I don't know if normal or not

[Poppysu]

I just wanted to see what people's opinions are on this as but my mum has me on the phone for an average of 3-4 hours per day when she rings which is why sometimes I dare not open a text on what's app as she rings me when she sees I've read the message and online.

I love my mum dearly but she has this habit of repeating the same story that happend over a decade ago and I know it word for word but tells me anyway. My mum is very negative and she openly admits she is very critical person so she is aware but she tends to always be moaning about someone so I feel depressed because conversation becomes and broken record. My husband has said to not answer but then I have a lot missed calls.

I was at the park once I was chasing my toddler about and she knew I was busy and she carried on talking about how much she doesn't like her next door neighbour and that particularly day she had me on the phone 4 hours and then rang me back later for a further 2 hours just to moan because she has conflict with her neighbour who she thinks is jealous of her garden.

Recently she's started to get upset how people in the family have started to make excuses not to ring her and she said her brother is only texting her and not picking the phone up to her and not having a conversation so she's started being funny with him.

I don't know how to address this issue as I do love my mum but I dont know what's normal as this has always been the normal for her if that makes sense.

Yeah, no that's not normal.

Is she lonely? Has she nothing else in her life?

You're going to have to hurt her feelings to stop this, if you can't do that, grin and bear it.

It’s not normal.

Give her a time limit. Tell her people are avoiding her calls because no one has that kind of time.

Not normal at all. It sounds manipulative and slightly unhinged. How does she expect you to accommodate this?

You obviously have a toddler, do you work?

Has she always been like this? It clearly doesn’t only affect you as others in the family are experiencing similar.

I do think you need to gently establish some boundaries. Start learning how to stop her when she starts. What does she say if you say: “I need to do x?” Would she hear you?

You need to be more assertive. Give her a time warning and stick to it. "Got to go in 5 minutes mum"...."got to go in a minute"..."I must go now, I will speak to you tomorrow" give her a few seconds to say ok bye and if she doesn't you do it then hang up.

3-4 hour conversations every single day is not OK or healthy for either of you. Does she get out and about much? have any hobbies or friends? perhaps that's something you could help her with/encourage?

She does work, she rings me before she starts but it's even worse if she has a day off

How on earth do you give her this kind of time while having a toddler? Or any kind of life? You can switch off read receipts on WhatsApp you know, I’d start with that.

All I can say is tell her why now and get it out in the open. She might be sad, upset but I’m sure she will appreciate the honesty. Maybe she struggles and needs a wee timer to know to wrap things up. Hopefully will get u to a place u can light heartedly say right mum that’s 15 mins need to go call u later.

Watching how hard things got for my mum with my grans demands I think she now wishes she had dealt with things before she got too old. My gran has since passed but I forever said to my mum to put her foot down so I know how hard it is to do!

Does she have any hobbies or friends? Could it be loneliness?

I think you need to tell her directly that you don't have time for these calls and that you are worried about her because she doesn't have anything else going on in her life.

Encourage her to start a new hobby or volunter or anything that will get her out of the house.

If she refuses all of that still stick to your boundaries of say 2 to 3 phone calls a week but then explain to her that you're worried about her mental health.
How can anyone have a healthy mental state if they are so dependent on one person over the phone for all their social needs?

Don't enable her to depend on you like this. It's not good for you and in the long run it's not good for her either. She needs to rebuild her life.

Sounds like my mum! Afew options- we have set call times- Tuesday and Friday at 4pm. Call finished when dh puts key in the door (protestations of well must go now fall on deaf ears) also dunno about your mum but mine provides a monologue, not much needed from me. I place the phone on speaker on the kitchen table. I clean, fold washing, cook dinner and interject the odd ahh, oooo, uh huh, mmm when she draws breath. She meets a friend for coffee every Wednesday, at this point I call my dad for a proper chat lol

My mum says things like I've never been a visitor I don't need to visit people or they don't need to visit me I can just pick up the phone but I find it really unhealthy

Just tell her straight that nobody has a spare four hours to chat on the phone every day.

She’s a time vampire and it’s selfish.

It’s not normal and it sounds exhausting. 4 hours of the mainly negative thoughts in someone else’s head, verbalised. Repeatedly. No fucking thank you.

I think you need to be firm. “I’ve got to go now, bye” and mean it. And if you’re busy- like in the park playing your child do not answer the phone. Put it on silent/mute her specifically if you’re expecting other calls you have to answer, but you don’t have to put up with this. Even if you’re not “busy” and just want to enjoy some silence (relatively speaking as you have a toddler).

Tell her at the start you've got 30 mins max. Then say goodbye. Of she's upset then so be it. She's lucky to have a daughter who is in regular contact.

She does work and she has a little dog that she takes out every day so she is busy but in-between all that is on the phone.

Jesus Christ no way! How could you think talking for hours a day about the same thing is normal?! Sounds exhausting! You need to tell her it isn’t right and it’s too much for you.

I really don't understand how you can have a 4 hour conversation with a toddler around. What are they doing while you're talking? I can barely manage 3 minutes with DD around.

I think you just have to be blunt. Is it always about her or does she ask how you are? Because you need to say to her 'mum, I've got a lot on my hands with toddler, I'm really overwhelmed and I only have 10 minutes to talk to you today.'

Maybe you could allocate her a slot? Tell her you'll only be available to talk between 2-2.30 or something. And you'll have to stop picking up outside those times.

It isn't normal and it's surprising that your Mum has time for these calls either, with a job and a dog to take care of. Really surprising. Could she possibly have some kind of mental health issue going on? Repeating the same story so often is not normal for somebody with a fully functioning memory. I wish I could make a constructive suggestion but I'm stymied. It must be taking its toll on you. How about if you ring her every day instead of waiting for her to call you, and start off with 'Hi Mum, I'm having a busy day but wanted to check in with you...' then after say 20 minutes 'OK, my evening class is about to start/I need to pick up my DD from her friend's/whatever, talk to you soon, bye.'

Good grief that's a lot of time spent on the phone. You wouldn't be at all unreasonable to put an end to it.

Like another poster said earlier, you might have to brace yourself for hurt feelings but it's a necessary evil.

Good luck with it.