To be frustrated at his parenting style?

[Showbel]

Hi just want some advice. Please feel free to tell me if I'm being unreasonable

I'm first time mum to a beautiful 3 month old baby girl.
My partner works 9-5 M-F I'm fortunate that he works from home.
Parenting is obviously full on, my daughter doesn't nap during the day unless after a feed and only on me. Apart from that she's developing really well, reaching milestones etc. Only cries if she wants feeding, sleeps through the night.
Because she doesn't nap during the day apart from on me, I'm glued to the sofa until she wakes up (shes exclusively breastfed). Then I make sure I interact with her I.e. on floor doing tummy time, reading, nursery rhymes, toys etc. I don't get any housework/Chores done and I don't get time 'for me' apart from watching TV while she's asleep and I don't even like watching TV.

My partner is glued to screens. He works on his computer for his job, but in the evenings he always has his phone on him, listening to something or watching on YouTube. He even sleeps watching youtube. When he takes baby to give me a break, he will continue to listen to whatever is on his phone while holding her. He wil do maybe 10 mins tummy time then sit on the sofa with her on his arm and he will put on a nursery playlist for her to watch on the TV and he will watch his phone. I've told him this is wrong and he needs to turn off the screen and give his daughter his full attention. He disagrees and has refused to do so. He said he doesn't see anything wrong with the screens and 'this is how I'm parenting her/this is my choice'. I'm so worried one of my daughters first words may be a swear word because of what he listens to.
When he takes her he will often go upstairs in his study on his computer, and again will sit and watch videos holding her but won't interact with her. I have no doubt he loves her but I just don't understand this mindset.

It makes me really frustrated as well because he knows how full on I have it with her during the day when he's working because he sees it. But he has taken the easy route by distracting himself when she's with him? Parenting is exhausting because I'm putting in so much effort for her development etc. Or am I being too precious?
AIBU - to be frustrated at his parenting style?

Not at all, this sounds like lazy parenting. How will he develop a relationship with his DD if they’re both only watching parallel programmes? There are screen time guidelines for a reason. At 3 months I don’t expect this causes much damage, but at 9 months or 18 months when kids are really starting to speak and want to be spoken to, this can’t be happening.

It's a rude awakening to discover that you're co-parent is lazy and selfish. No amount of talking. arguing or pleading will change it. Be the best parent you can be and consider separating while your child is young enough not to know better.

Holding the baby while he's watching videos and not interacting with her isn't a parenting style - it's not parenting at all! He should be talking/singing/reading picture books/playing peek a boo/making her smile and laugh! He needs a good kick up the arse OP!

This is not a parenting style, this is an absence of parenting. Please, OP, refuse to accept this. Tell him he changes this behaviour or it’s over.

His parenting style isn't a style. He will likely do more when she does more though and is more interactive.

Her nap schedule is an issue though, she should be having a couple of two hour naps in the day. Her napping on you is fine, might be better if you feed her on your bed so you can both get some sleep. Or pop her in a sling and feed whilst you get on with other things and she can sleep in the sling.
Make yourself a station where you are feeding her so you can read a book or listen to a podcast whilst she feeds as well as a water bottle and some fruit to snack on.

What house work isn't being done? How much is there with just a couple of adults and a tiny baby? Just chuck washing in the machine and let it do it's thing, dishes in a dish washer etc it's not like you need to hand wash and use a mantle.You should be able to get on with day to day things with her with in a sling or a play pen or bouncer safe whilst you do what needs to be done. You can sing nursery rhymes etc whilst you do the jobs.

Another baby born to another fucking useless man.

I'm usually pretty relaxed about Dads having a more laid back parenting style but this is another level. Babies develop through interaction not watching shit on a screen. You need to give him a serious ultimatum

He’ll be the dad in his car on his phone, not on the sidelines, when your DC is at the stage for hockey/footbsll/rugby.

He's not parenting though is he.... He's not parenting at all, infact I'd say she would get more out of a pack and play mat than her own father at this age if that is what he is doing.

How fucking pathetic is that.

Yeah, your DH is a lazy arse.

But do you seriously never leave your child alone? I remember using one of those mats with the soft toys hanging over the top and my DS used to live just lying there and plying with them. I was able tog eat things done in those times.

Children do need to have time alone and not have constant interactions

He had one particular favourite toy (purple giraffe) that he always reached out for and I've kept it. It's one of his treasured possessions (along with the photo of baby him playing with it) and he's 17 now.

It's actually quite dangerous for babies brains. Lots of extensive research has been done on how flashing lights and fast paced screen changes instead of the cartoons that were about 20 odd years ago can effect under 3's mood. It can be incredibly addictive, even for adults and for a tiny developing brain it is very inappropriate.
I would contact your HV and have them provide you with leaflets etc. It's not a telly with the odd cartoon, it's his screen that is damaging if she is watching it.

You are making a rod for your own back.
A 3 month old doesn't need constant entertainment.
Get a sling and move around. No excuse not to do housework.
Re your husband, he sounds addicted to screens.

Hiya, I have a 4 month old. Thankfully it won't be doing her immediate damage now but it is totally lazy to be putting on specific baby related tv shows for her now. She doesn't need it at all! He should be taking her for walks if he doesn't know what to do with her so she is at least looking around. Maybe you can suggest that?
You definitely don't need to interact with her for her whole awake times, some chill time for her is also good. I've got a pack and play travel cot which we are using as a "playpen" so sometimes I pop her in that so she has some free play (I hook diff mobile toys on the side using linkies) and or just pop some toys in there as she is staring to roll.

I mean I'd be hoping that as your little one gets more interactive your partner finds them more interesting and enjoys interacting and playing with them more but he does sound quite selfish in his thought process.

It's awful to not see the partner you thought would be a good dad being rubbish. Sending you love 💕 go easy on yourself though 3 months and a baby who doesn't want to be put down for naps is hard as you feel nap trapped and there is only so much TV you can enjoy. X

You could be a bit kinder in your responses here. The OP thread is not really about the housework but about her partner not stepping up/interacting with the baby! Way to try and make a new mum feel like rubbish btw!

This You don't even need a sling, just put baby down for a bit somewhere safe.

There's no such thing as a "rod for your back" at 3 months old - so what if she contact naps? As long as OP is ok with it. The way you develop independence is by meeting baby's needs (physical and emotional) so they feel secure and able to then branch out with a safe base.

Agree though that just being sat with a baby and screens is total shit

He cares more about his own entertainment than his babies brain development. He's lazy at best.

He parents, code for does fuck all, how he choses and you parent as you choose basically means you'll be doing everything.

I am getting out and about, baby groups etc and I always take baby out shopping, to the park, seeing friends etc. So she is getting plenty of time outside and in new environments etc. But she just doesn't sleep that whole time. If the car journey is a longer one i.e. 30 mins or more she does tend to nap then but that's not very often. I put her down in her crib but she just screams and becomes inconsolable.

I have a baby swing/chair which was useful when she was younger when nothing else settled her but now she hates it and kicks the bottom of it after about 5 mins.

I have two playmats/activity gyms which I alternate, she loves them but I can't leave her unsupervised? So I don't know how I can do jobs when she's on that. Obviously if I'm in the same room as her I do try to do some jobs but I can't do very much elsewhere in the house?

Which is why I'm getting so frustrated because it's so intense looking after her and yet my partner takes her, obviously does no cleaning while he has her, but is then not properly interacting with her which annoys me to the extreme. I end up taking her back and getting very little done.

I struggle with his response of 'it's my choice/this is how I'm doing things' It leaves me lost for words and like he has the final say. What am I supposed to say to that? I also don't want to go out anywhere without her in case he just sticks a screen in front of her face.

There are two separate themes in this thread and some people are keen to jump on the one that has a go at you. Yes you can leave them briefly under a play mat in earshot whilst you go wash the dishes etc.

But the real issue is the lack of parenting from your partner which many people have not even commented on except have a pop at you!

It is absolutely not fair that your partner is refusing to parent. You can only try to talk to him about the impact screens has on young babies and that there will be a time and place for screens later when older but that he needs to do his fair share of parenting too. But I'd also brace yourselves for potentially becoming a single parent if he is this narrow minded and saying his way or the highway 😔 start making sure you have your own money, don't rely on him and do not have another baby with him unless he actually changes his behaviour!

Get a play pen. Then you can put a few toys on the play mat and leave her to get stuff done. As long as you keep it a safe area with no small toy choking hazards keep popping in and out she'll be fine. I did my jobs with DC in a baby carrier until I couldn't manage her weight anymore.

I feel like you are both a bit over the top. I mean he really needs to interact more with the baby but it doesn't have to be everytime he holds her. At the same time you can do chores while she is on the floor on her mat and leave her for sometime if she is safe. You can also move the mat into other rooms too if you need to do stuff there.

Are you listening to the previous comments, to the effect that your DP is just being lazy? Screens are not a "parenting style".
What is your response??
Was he glued to screens before, when you decided to have a baby together?

‘When you say it’s my choice to watch videos insstead of interact with your daughter, I hear you say ‘I choose to be a lazy disengaged parent’ I expected better of you when I chose to have a baby with you, I’m so sorry for our daughter that this is what I’ve given her for a dad, a man who can’t engage with her for 10 minutes a day. I’m still hopeful you change but I can’t just hope forever.’