s been looking for a new role for a long time, but the country’s financial economy means there is limited recruitment currently. But, his health has to come first.

He needs long term sick as he is at breaking point.
He needs to repair.

What medication is he on?

I hope his company are as understanding of him after they've worked him to the bone.

I can't believe I forgot about this.
A couple of years ago I worked somewhere, a man that worked for a sister company got cancer, he felt bad! So, kept working. He deteriorated and took time off as sick and died during that period.
His manager whinged to me he didn't leave notes!

I've contracted in a lot of places - I've met a lot of 💩 management.

You’re totally right.
It’s horrific - he is so calm and relaxed in nature (and coped in this well known horrifically challenging industry for 15 plus years) but just physically can’t do it all …he is not a complainer and is very much someone who is heads down and ‘gets on with it’

he’s rushing home to be able to bath and bed for my daughter as I can’t lift her at that time of day. Then grabbing a snack and working till 12pm. Then back to leaving the house for 6am again. Just unsustainable so it’s actually no surprise this has happened….

Hes terrified of the implications of them not being supportive and it negatively affecting his career, but stress leave is very common in hos company so I hope they are supportive.

I was in a similar situation 10+ years ago. I had to be convinced by drs to take a week off sick, but once I was off, I never wanted (or did) go back.

When I was off and at my lowest, work couldn’t give a toss about me. They also blamed me because I was apparently not telling them how stressed I was…was a real punch in the guts but a good life lesson to learn.

He probably can’t think straight at the minute but once he gets some proper rest, he’ll be able to see what’s happening to him and the importance of looking after himself.

Get a GP to sign him off. He might be able to self-certify as sick for the first week. Make sure work related stress is on his fit note. Longer term, if it’s a corporate firm, does he get health insurance or illness cover (where they’ll pay eg 75% of his salary if he’s off for over 3 months)?

it look me 2+ years to recover from my burnout, so it won’t be easy, but is also won’t be possible while he’s still working.

Sending so much strength your way. Hope you can convince him (until he can see it for himself).

Agree with the posters above. Also, what would happen if he didn’t do work in the evening? Would he not be able to get his tasks done in time? Is this a culture of his company? Is he a perfectionist and feels like he has to? counselling (look up BACP website for accreditation) could really help explore his own feelings and expectations on himself around work. He sounds an
amazing person who is giving so much of himself to others hes got nothing left.

Can you afford a home help or someone to help you in the house or with your dd?

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through this, but glad to hear there is light at the end of the (very long) tunnel.

Yes he definitely has pay for a certain amount of time, he will have to log in to work to see the policy to find out what. But it will be a good / substantial package.

Hes very worried because we have a huge mortgage and outgoings but I want to take on additional work to support. We will make that side work somehow.

Thank you.
i will do that for therapy.
It is the complete expectation of the culture to do ‘whatever is needed’. When I’ve just just don’t do it, he responds well then I won’t be able to do xyz tomorrow and xyz is needed by x.
Youve sumed it up perfectly - he gives everything to everyone. Time he prioritises himself… ❤️

Luckily we do have a full time nanny mon - fri. But he still takes on the weekend load. We could look at getting some weekend help (I just need another pair of hands when I’m with DD) to ease the load … thank you, good idea.

When DH went through something similar a few years ago. What really helped him was talking through a plan B. The GP signed him off and we, along with DH's parents helping out, got our house ready to put on the market. Had a big clear out and did some decorating.

The idea being that if DH was unable to go back, we would put the house on the market and use some equity to pay for a year's rent to buy some time and move to a lifestyle that my lower income could sustain. In the end we didn't need to, but I think knowing that he was much more to our family than a financial provider and that I didn't expect that of him really helped.

A tiny point but can your nanny do the bath in the day so he doesn’t have to rush home to do it? Baths don’t have to happen before bed. And a three year old doesn’t need one every night. Just a small thing like that might help a bit.

Have him start documenting his panic attack episodes as well and any work-related causes if he isn't already. It really helped me get proper treatment when my anxiety and panic attacks became debilitating

If you are registered disabled and he works for a large corporate, it might be worth looking for a carers policy when he looks for the sickness policy. He just has to be bold enough to ask for it to apply to him. At my company this can mean adjusted working hours, more wfh , increased flexibility to attend appointments etc. He should also join a union.

Your DH sounds like a workaholic. His self esteem is wrapped up in his job.
He needs a different job is the answer - or a demotion with less responsibility.
He sees himself as indispensable and needing to rescue the work.
Unfortunately companies love those types of employees but they do let them soak in their own bad juice. That sort of employee complains loudly a lot, but does nothing really to change their own life. Anxiety and insecurity about their performance actually makes them actually work harder!
I suspect your DH has nothing much outside work - has he a hobby or friends?
Whatever it is, his body is giving him a message he needs to listen.
His company will offer counselling too which is confidential.

I was like your husband, and when it got too much is was the changing of everything.

I got signed off by my GP, and I began cognitive behavioural therapy. It gets a bad rap as so many people see poorly qualified therapists, but I was working in mental health at the time, and saw one of our psychologists. He very quickly identified the patterns and beliefs that I had fallen into since childhood, and gave me strategies and homework to deal with my panic attacks and eventually my anxiety. This was in the early 1990s

No exaggeration to say it changed my life. I learned to own my part of the shit, say 'no' at work, and was back at work within 2 weeks.

The PP above me sort of gets it, in that your husband's self-esteem doubtlessly is wrapped up in his job. But the solution is not a change of job, it's a change of his inner self, so that he is able to separate his self-esteem from his job performance.

For me, the important part of CBT was that it gives you tools for a lifetime, and by using them you do get better and better all the time. For instance, I was once permanently depressed, and now I'm an annoying optimist. But also, I don't get panic attacks or anxiety - and haven't done since the early 2000s.

His self esteem is wrapped up in his job.

@Seaweed42 So many people fall into this trap, but when we step back and look at the bigger picture, being a successful doctor/lawyer/accountant, etc. really isn’t the be all and end all. Being happy, healthy and fulfilled is far more important than your profession-yes, we still need to pay the bills, but not destroy ourselves in the process.

I wondered how things are this week?

Maybe he needs to look at changing jobs.

Hello you lovely lot.

Apologies for not replying - found all the messages extremely useful, thank you.

Couple of responses -
oh he definitely wants to move jobs. Unfortunately he’s been looking for ages and the financial climate is very difficult for recruitment in his industry. We’ve been discussing transferable skills etc but it is hard as he’s been in same industry since leaving uni and it’s quite specific. But definitely definitely on our radar, thank you.

Hobbies etc - considering our situation, it is great that he does have hobbies and a good social network. He lovessss golf and this is a huge destress for him. We see joint friends and family every weekend and he also sees his uni friends for dinner / drinks fairly regularly. Our family is super super close and supportive which definitely helps too.

carer - this was a really helpful point I discussed with him. However the only accommodation he can get is 2 days a year of leave (which he’s used for my surgeries etc). To be fair to his work, they are accommodating when ‘shit hits the fan’ and I’ve been unexpectedly super super ill - more time off, flexi hours or wfh. But doesn’t seem to be any long term adjustments…

Importance of job - couldn’t agree more, wellbeing has to be the priority. I can see the points about self esteem and how much his identity is linked to his work success.

Since my post and all the helpful advice, DH has been off work. He was signed off for 2 weeks. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s enough - he’s still a shell of himself, not eating sleeping etc. But is definitely having times where he was more ‘him’ so clearly the time away is helping.

He’s seen the GP and been put on anxiety medication. He’s booked in with a therapist.

Work are currently being understanding and have referred him to OH. He’s got a meeting with them next to see if he’s fit to return? Not quite sure exactly what this is or the process.

He gets v panicky even talking about work and the upcoming OH appt.

I’m really proud of him for getting the MH support and telling work, but not quite sure how he will suddenly manage going back to the status quo….

I should add he definitely feels a pressure to get back ASAP and keeps mentioning letting them down. He also mentions how he hates that he’s increased other people’s workload by not being there.