To ask why so many wealthy people seem estranged from their families or parents?

[FrugalFannie]

I’ve noticed a pattern where many rich individuals have complicated relationships with their families. What do you think causes this? Is it the pressure of wealth, differing values, or something else? I’d love to hear your thoughts and any insights you might have!

The ones who are happy don't tell you about it.

You don't tend to hear about people who don't have problems with their family.

Some rich people use money as a weapon with their families - doing things for them with strings attached etc. Also having expectations that their children will do things that reflect well on them and put too much pressure on their children. I’m basing these observations on Kim Tate from Emmerdale as I don’t know anyone really wealthy irl 😂

Possibly because they’re rich they are less dependent on their families for things like childcare so (I) they see them less but also (2) if they don’t like them they don’t have to pretend to.

Also there is probably a correlation between being rich and not living close to where you grew up.

Also do you mean where both the parents and individuals are rich or where the individuals have made money themselves so are better off than their parents? I think that can sometimes create distance as it’s harder for the parents to relate to what the dc are experiencing as normal.

I think in general money gives you more choices. I imagine it is very hard to go NC if you live round the corner from your family and can’t afford to move. Much easier if you can afford a house on the other side of the country. Also hard to go NC if your family are providing childcare you couldn’t otherwise afford, much easier if you can put your child in nursery.

Are more rich people estranged than poorer or more ordinary people? Unless the rich ones are all posting on MN, it seems unlikely to me.

Maybe it’s just that we get more press coverage of wealthier people in general, so we hear more about their problems?

I know a few wealthy people through work - they are not friends of mine so I am not privy to the details, but they seem to get along with family pretty well.

I was once shown round a top boarding school. The boys were eight years old, and the person showing us round explained, when I asked whether these young children missed their mothers, that yes. they did, but after a couple of weeks they realised that weeping was a useless response, so they settled. Who knows what emotional damage that does?
Likewise children who have every material benefit but a succession of nannies as primary carers.
I think maternal deprivation is often a thing amongst the rich. It carries into their adult relationships.

How would we know the financial makeup of estranged families .
I can imagine it's more to do with complacency, career focussed people moving around chasing jobs , not needing family for anything and contact gradually diminishing over time . I also think if they are in touch and family keep asking for money or are always the last to the bar etc it would become tiresome being seen as a walking chequebook .

I've heard of plenty of poor people who literally hate their family. Not sure if your point

Depends how rich. The ones where there are generations of kids being brought up by nannies and then carted off to Boarding School are usually quite fucked up for obvious reasons!

I don't really understand where you are coming from. Estrangement affects the rich and poor. Are you surprised that rich people may also become estranged? Money doesn't fix everything. I may have just missed the point entirely so feel free to correct me.

And this is an AIBU how?

Having money can mess you up in various ways. People who made it from nothing often feel resentful towards their kids for having all the things they didn’t have and can be very hypocritical about how and when they dole it out. People who are born with it often feel inadequate and/or bored with life because they have nothing to strive for or get them out of bed in the morning. Rich people are used to having things done when they want how they want/buying their way to what they want - doors open for them much easier. We have rich relatives who go to the best hotels in the world and are so bored out of their minds on holiday they spend their entire time finding things to complain about - to the point on one occasion during a holiday they asked to have a meeting with the hotel manager. It’s insane to watch.

Edit to add the actual point - all of the above can make the give and take of normal relationships harder and/or complicate them in various ways.

@MotiRoller this is really sad.

In our case, some of my family are jealous and are cross that we haven’t ‘shared’ with the extended family, despite the fact that we have paid for multiple holidays, christmases, BBQs etc and did all the hosting. So now we don’t bother.

If parents have a lot of money it may be possible to exert pressure on other family members.

I think my oldest son would be an excellent SEN teacher but as he isnt interested thats the end of it. If however I was able to say if you go on a SEN teaching course I will pay for it but not if you ......... You can see where that might lead

Have you not been reading MN mostly no one seems to get on with their families, rich or poor.

AIBU to get you to write my article for me?

In my experience, rich people all end up living in different parts of the world and are busy doing important careers and don’t spend much time together, hence they aren’t very close. Poorer people live closer and do physical care for each other like child care, and elderly care and prioritise that.

For better or for worse. Neither makes one better than the other.

I don’t really agree with this. I think family relationships are complex and I see lots of people experience similar regardless of wealth - look at all the threads on here for example.

Perhaps there may be different reasons in wealthy families such as different expectations or different ways to feel snubbed like inheritance issues etc but I don’t think it’s a unique issue.

I think a lot of the time they don’t spend enough time with their kids. They have nanny/housekeeper run the place and the parent is never really present or too busy doing their own stuff to engage

Im not sure I agree with you really.

I think people with more money / education are probably more mobile and so are more likely to end up living far away from family.

People from all walks of life can become estranged from their families. It doesn’t only affect the wealthy.

I think people with money have the freedom to move out of the area if they wish. It's harder to be estranged from somebody when the whole town knows but much easier if you just go to another country and don't look back.

I also think money, particularly if you aren't from a wealthy background, becomes a spruce of pressure. I am well off I grew up poor, I'm not estranged from my family but I don't really bother to keep in contact. I'm busy and we are very different. I have helped family with some things for example I paid some of my sister's tuition fees when she was much younger and needed them in order to continue on a her course (funding was unavailable as she had an equivalent qualification in something useless). I do however hate being asked, mostly because I refuse to be there for every eventuality. It will always be something, new boiler, leak under the sink, the cat is sick, etc. and I simply don't want to be financially responsible for anybody else. If I agree to often it turns into obligation. They also make comments that I don't care for, such as opinions on how I spend my money. They may think it is wasteful and not something they would want but there's no reason to vocalise their opinions on that. I don't care what they think it just irks me that they think they're entitled to say at all.

My life is very fulfilled without the need for those type of relationships.

I think “old money” rich people generally have a more emotionally distant style of parenting with children likely to have spent more time with nannies and to have gone to boarding school. I think that can lead to resentment and strained relationships in some cases. Children from these families also seem to be more likely to rebel compared to children from middle class families and to end up in rehab or joining a cult or choosing an alternative lifestyle and going off grid etc. which will either naturally create more distance due to the difference in lifestyle choices or might lead to their parents cutting them off (or the child cutting the parents off because they don’t feel they supported them). Constance Martin is an (extreme) example of this.